How to deal with an adamant child !?

Hi ILites,

My DD is 5 years old now, and lately, I am seeing her grow as an adamant child. Personally, I deal very patiently with her, but when this trait of hers comes out, I am really at a fix on how I should deal with this.

When she throws tantrums I don't react, as I feel it will aggravate the situation more. But now, even just a while ago, just for a simple matter of changing into some other dress for the evening, she made just a big cry that neighbors would have definitely thought I have beaten her black and blue. Something would be at a hand's reach, but she will expect that I do for her! I didn't want to react at all, and she started reacting too much. Its very surprising for us that she behaves this way, because we have never seen her do like this before. I feel its because she has more exposure to the outside world, and maybe she is comparing herself to other kids. I really don't know, but its really getting over my head now.

As my DH is out at work most part of the day, he would not be able to see this phase of hers. Being an only child, we do not want her to make her a spoilt child, so we make sure that she does house related chores as well, and she does all those...and its not that we buy each and everything she asks for. So, in that way, its controlled.....

But at times like these, when her tantrums goes out of control, I really don't know what is the way I should react to her. Believe me, she cries so loudly as if someone would have hit very badly...but I wouldn't have even touched her.....I can't understand from where she gets these ideas, as no one in our place does like this.

I have also enrolled her for after-school classes of whatever she likes....even then she has so much energy left. As I work from home, I really have to be quick at multi-tasking, and these days, seeing her behave like this, I am kind of scared that this can turn to be a personality trait, and I really feel I need some experienced people's advice here. Staying cool is the only thing I feel, but believe me, its not so easy...but there has to be a way to handle this.....

I know this is something that can be tackled, and I really don't like to entertain her at taht point of time, but instead try to divert her, but she just needs what she needs!

And, once she calms down, maybe the next day, I try to tell her that it is a bad behavior, and at that time she will behave as the most obedient child. But, when "that moment" comes...its all terror !!!:drowning

Am sure all those experienced mommies out here would have some advices for me on this.....Of course, not all kids are the same, but something has to work out.....hope I can get to hear the experienced advices.

Maybe I have left out something here, but will edit/add once it comes to my mind! I have written this fresh as soon as one of her tantrums have just receded.

 

Hi Shanvy,

You know what, whether I like it or not, I think this could be the root cause, and you may have hit the nail on the head!

The main reason why I switched to work from home was for my DD, and also to keep myself occupied in the long term once her schooling time will become longer...the older she gets, she may not be at home, and I also dont want to have the empty nest syndrome like I have seen most of my elders seen...I know its not avoidable, but if I can keep at it, and also try to balance this phase, I could make it along with family support...

Coming back to what you said....now that I work at home, in my DD's eyes, she thinks that I am available for her all the time, and I think even I am not able to prioritize the work & house hold chores...So, I think I end up giving more time for my work, and because of this, even the smallest of things which my DD wants seems to irritate me because of work pressure.....

Although I think I know it, it really requires someone else to keep you on track, and am glad that I did it on this forum....because so subtly you have noticed it !!

And yes, its for the past 2-3 weeks that I have started taking my DD for chores...initially I didnt want her to do this, but my DH has different ideas, and he said that these kind of things will help her in the long run, and he used to scold me that I am spoiling her by not giving her any work! I really didnt like this idea, as I felt it would tax her....Even when she was small as a 2 year old, I used to take her help to pick up things and help me...at that time she was a tiny tot with not much exposure (or expections, should I say)...down the line, that habit trickled away as I had to be away from her for 1 year.....so I think thats where I lost the connection :-(

But now, we have started reviving that habit...and yes, she has been helping me in cutting vegetables, washing her own uniform(!)...yes she does this so sincerely, that she even tells her grandma that today I have lot of work, and I have to wash my uniform in the night !!! It was such an innocent remark made by her, and my mom was so happy I trained her this way.....and in weekends she helps me clean the house... This has just started 2-3 weeks ago...and although I didnt agree with my DH at that time, now I am seeing that it is beneficial to me and her, when my DH is away on business trip for a week!!!

So, its not that she is a totally spoilt child, but only at these times, and seeing the severity increase, I want to cut it out at the root and take action now, rather than let it grow...and I knew that I am the one who is doing something wrong somewhere, but it needed another view from a person who totally doesnt know me, to get me back on the tracks.......!

The next time she throws a tantrum, I will try to hold her tight even though she may rebel.....This time I did, but I guess at a very later stage...And yesterday, after it calmed down, I tried to tell her that I never beat her like that in front of anybody...believe me, she hit me so hard that my hands became red!! I didn't want to react at all, because its never good to do like that in front of public...but I was feeling she was taking advantage of the situation....

Then she did what she wanted finally by changing into her dress, and she then we went for shopping our groceries very late......

I am also trying hard to do my work before she comes, but sometimes it doesnt happen that way, and the tantrums come on the day where I have to meet a deadline..so its all chaos!!

Thanks Shanvy :2thumbsup:.... but yes, I will remember your words the next time it happens....yes, I am pretty sure it will happen, but the way I choose to react would be different this time!!

I will keep updated here on what happens the next time.....

 

and I have never talked about this to her till now, although we do talk a lot of childish talks......let me try this one as well....have a gut feel that this will work !!

 

Hey Shanvy...I don't think that it really matters if you are working or not...because if you are not working, it mostly happens that you have other things to work on..like my bhabhi....she is not working, but she has to be constantly available for all the family functions !!! Once she even told me and one of my cousins that although she is not working, its not easier for her as well..but we both know her situation well...because every other month some function or the other comes...and her presence will be needed!!! Me and my cousin who have been working since a younger age, really wonder how our bhabhi manages that !!! Even she would have gone through it, but the only thing was her in-laws or parents were there to help..

And I think now, with more smaller families, this is also one of the reasons for such situation...in our case, we always wanted our parents...in my case, I have never had the feeling of a grandparent, as we were a nuclear family....and I always wanted my kid to have that experience.....both of our fathers expired even before we knew each other....but god knows what our moms think, they dont stay with us for long.....and when they are not with us, they tell the entire world how we take care...anyway...we cannot change the entire world....

And yes, I think I came here at the right time to vent out, because the current situation of mine clearly seems to scream out that I need to re-prioritize! And, am going to start it with today.....

The title of your blog seems to be interesting...will go through it today when I can spare a little time...

I really really really appreciate your advice...:thumbsupfeel much better....yesterday I was so upset, and I was hoping someone could guide me.....even my mom keeps telling me to chill down, but I guess its high-time for a change now!!

 

hi pinky....thanks for dropping in!

well yes, I think these days kids are a lot more smart than our times...and have their own preferences already! even my DD has a good sense of dressing, but yesterday, the concern she had was, she has a favorite dress, and she wants me to fetch it for her and do it right away ! she was like, now means now.....and as I didnt want to budge to her adamant request, where she herself could do it, she made the entire building upside down ! actually her request is not impossible to deal with, but of late, she has this tendency that we should do things for her, as she started noticing that my neighbor feeds/changes her 3 year old son...maybe she sees that and wants me to do...its not that i dont shower my affection at all, but she wants more of my time, as Shanvy rightly pointed out in my case..and thats the reason why even small matters end up in chaos.....if i can give her some more of my time, quality time, and make her understand at that time that if she does things on her own, it will be helpful for her alone, and she would be helping mommy also......i think it would bring a calming effect to her once I tweak the current situation a bit........

and its really very sweet and cute of your daughter to come and say sorry !! hugs to your DD for that !!