Informing the child about adoption

In my earlier post,
http://www.indusladies.com/forums/adoption/178643-adopted-parents-dilemma.html
I have suggested that the parents should choose the right time to tell the child about the adoption, when the child is ready to receive this information. The first few years will have to be spent in showering unconditional love to the child as a confidence building measure. To the extent possible, a message has to be communicated with the child that the family consisting of father, mother and the child is one single unit inseparable from each other. This concept can be explained through interactive sessions, sports activities, pictures, videos, etc. The rules that apply in such activities should be common for father, mother and child. It should be firmly established in the mind of the child that she is integral part of the family. If the child is having academic performance issues, health issues, peer pressure, parents having misunderstanding among them, child suffering from ADD, etc. are not a good time to communicate with the child. The child has to be really happy before this communication is made and the parents should be well prepared to face the consequences of this communication including severe emotions such as withdrawal symptoms or suicidal thoughts. After the adoption is communicated, the parents should encourage the child to ask any questions regarding that only with the parents and not with anyone else.

As I mentioned in my response to Eandian, the child might go through denial, anger, shame, insecurity, fear, bargaining, depression and acceptance all of them in a sequence or some or all of them together. It is very important for the parents to monitor the activities of the child closely after communication and if required, the parents should seek professional help from a psychologist. The parents should know that even though the child should feel integral part of the family before this communication, immediately after the communication, the child might feel lonely and the emotions that the child will go through during that period can’t be described and assessed perfectly. While some children feel sense of rejection, others will feel sense of obligation to the adopted parents. Neither one of those feelings is good for the child’s development. The only feeling a child should have to the parents is unconditional love.

As a matter of fact, a detailed psychological evaluation after the communication was made by the parents might be required. The parents are the best judge to make that decision. If they feel the child is comfortable with the communication, they might make a decision not to involve a professional. Now, let us analyze the reasons for each one of the emotions above. The feeling of denial comes in as the child would like to believe that they are biologically born to the adopted parents like any other child. The feeling of anger comes in when the child thinks that the parents did not want to raise the child. The feeling of shame comes in when the biological parents are unknown primarily because the institutions facilitating the adoption normally prefer to keep the information confidential. Sometimes, the child might be worried about whether the adopted parents would continue to support the child. Other times, the child might be wondering whether the adopted parents love would continue. The child might be bargaining with the God to give love and get peace in return. The child might also feel depression assuming there is no love left for the child. Finally, the child would accept the reality and continue to live the life normally.

These feelings are very normal and the parents should not panic. Especially, they should shower love to the child and under no circumstances show any fear in handling the situation. The parents need to communicate strongly to the child that nothing has changed after communication of adoption. The parents need to be factual about questions asked by the child even if it is about their biological parents. If they don’t know the information about the child’s biological parents, they should state that clearly. Both parents acting together give the child a lot of confidence. The parents need to always remember that the child will have to overcome the mental pressure on her own and that takes time. The role of the parents is to facilitate the child to overcome that quickly. If hugging the child is a routine prior to the communication, the parents will have to continue hugging the child after the communication as well. Nothing should be done excessively, giving an impression to the child that there is something wrong. I will write more later.

 

Dear VJ,

Telling story to explain the adoption is one of the best ways. We can tell stories about Yasoda and Lord Krishna or alternatively talk about the life story of Shirdi Sai Baba. In recent days, best example is the life of Steve Jobs, an exemplary entrepreneur.

Another strategy adopted is to have the child to play with different types of toys asking the child to establish relationships among them. The children get very attached to their toys so much and each toy that we buy for the child should become related to one another that the child already has. This creates a strong impression in the mind of the child. They understand very well what is more important is sense of belonging together more than biological connection.

We can also have the child to adopt a cat or a dog and over the next few years, the child becomes so attached to the pet. Try to advice the child to treat the pet like a sister or brother and establish a strong mindset of accepting the concept of adoption.

Many parents use the strategy to build strength and courage in the child's mind indirectly for many years before releasing the information. This reduces the psychological pressure on the child's mind.

Regarding the child coming to know from his/her friends, it is a big emphatic "No". It should be only parents who should release that information systematically as they know the child well. Unplanned or accidental release of information could cause severe mental depression. The parents should share the adoption information only on need to know basis or educate the neighbors not to share it with their children, if they already knew.

Viswa

 

Dear DGCreative,

Excellent and thank you for presenting this idea in this forum. I wish more adopted parents who informed their children already should share the strategy they adopted in the interest of new set of parents who have just adopted or planning to adopt. There are many stories among animals too about a lioness feeding another cub of a different bread with love and affection. This kind of cartoon stories are very helpful to explain the concept. To be honest with you, adoption is so common in Western civilization and the children accept that much easier when compared to Eastern world. Somehow blood seems to be thicker only in the Eastern civilization.

Viswa

 

Dear Eandian,

Thank you very much for your kind words. As you rightly said, whether the parents are comfortable or uncomfortable answering such questions, the focus has to be to comfort the child. The parents should never show the stress as the children definitely decide to withdraw hiding their internal pain. More they ask questions, better they accept it.

The worst feeling a child could have is to feel obligated to the parents. It becomes an uncomfortable relationship . The talk about nobleness of adoption should strictly be avoided. That will create a feeling of obligation without fail. Also, most importantly, among the Indian families, there is a tendency to talk about whether the child resembles father or mother. These talks make the children to wonder in their mind and compare their complexion with that of parents and so on. If some one brings up the subject, the parents should quickly change the topic.

Viswa