Enter

It requires an enormous amount of courage to board this train, which I lack. I pledge myself. "I will strategically sit at the seat closest to the door, even if I manage to get in." Unsure if I am courageous enough to make the journey even if I get in; and I reason with myself, "I can deboard before the train's departure."

There have been months and weeks I have managed to make it only until this train station's entrance, quietly returning back. I am unsure if it is shame, hesitancy, or maybe I am merely lethargic. Somehow, today I managed to pull myself up until the platform, and the train is just a step away.

My destination? Well, a lot can be said about that place. But to summarize, I could say where I am felt myself, though being the stranger and, in spite being there only for a brief period.

Years before life's drift took me there, by a sequence of incidents. Once I was there, I started to feel a kind of belongingness as well. I had people to look up to. You know, the ones who groom you by just letting you observe and admire them. A few of that kind, I could name at least 4, maybe 5, even more.

I vividly remember who passed on the first welcoming note, even the first smile, the first nod of acceptance.

The clock churning at its own pace, with each ticking second lasting an eternity for me, tightening the knot forming in my stomach.

I can hear my own heartbeat, each of them echoing too many questions. Will I be able to find those people? If I find them again, will they recognize me? If they recognize me, will they forgive me for not even attempting to reach out or accept me even after failing to establish contact with any?

It is not actually a conscious decision to ghost off, just that I got drifted away from the place, the same way I drifted in there. It's just procrastination, or a spate of procrastinations for about a decade or a little less to get back.

Will the place look the same or different? I wonder who will still be there, who moved away, and who all have stayed behind.

Once if I start the journey, I should prepare a list of excuses which I can use as justification for not returning soon. At least I didn't procrastinate this, I instantly unlock my phone and punch on my notes:

"1. Oh, I lost the key for my place. Just managed to get a new one made yesterday." the cliche pops up first.
"2. I am terrible with these time machines; I am never going to try one of those ever again.", thinking would be funny, but in fact doesn't impress myself at first place.
"3. Just life.." choosing the honest one as well to the list, if I may need.

I hear a blasting horn. I look up and forward, the signal turns green.

Still unsure if I am courageous enough to make the journey or to board the metaphorical train. All the questions sans answers and self-doubts which have no clarity in visible horizons keep playing in loop. Amidst, I hears a word. As a flash. Again. Same word this time in a commanding tone.

I hit ENTER.
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Mar2024