Hi all, I had 2 bad experiences in a row which forced me to post here. Encountered some under 18 sales girl at a store who talked so rudely and I listened, could not just ask..why are you rude?..just came out with merchandise. At work, I am bad at communications. Infact this thing has ruined my career. I thought about it a lot....what are my problems... Is it my english skills? or US? I think - I have this problem with confronting people. When I do not anticipate things and they suddenly happen, I do not know how to respond. In India, school/college I was same. When some oversmart Indian friend or relative tries to box me, I can not fight back. But when I go shopping or buy or other kind of services in India, somehow I know how things are in India. So I know guy would not have done it timely and making me go rounds, I fight. Here in US shopping, sales representative or neighborhood, I suddenly have some bad encounter, I can not handle it or answer back. I do not expect these things to happen here. So I do not think it is my english. I had friend who was so poor in English, Still she would argue every sales guy in US to bargain and even cops giving her ticket and lawyers helping her case for tickets, driving test guy (who drives along) at DMV who fails her driving test because she is horrible in driving, airport ticket agent because she wants her overweight luggage to be carried in, and specially when he saw her sneaking stuff into bag after its weighed and tagged, then assistant who takes luggage from customer on belt. She is successful...Yes. Now this things are causing problems in my career also. Earlier worksplace, I knew my stuff very well. So I could converse 100% about hows,whens, whys. So I was able to speak well there and my desi collegues always cornering me, I used to fight them. But I could not go and complain about my idiotic desi manager who would come and comment me on my appearance, dress up everyday. Now, I work with fully angrez and older than me people. I am not confident enough and I am not fully knowledgeable, So I stammer. I can not keep on casual conversation with them. Result - I do not know anyone and because I am not comfortable with them, I can not even speak well at meetings. I work very hard and always finish on-time somehow. But impression is everything. Unless I know my stuff 200%, I do not feel confident and even if know I more than others, I stammer and sound less knowledgeable to manager and get advised on appraisals. People know less, speak more. Not everyone needs to know everything..right. My this personality has always stopped me to achieve from what I deserve, at personal and career level. Someone else eats my fruit. So how to improve my conversation skills? I am not bad but do not have ability to make friends. Can not carry on casual conversation at starbucks, restrooms etc...like others do. I go in offical parties alone and come out alone.
Did you try self help books on communication.? Google some topics on communication. Check I your organization , there could be some training on communication. Do you say hi , good morning to people you encounter in restrooms / next cubicle? weather is always a talking point ..today is too cold , nice , too hot . compliment on someone dress , necklace , bag . The other person will continue conversation, smile and say it is nice even if you don't have anything else to say. if you are near microwave , tell them the food is smelling nice . what kind of work do you do.? volunteer for some work, participate in some social work organized at work .ask your colleague about something you don't know about the place or food or anything. if it is new subject area you are working in , try looking up in Wikipedia if it is available, I found topics in wiki to be precise , concise and will help you a get some idea. If you feel your English is a problem , talk to your husband at home. are you good in written English, communicate your work through emails. Regarding sales persons and others, I would not bother, if something you feel is wrong you can always call customer service and complain .
Hi armummy - I do not think its English. I think its comfort level I feel with other person. I can very well talk with my neighbors. Some formal friends/collegues with whom I feel comfortable, talk well.. share lunch & stories okay...still very formal....Now if something happens, I can not answer back or raise my voice,But I hv some kind of anger in my heart, so again I can not talk with them ever comfortably. It is my nervousness I get from some people. I feel like a village girl coming to big city or first day in school. If some conversation or sudden comment from someone is not anticipated, I can not think anything to answer. In kitchen, elevators or malls, people randomly comment or say something & go, and I keep thinking what did they day? If someone comes to ask something or some help, then I do not get any problems. It just does not strike me what to speak when I do not expect the conversation. And this happens everywhere in all parts of earth.
Omg your post exactly refelects what iam going thorugh .. except that I am not working right now.. I have been fighting with this problem for ages.. and it seems to get bad..without any improvement.. Even I am waiting for the replies ..
