Confused about making new friends

Editor's Note: Thank you Ansuya for your tips and ideas on how one can make friends more easily. This has been selected as best of forums and featured here. Congratulations!

Have you thought about dating? That's what young, single people usually do as part of forming a social circle. You don't have to go to pubs or clubs. You could take a dance class, or join an ultimate frisbee club (or whatever sport you like), help out at your local animal shelter, join a book club... you really do have a lot of options for meeting new people (girls and boys).

It seems most of your pursuits are solitary (yoga, temple, reading, watching TV) which would explain why you are craving social contact. I understand that you want meaningful social contact, but I'm afraid the only way to get to that stage is to go through a lot of superficial social contact first.

Also, make sure you are not filtering people out based on age, sex, nationality, or whatever. Rather, look for people you find it easy to talk to, people who seem interested in your social overtures, and people who have a similar sense of humor or personality to you.

I'm not sure why the guy from your apartment building stopped talking to you, but don't let that discourage you. Some relationships work out, and some don't. You just have to keep trying. Also, if you get invited to a gathering at a pub, you could go along even if you don't drink. It's not the worst way to meet people and join a "gang".

If it makes you feel any better, it is always hard to make new friends as we get older and enter into the successive stages of life after school/college. Add to that the fact that we are in foreign countries, and this lack of friends is a fairly common problem. I hope you can just keep at it, and don't spend too much time worrying about your hypothetical future friendless husband and friendless children!

P.S. These smileys are making me mental. Seriously.

 

Thanks Ansuya for pointing out these annoying smileys. It actually took me a while to understand what these meant, I was looking for the word 'friend'.
Getstrength- it is not easy to make new friends as we get older (Ansuya already said that), even for a married couple and even when someone has little kids 9hard to get included in a mommy group). I can relate with you as I moved to US and didn't know anybody here. Fortunately I met wonderful people and have a great group of friends. Unfortunately, as time passed, all of us moved to different places and now scattered all over the USA but that didn't put a dent in our relationship and we talk to each other whenever we've time. My husband and I recently moved to new place and I do miss girls night outs and just going for coffee with my BFFs. Keep trying. invite people over, go to bars/pubs if that's where your colleagues hang out 9you don't have to drink), ask if someone wants to go for a movie etc. Also Ansuya already said, don't filter people. I've friends from so many different nationalities and I learn so much from them. If you are in a college town or there is a university nearby, you may want to check Indian student Association and get in touch with them. Lots of options just be yourself and try to start a conversation. With all said, it takes time but not impossible to make friends.

P.S.: Ansuya- every time I read your posts (replies) I feel like you are my long lost twin. You always say exactly what I feel after reading a post and you say it better.

 

GS, I wasn't blaming you for the smileys! They seem to be popping up in all threads today without being summoned.

It sounds like you have been doing a great job of getting yourself out there, and being accessible and friendly. This is a good sign; it means there's nothing wrong with you. It just may be the new culture you find yourself in. In a lot of Western countries, there is greater emphasis on individuality and independence, to the extent that life may seem a bit lonely and solitary to those not used to this way of being (and even to those who are used to it).

People are generally more withdrawn, and into their own circle (or family, or old college pals, or whatever). This may be why not a lot of people are pursuing long and lasting friendships with you. We are also at a bit of a disadvantage here (as foreigners) because we are starting afresh. Our pals from school and college, our neighbors, and all other existing social networks, are not here with us. It is difficult to build from the ground up without these existing links.

I still think you have to keep doing what you're doing, and eventually you'll find one or more people that you will be able to socialize with. Two of my closest friends here in the US were made quite accidentally (one worked at the bank where we opened an account on our third day in this country; the other was introduced to me by a former acquaintance after they met randomly at a bus stop). Superficially, I didn't have anything in common with either of them (one is married with no kids, the other one is an unmarried graduate student) but for some mysterious reason, it worked.

I wish I had more friends here, too, and that some of the friendships I do have were more like the ones I had back home. But I also think I may be yearning for things that are impossible to achieve now. It's quite possible that if I moved back home, I'd be facing exactly the same problems.

What might work in this Western context is joining activities that are explicitly social in nature. In other words, it's possible people are coming to yoga only to do yoga, which is why they may not be very friendly. Have you tried groups/websites like Meetup.com? There, you would be able to find gatherings of like-minded people, like atheists/secularists meeting at a coffee shop, or women meeting at a local hotel to sing in a choir. These are inherently social in nature, and even if they didn't turn into your instant BFFs, it'd give you a group activity to look forward to every week.

The other thing that I would not rule out would be making friends with people who have families, even though you do not. My husband and I like entertaining students/singletons - they generally find my daughter charming (since they are away from their own small relatives), I like cooking them a decent meal, and they remind us of what it was like to be young and free! Maybe there are people at temple who would invite you to their homes/gatherings on festival days? You may have to drop a hint or two to get the invitation

We're the two eggheads in the friend "smiley"! Nuss, what a great compliment! Thank you - I feel the same way about you (and Guesshoo, and Yellowmango). Sometimes I have to stop reading a post and check the name again to remind myself exactly which one of us has written it!

 

GS, it may not feel like it right now, but these really will be some of the best years of your life. So, no regrets! I think it is bad manners what the camping/trekking couple did. Maybe they are threatened by your single status (maybe some wives don't like their husbands being exposed to single young women). Whatever the case is, it's their problem. It's highly likely you wouldn't have liked them much had you got to know them. Quality should count for something, too, even if there is a scarcity of people in your life.

