Adopted parents dilemma

A child who is adopted had a school assignment that had parts, a) father to write about his feelings when the child was about to be born and b) child’s own view of what he or she learned from the parents. Both parents have not informed the child about the adoption and were in a dilemma how to write this assignment for the child. If they write the truth, it meant communicating that the child was adopted especially when the child was not ready to receive that information. On the contrary, if they lie on paper, it sets precedence for the child that his/her parents are liars. Therefore, they came up with an idea to write one pager where the emotions could be expressed without revealing whether the child was biological born to the children. I am giving below the write up made by the parent after considerable thinking and the child’s add on description of what he heard from the parents.

Father’s note:
"The excitement I went through when my wife broke the news cannot be explained in words. We called our close relatives and friends to inform the news. We dedicated a calendar to commence a countdown to calculate how many days we need to spend before we see the arrival of the baby. That year is the longest year we have ever spent in our life. My wife started planning the life after the arrival of the baby. We discussed four times a day about the great time we are going to have with the baby when it arrives. We evaluated a list of names and chose a few names for the baby. We also started setting up a nursery for the expected child and filled a room with toys, cloths, baby soaps, nappies, etc.

We realized for the first time in our life that we spent most of the time discussing about someone who is not yet born. We prayed three times a day for the health of the baby that would arrive in a few months. We allocated work among ourselves as to who would take care of what when the baby arrives. We were anxious to know the baby’s vocabulary to understand and respond to the various sounds that the baby would make. We already discussed in our mind about the pediatrician that we are going to engage to take care of baby. We interviewed nearly 20 different couples to understand their feelings and emotions before their baby arrived. Every time, when we came across a baby, we were thinking in our mind how our baby would look like. We read so many books about child care and how to understand them. Closer we reached the date of arrival, we became obsessed with the thoughts of the child and its arrival and the wait became nearly impossible for us to handle."

Son’s note:

"My Dad and Mom got married on June 13th , 1983 and it was an arranged marriage. My dad became a certified public accountant, after he earned a degree in commerce. He was an independent consultant and took a job at the public sector company in India in 1984. Both mom and dad lived in Chennai (Madras), India until 1987. My dad was transferred to Trivandrum in his job. My mom graduated from University of Madras with an Economics Major. Later she earned a degree in Journalism. Even though mom had a job before marriage, she became a full-time homemaker after marriage. My dad took a new job at a premier Research and Development Organization in 1988. They both moved to Pune and lived in that city from 1988-1992. My mom was with my grandparents in later part of the year 1988 and delivered me in Chennai. She stayed in Chennai until May 1989. My father came to Chennai to take both of us to Pune."

Apparently, the child felt it is necessary to emphasize the point that he was biologically born to his parents. The parents never told him that he was biologically born to him at any given time but he assumed it and felt good about it. Sometimes, the emotional bonding requires that kind of an assurance. What is the right time to tell the child about adoption has to be carefully decided by the parents and I will write more about it later. In this scenario, the child was not ready to receive the information was established

 

Dear Insha,

Both Vaidehi and Eandian provided very good answers to your questions. Every child looks up to the parents, try to emulate many of their characteristics and has implicit faith and trust in them. Therefore, this important relationship should be based on Truth and Truth only. If not, it has disastrous effect on the children. Therefore, it is important to tell the truth to the child but at the same time we should prevent the children knowing about it through other sources.This is the reason why most psychologist suggest that a child should be informed about adoption at a young age. However, it is my opinion, that rushing to inform the child also has significant effect on the education and health of the child. Both parents should be available for access by children when a child is informed. They may have number of questions and the parents should answer patiently. Still it is difficult to assess what would run in the child's mind.

Viswa

 

Dear Vaidehi,

Very good answer to Insha's question. Once the love is overwhelming, it learns to give and forgive. Overcoming the anger of the parents not wanting the child is difficult and has to be replaced with a new set of parents demonstrating life without that child is nothing for them. Unconditional love is the best medicine for anger. For any human being when he or she is very angry, if they think of someone very close to them, they will be overwhelmed with love and forget the anger. The same principle applies here for the child as well. The child has to establish the words, loving, faithful, trustworthy and righteous with the parents.

Viswa

 

Dear Eandian,

Very well said. It is true if a child associates their birth with shamefulness, it has devastating impact on the life of the child. There are eight steps that the child has to overcome and many of them could happen simultaneously or in sequence.

1) Denial - No, this is not happening to me

2) Anger - Biological parents not wanting the child

3) Shame - Questions on the birth of the child

4) Insecurity - Thought about what would have happened if the adopted parents did not bring the child home

5) Fear - Will the adopted parents continue their love?

6) Bargaining - Praying for peace in return for the love of God

7) Depression - Withdrawn feeling that no one is there to love the child

8) Acceptance - Decision to accept the reality

It is not about wiping the tears of the parents but that of the child and the adopted parents need to stay brave to give the child all the confidence in the world. I will write more about each one of the points later.

Viswa