The Devil's Advocate

@satchitananda
Yes, there a lot that needs to change. But I would like to add my comments

 

Dear Satchi

A very good discussion topic. Thanks for posting here.

There are so much social reasons attached to this situation. Women are always the victims of patriarchal societies. Either we are victimized as wives, DILs, daughters or some day our daughters are gonna be victimized the same.
Men have no problems as long as they enjoy what society gifted to them.

The slaves need to fight for freedom, not the owners. That is the reality.
The suppressed society fights for the freedom, not the dictators.

If you do not want your daughter to be suppressed because of her gender, then raise her without any gender bias.
By doing this, you can raise a perfect and matured man with clear understanding about his female counterpart. As well, a balanced woman with a clear knowledge about her rights.
These two siblings (of each gender) will then create a generation with such good qualities. That is how social change happens.
The one who wants the change should break the chain which is under their control. Do not expect someone else will fight for you to break the rules.

I would like to explain something called Gender box- which I read in this IL forum long back and went on for a deep google search to learn more.

What is gender box?

The box of thought patterns that every men and women think about their gender. The society believes a man should go to work
A man should be the bread winner
A man should not cry
A man should have some power and control of his family
A man should be brave
A man should be masculine

And they also believe
A woman should have feminine qualities such as fear, madness, shyness, aversion to other men
A woman should cook
A woman should bear kids
A woman should marry at the right age
A woman should respect her husband
A woman should treat her in laws like parents
A woman shouldn't have studied or earn more than her husband

These are social norms. When someone go out of this gender box, we fail to recognize them as real man or woman.

Imagine a man with all soft qualities such as loving, respecting wife, caring, cooking, respecting in laws, no controlling, no power issue, crying, not always brave etc..etc.... We have a different name for them. Some call them no 09. Their masculinity is challenged. It is a big Ego issue to any man. No one wants to be a good man, but a right man as per their social standards.

Same applies to women. The brave one, never cried, never cooked but career oriented, straight forward etc..etc... women are always challenged as less feminine. No one appreciate such women in marriage market either. Thus, women too were raised with soft qualities by their parents to avoid such bad labeling.

It is not the fault of someone, but everyone who lack the understanding.

 

My daughters make poop and fart jokes and my husband says"never thought daughters would make such jokes":-(

 

I think most of the problems originate from the joint family system and joint family thinking.
If husbands knew they would be living and facing their wives later in life alone...they would treat the wives better.

If mil's knew dil's would never live with them and serve them....they would have lesser expectations.

If mothers knew that both daughter and son will move out and both will help out if in need...she would treat them both same and not tie the boy to her pallu.

If dil's were allowed a life of their own, they would be less bitter and help out the in laws(along with their own parents) later in life happily.


I think the JF system encourages patriarchy and the evils that come with it. The solution is to plan retirement of parents and live independently. May sound cruel to the old parents ,but the other system is unfair to the younger generation. Find a middle ground that is right for everyone...like live close by in nuclear families with nuclear family mentality.

 

The society, the Gender box, the joint family system... What else?

I feel the financial and physical dependency state of women needs a change.

I know women do a lot of work at home as a mother and wife. But that alone does not make them fully independent. A man also has a role as a dad and husband. But in addition to that he has a self dependent state with a salary package.
This is what gives him the power over his family.

There are so many women who enjoy the dependency state with lot of respect. In fact they are blessed with reasonable spouse. Some feminist argue that working or not working should be a woman's choice and house wives are no less than working people.

Whatsoever, I believe self dependency, that too financial independence make a women more precious in her circle.

A mother would treat her DD equally as her son if she knows her DD will be able to help her the same as her son would in the future. This would enable the mother to treat her DD with the same respect and love equally to her son.

A MIL will be less interfering and less insecure about her son's marriage if she is sure about her daughter's independence state to look after herself, her marriage as well as her parents if necessary.

If girl and boy children could do just the same, then discrimination would come to an end at home level.

A stay at home woman - however she is loved or respected by her spouse- will be a dependent to her husband when it comes to helping out her parents in need. Perhaps she and her husband consider their interdependence positively, but that is not the case for the dependent wife's parents when they are in need of help.
Parents feel much secure when their children are capable of helping than their children's spouses - however good they are.

 

The joint family kind of create the tight dependency between the generations as the parents have the assumption that their children (ie son) will take care of their needs and support them financially. The parents will be in charge (decisions, finances) for the adult children and that will kind of delay development (breaking gender roles) as the younger generation not able to live independently.