I can understand your feeling that you don't want to try new things and venture out by yourself all the time. These sorts of things are often better when we have company. Have you considered dating websites? I think there are options for people who are just looking for friends/companionship. You could specify in your profile that you are single, and that you are looking for like-minded people to hang out with, not necessarily with the intention of starting a serious romantic relationship.

However, I suppose this might attract the wrong type of male attention (I don't know, it's been too long since I was young enough to date and I suspect everything has changed in the last few years). I did find this interesting article

Online Friends: How More Women Are Using Platonic 'Dating' Sites To Find Female Friendship

detailing how women are using dating sites to find female friends. It's worth a shot.

I'm sorry you are feeling despondent about this. Of course, the world can seem a vast, desolate place when you don't have people to call your own. It's like the theme song for that old sitcom, "Cheers", called "Where Everybody Knows Your Name". We all need a place to go like that. Hopefully, you'll find something like it soon. In the meantime, don't worry too much. You are doing everything right, and your efforts are bound to pay off sooner or later.

Until then, IL can be your "Cheers"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KtAgAMzaeg&list=RD28xvRGh2NEjSU

 

Hi ,
you will make new friends when you stop missing your old ones!
Easiest way is to help others and be cheerful.
You can volunteer in temple activities and make friends.
Make small conversation , thats a sure ice- breaker.
A friend can be anybody ,the lady next door with kids , your co- worker , married or unmarried person.
PS -The smileys are too much, replacing the word 'friend', is it some virus???

 

Hi,
I would not recommend dating sites as they might not be authentic and people might not be good. Some guys trap use and throw women easily.
Regarding talking to guys specially - Do not disclose your personal details of break up. Most guys are not interested in making friendship. I have personally observed this.
Make good friend ship and let them know things gradually.
Staying idle with out thinking anything and not doing anything atleast for some time in a day gives greatest peace of mind. This also a form of yoga.

 

Editor's Note: Thank you Uttaraa for your tips and ideas on how one can make friends more easily. This has been selected as best of forums and featured here. Congratulations!

Grab a cuppa, this is gonna be a long one. ;-)

GS- it is not difficult to make friends after a certain age but it is challenging because we've a fully developed value system making us selective in whom we befriend and form relationships with. As a kid, all that matters, is a tyke snivelling who lands up at the playground at 5ish, every evening, not caring if his ecologically stance on waste recycling matches with your stance. As an adult, you cultivate habits, create a mindset, that must align with your friend's to form meaningful relationships else you would swirl in this vicious circle 'where did I go wrong - why there is no one in my life'.

What do you want - you will end up in shallow relationships with people (even as friends) if you are catholic in your preferences. Know yourself before you venture . You will amazed at how little everyone knows about self. You got to understand your phobias, limitations, flaws. Try to figure out what kind of people you can gel with and enjoy company with. Here here, it is the not haircut between vegan and vegetarian, but your rounded personality can match with whom.

Where can you find - SEARCH, SEEK, SNAG. We are living in a global revolution that makes it easier to seek people who align with our principles and thinking. Sign up to MeetUp club events, enrol in virtual universities, participate in community building, networking forums, micro-blogging are amazing ways to spread the word of your existence. Start doing things alone to pick up friends as you roll. A lot of people shun to travel , dine, shop with no company. Esp. if you are in a new place, one has to step out alone, to step in together . There are abundant tours , events, workshops organized for single people. You won't talk or know everyone but there is always something you can take home (putty doll, what did you think?). And if you meet online , tune your receptors with greatest amplification- a decent guy is always willing to share his educational details, job specs, family ancestry once he is comfortable with you. You just have to trust your senses! You fail, you get up and try again! You observe, learn, attempt and cinch! The more friends you gain with this pattern, the more confident you become of your choices in life of the colleagues, neighbourhood gang, virtual community, misc friends. There is ample evil, malice and prejudice out there, but there is also abundant goodness, generosity and compassion.

Where to take - you must be sincere when you forge a bond. If you want to be superficial, don't give hopes of any deeper connection - small talk, movies, outing and you really don't care about their personal lives - treat them as acquaintances. But if you want to befriend - be honest, understanding and mindful of their quirks.

What to avoid - though couples are sometimes great to hang around with , you need to be practical in your needs to hover with people; the yoke burdens at times. If you are single, hang out with single people and there are plenty in every phase of life. Don't push yourself or be pushed when you feel you only have limited bandwidth to try and be tried. You can't be friends with everyone - which is a good thing , you can be great friends with few.

What you gain - don't resign to your fate of the jaded stuff that life is throwing at you. You need to work hard for everything. And that involves making friends (the hardest) because we are talking of multitude of emotions with multiple people and you need to make sure that 'your' world is not toppled when those geysers burst. Life is rewarding when you have people around you who enrich, challenge and be part of your experiences. At the end of the day, all this leads to being a better person and leading a 'more' happier life when your friends pitch in with advices, suggestions, different take on a subject.

Off-track but I love this dialogue from 'Inherit the Wind' -

E. K. Hornbeck: I do hateful things for which people love me, and I do loveable things for which they hate me. I'm admired for my detestability. Now don't worry, little Eva. I may be rancid butter, but I'm on your side of the bread

Let go off your fears of being accepting, approving of everyone in the society. You may be inscrutable to some but to some you mean the 'world' and that is all that matters. Take time, be selective, be open-minded, be sympathetic, be goofy, be 'yourself' and you will see a different world and meet the right people. Good luck!

P.S: The guy in you apartment complex, the couple - let go off those incidents, the more time you send with wrong people, the more you are keeping yourself away from meeting the right people. They are out there - get them before someone else becomes that BFF (who says this to Meggy?) !