"H4 wife. oh so you simply sit at home and do nothing"

joyishere · Jul 21, 2014

I am sure every single h4 spouse has heard this. Does this hurt you? I encounter questions like" oh so you basically do nothing. You are just a housewife.you have a looot of free time huh"The more sensible people don't say anything but look sympathetically. I came here by choice cos I love my husband.and I get questions like these even from my family. Especially when they say oh that girl is coming to do her ms . What about you. The thing is I didn't do ms cos I was passionate about computers. I volunteer at many places now and that makes me happy. I tried for a job but I didn't want to fake a resume.it really pains me when people are condescending . So much that I dunno what to say when I go ti india . How do you deal with this.

shrivni · Jul 21, 2014

Think of Husbands who are H4. Just Ignore all these comments. Live your life to the fullest and support your husband.

Shina · Jul 21, 2014

You cannot change the people but u can change urself. Develop a thick skin so such negative comments cannot penetrate. As long as u r happy with ur life, do not let people take that away from u, by letting their comments affect u.Most likely people who judge others do so out of sheer jealousy. It is not ur duty to make them understand ur choices in life or ur way of living.

joyishere · Jul 21, 2014

Thank you for your quick response. This was bugging me so much. For the past three years. What is even more hurtful is some people just bluntly say that oh so you married an US guy so that tou can come to America and have a comfortable life. Imagine how I feel as I was myself selected for onsite project and couldn't come as I had not thay much experience. I quit because I wanted to be with my guy. Other people keep on mentioning. Oh that family has a comfortable life because both of them have good jobs . And then they mention , living on a single income in USA is very tough. That also saddens me because that is also why I made a conscious choice of not giving another education loan for my husband . I understand that only I can help myself by getting unaffected by these comments. And I know many families who struggle in many other ways in spite of having two working members. I know my blessings at uncountable. But sometimes it just makes me too sad.

Shina · Jul 21, 2014

Please work on urself to harden urself up. This is just one example in life, in future there may be many other instances where u may be judged for other things. Its a part and parcel of life, the sooner u learn to not let this things affect ur peace of mind the better it will be for u.

When this things bother u , distract urself, do something that will cheer u up. Count ur blessings at that time to shift your focus on the positives of ur life.Dont waste ur precious time in justifying ur actions to everyone, use it to make urself happy in life. Also never show people that their negative comments affect you, project great deal of self confidence. all the very best.

Ranchu · Jul 21, 2014

Dont let comments from others affect you.

But having said that, you can answer them back . Being a housewife is still a full-time job with no vacation days. No matter whether in India or USA, you will hold this title.

Cant you tell them that you dont have any maids and have to do everything yourself . Ppl who quote "you have dishwasher" is a whole new thing. Those dishwashers dont load/unload/clean themselves. we still have to do the cleaning.

There is no iron-wala here either.

joyishere · Jul 21, 2014

Thank you Shina. Yes, my peace of mind gets ruined. It affects the way I behave, do things and I realize that while for others, it is just saying a few words and getting on with their life, I am using it to destroy myself

joyishere · Jul 21, 2014

Ranchu,
Yes you are right. But you know, some people have these passive aggressive way of patronizing, " that girl in usa, she did her MS, has a baby, works, and she is able to manage and contribute to the income."People dont realize that I am not working because I don't want to, it is because the law doesn't let me to work. And instead of fretting and fuming and complaining against the law , I am content with what I am and what I do. People take that attitude for "laziness" which pains me. Some people even say " oh, every day is like a Sunday for you. You would never be having Monday Morning blues".
I would go to work if I am eligible, and the way people talk to me and insult me, I dunno if I will ever be able to work after long gap. That is why I came to this website asking if anyone rally worked after getting work authorizaiton and how easy was it for them.
http://www.indusladies.com/forums/g...d-canada/257750-working-after-getting-gc.html

And people telling me that I didnt get a job is a lame excuse cos I didnt try hard enough is very hurtful.

Weasly · Jul 21, 2014

Dear Op
i can understand wt u r saying! My in laws were like why cnt she wrk n let her resume her job in india to my husband! Their idea was tht if i cm bk n stay wid them then my husband might feel pressured to come n stay with them! My husband told them, she will decide wt she has to do, its her call whether she wants to wrk or stah! But i am one nutcase! I had lost my cool with such ppl, n if someone pushes me for something i go ahead do the opposite! So i told them m not doing anything, wt r goin to do abt it! In the meantime i prepared for exams n all n git admission to a gud clg n started studying in the direction of the career i want here without telling my inlaws! Moral: do wt u want, let ppl think wt they want! Dnt gv a crap abt wt they think! If u do den it means u r letting them influence you, n i dnt want such influences in my life n nor do u!

joyishere · Jul 21, 2014

Thank you Weasly.

So looks like I am not alone.
It is so difficult to tell others about client letter, lottery system, eligibility for work only from October etc.
My husband was also going to school and I could not overload him with the pressure of another loan AND me staying away from him. In fact I know that that was a very good decision to support him instead of pursuing my own interests . I am sure the same people would have said , she married this guy for coming to do MS ,not for having a family had I pursued this path.