@dimpy12 I am glad to know that I am not the only one. I got worse with time. I was shy in nature but atleast confident at work in the beginning. But moving to US, struggling with visa issues, not working, return to work, lying about skills/experiences, then again not working, then again interviewing with lies... I think all this really affected on my personality... I have seen so many women as homemakers are so good at making friends, not just in Indian communities. They go to libraries, make friends. I have big "what - if" in my mind aggravated by some bad experiences. Someone strikes regular weather conversation on me, I look stupid. Unless someone is asking help to cross roads (joking), asking directions etc. I am bad. I think we need to communicate more to take out that hunch inside killing us and giving wrong impression on others. Like we are not social or not likable or not liking others. Sadly, we know the solution but we can not act on it. Couple times I tried to be prompt in starting conversations, I was thrown flatly but "whatttt & why the hell she is talking to me" kind of look because person is conversation is just like me and they I am too SMART/challu & run away.bie1 and i myself can not talk to people who look challu/over-SMART to me.
@sanjuruby .. you are so good at writing what you feel girl .. I am repeating this again but this is again the same problem I am facing .. After a long break i joined work in usa and I could hardly manage .. and I shivered when I spoke to my collegues .. And yes I cannot handle people who are oversmart .. I become soo dumb and let them make fool of me .. When I came to USA .. for an year or so I never ever spoke to anyone at any store.. and my husband used to laugh at me .. I felt really foolish because I am a PG holder and I stammered like a school kid.. Now I am planning to again start job search by faking my experience and I feel jitters at night thinking of how I will manage , will they know that I am faking it .. goshhh I pray everyday to god please make me confident atleast now.. One more thing that keeps botheirng me in my mind when iam talking to people is.. what are they thinking about me?, will they make fun of me at my back?...as if thats the only work they have ..
I used to be extremely shy and will not talk to anyone unless I am comfortable. Somehow, I grow up along with my son out of necessity. I don't want my boy to be left behind without attention from his teachers and friends network. I started making friends with his school friend's mom and extended my network to accommodate his play dates/sleep overs. It is an excellent topic as an icebreaker to talk at work about your the kids, vacation plan, activities etc. Networking is a learned discipline. The trick is you have to find a good mentor and tag along for while to establish yourself. There are times, my work/presentation had to be vouched by my buddies. More ever, meetings happen outside/before the meetings and decisions were already made. With your reputable mentor, soon others will recognize your work. It doesn't happen overnight or in a week. It takes years of effort to have that well established buddy system (pow-wow group). Usually, it happens when you are a junior member of the team, just like in 'school'. If you watch closely, these group will move in and out of org. as a team and keep in touch with each other (growing older together) like a family. These are not race/gender specific, personalities/interest/hobbies/smartness that binds these folks together. I am still in touch with people inside/outside of work for years and it applies to both personal and professional life. Just get out of your comfort zone and start a conversation with a big smile. That's all it takes.
@poovai - You were lucky to find good people to work with. I am not lucky to FIND good people. I literally mean "FIND" . Good people and good managers exist but I do not know how to hook them in the fish-hook. In office I like to concentrate on work, heads-down person because I have to perform also. Do not know how to ask others to lunch together if just once they say casually say ther are busy or will eat late. @dimpy12 I am PG holder and have same stammer issue. Don't you lose words when people talk to you and thinking power also and even listening power.shakehead ..Later I keep pondering over. I wish in my times, when I was educating in India, these skills were important to be taught. Or my parents had put little more effort in putting me on stage, & less on teaching me maths/science all the time and crying on my dropped percentage. I am praying my daughter be little older to be outside in public so I can exploit her cuteness in making connections.
" lying about skills/experiences, then again not working, then again interviewing with lies. " "Now I am planning to again start job search by faking my experience and I feel jitters at night thinking of how I will manage , will they know that I am faking it " Probably I am out of touch with recent career / job market. Curious- why would you fake or lie regarding experience in job ? Aside from ethics, Isn't that illegal ?If company finds out about this you will be fired with very bad remarks that might effect future jobs. Isn't that the case anymore ?
