I am thinking about two different sayings today. The first one says “Relationship is very fragile. Broken relationship can be fixed but the scar of the glue remains permanently”. If I am not wrong, it means you are identified as a failure in the relationship. That you were not able to handle your issues on your own! The second saying says that “Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive”. The second saying may here be referred to the relationship that damage a person emotionally. But the saying evokes hope, optimism and belief that yes, one can survive and pride with relationship even after passing through different challenges!
If we start thinking on the first saying, we may start viewing the relationship that brings negative outcome. We may become conscious and think more about our role and contribution that we have given in the relationship. We may also associate this feeling with the negative experiences we have passed through. Or maybe, we may become extra conscious and people pleaser to maintain the relationship that we value. It builds a negative perception for our relationship. However, if we focus thinking on the next one, we would feel encouraged to put on our efforts on relationship positively. To understand, value and pride for whatever the relationship brings to us. Nevertheless, It would be more wise and realistic if one assesses the possibility and areas of further damage and takes the prevention steps towards that damage.
Most of the times, we perceive ourselves positively or negatively or do identify our strengths and weaknesses that we have received through the feedback of our relatives. Just wonder how would you think about yourself if your family is withdrawing, condemning, blaming, grumping, jealous, insecure, mean, problem focused? On the other side, how would you feel for yourself when the family is very encouraging, appreciating, loving, caring, understanding, wise and solution focused. I don’t mean that the families could be either A or B, as most of the times the families are the mixture of both of the qualities mentioned. The point is what qualities of your family have influenced you extensively! Excluding the exceptions, what qualities are general in the family? What qualities are affecting the lives of the people more in the family?
The best service to the God is the service to human. What is the essence of prayers if a person is not able to make the people in the family happy! The list of satisfying other people and relatives comes after the family. I would not encourage anybody to be ‘people pleaser’ but would surely wish people to cultivate the skills that assesses the value of a person, feelings of a person, and accepting the person with his/her strengths and weaknesses, while he/she is alive and with you!
We are human. None of us is perfect. We can learn some skills (Appropriate Communication skills and problem solving skills that benefits relationship a lot) that would be helpful. We can UNLEARN some skills that have not been helpful. We can expect FAIRNESS in the relationship. We can cultivate the win-win approach. We can allow everybody involved in the relationship to enjoy the relationship at its fullest.
Few years ago, I had read about Asian Yin and Yang philosophy that says that two incomplete halves meet to make a complete WHOLE as for example, Earth and Sky, Night and Day, Male and Female, Light and Dark, Evil and Good, two semi-circles, etc. Every time, We do not need to have similar thinking, culture, gender, choices, status, position or other characteristics to make the relationship successful but we do need to have, every time, an attitude that has beautiful understanding, thinking, words and behaviour that is ACCEPTABLE AND FAIR.
Let the relationship grow with time and with experiences. Let the relationship not be expected to be a BLISS without any efforts put on it. A plant needs water at regular interval, it needs fertiliser, appropriate sunlight and environment to grow healthily. It becomes capable to face strong winds and rains when it is at it’s maturity stage. Every time, I wonder, Could we expect our relationship to become directly a fully grown-up tree and survive all challenges? Could we allow our relationship plant grow without the fertiliser (caring words), water at particular interval (caring actions) or in the absence of other environmental factors (allow your person do his/her favourite activities. Allow your person to socialise, grow and enjoy his/her space unless it is not harmful).
It is not advisable to over-do or under-do giving water, fertilisers or exposure to the environment. Spare some time with your relationship so that it grows in your observation and gives you strength when you really need it!Maintain healthy boundary!
With all this understanding, let us wish ourselves a prosperous relationship with our spouse, partner, kids, friends, society, colleagues, and others. Let us give time to the relationship according to it’s importance. Let us manage relationship well. And last but not least, do not forget, the first relationship of ours is the relationship with SELF!