Very real and honest confession of a SAHM on a working woman...

anika987 · Jul 30, 2014

Lots of threads about working vs homemaker..

I have to be BLUNT and PAINFULLY truthful about how I feel.
I am a SAHM.

This is not a support system for a working woman but just my feelings which are suffocating me so much are written here. I just want to take it out of my heart!

No matter what we say or argue,the honest truth is working women have it better.

Noone can make you feel inferior without your consent! The person who said it really do not understand that it is not practical to all!

In today's society,the fact is working women are respected more.They are deemed more smarter,respected,confident than stay at home moms whether true or not.

Truth is,working outside the home gives one self confidence as she feels more at peace,ACCEPTED,respected for her work which ultimately is what every woman
needs.Some may not be happier working outside but definetly she feels a sense of fulfillment as she is ACCEPTED by the society.

She may be feeling very tired,annoyed that she has to make so much of sacrifices and no time for herself BUT there will be an underlying sense of fulfillment.

As a stay at home mom (I do have my personal reasons for being home)Honestly no matter what I reason give,all I see is people rolling their eyes,shrugging their shoulders for my decision to stay at home.My neighbor kids find it very weird to know that I am at home all day and keeps questioning me why!My relatives look at me with disdain.It is very tough to deal with this situation.It enters your mind like SLOW POISON and harms u and makes you feel bad.

I may be an educated, intellegent, hardworking person with my own talents but it is all a waste in the eyes of the society if I am going to be at home.No matter how happy my life is,even if I feel good ..I am NOT ALLOWED TO feel good coz I am at home.

There have been many times when I have been annoyed by women who work outside coz of the respect and acceptance they get but that annoyance is nothing but the feeling of inferiority complex I face. Especially, some working women spoil the name of other good working women by being arrogant at their success which makes SAHM like me to dislike all working women. Apologies for that.

I personally like my life. I AM NOT BUSY 24/7.I like spending time on books,tv,fitness,going out also.It is balanced, fun and I have time for myself but I am always being questioned on how I am wasting my life which has completely ruined the happy life I have got.Tough guys,really really tough to feel good with every tom,dick and harry trying to question ur decision.Easy to say"do not care" but not so practical.I try my best to walk with my head held high but it is not possible anymore.

There are lot of working women who enjoy working but I am not like that.I really really like being at home,I have no financial difficulties or welfare to fall back on (being very honest) but I will work in the future JUST TO BE ACCEPTED IN THE SOCIETY.

I feel like working woman have got it all.Except for some stupid,irritating,high on attitude arrogant types,I really really think working woman
have this confident, right attitude look on their face which makes them look really very beautiful.

Lastly,there are lot of SAHM who have to be at home due to inlaws probs,dh probs,illness,kids probs and other things BUT somehow all those do not seem to matter anymore.Society asks you only one question WORKING or AT HOME?

You say the former...u are allowed to walk with your head held high..say the latter..you are doomed.
Just a small vent from my heart...The above is completely my feelings and not by every SAHM.

ChennaiExpress · Jul 30, 2014

You must be in USA ......

Being a SAHM is work because you have to take care of the house, kids, etc. Unfortunately, society takes that special work for granted.

I say let women do as they please, as long as it is helping them and their families.

anika987 · Jul 30, 2014

I agree with chennaiexpress..
and OP I am sad society makes us feel the way u do.U are being very honest.Appreciate that.

Mscongeniality · Jul 30, 2014

Hi, Anithra,
You have laid it nicely like it is. I have been a SAHM for a very brief time in my life and can relate to your experience somewhat even though the time I was at home was essentially spent finding employment. While I agree that working moms have it easier than SAHMs in most scenarios, I must say that there must be more women like you who should exercise the option if one exists. Just because it is not a viable option for most women due to financial, emotional or security reasons, I think it is ignorant to look down on SAHMs or think that they are better because they juggle two jobs. I work - and derive happiness and identity from my work - but I do not think I work harder or do anything more important than a SAHM. In fact, I often count the benefits we would have accrued as a family - financial, emotional, etc. if I had stayed home and cared full time for the family. It evens out either way but I made the choice and want every human being to have that option.

gauridinesh · Jul 30, 2014

Hmm. Interesting perspetive.
My sister was working. A Engineer and an MBA.Both from good institutions. She was never career oriented, but went to work nonetheless. Like you, she did not have any financial troubles. One day she decided to quit. She said ' I have had enough of the corporate world. I want to stay at home'. Her kids are not very small - meaning reason to stay at home was not kids or ailing parents or anything like that. She just wanted to stay at home. She was done working.
My parents and all her relatives brought the sky down on this decision. They kept telling her 'what good is your education. Did we educate you to this level so that you can toil in the kitchen???'. Somehow, no one saw the point that it was her choice and she just was tired of working.
She experiences the same kind of 'taunts' that you go through. She also has changed a lot after she stopped working. Is not as confident as before. Keeps overthinking stuff. I can see these 'taunts' slowly getting to her.
So I kind of understand what you are going through. But I would say dont start working JUST to get accepted by people who have no other business but to talk. Go if you really enjoy it. My two cents.

anika987 · Jul 31, 2014

U are right gauridinesh.All those TAUNTS are the major cause of all problems!!
One has to be super strong emotionally and I am not that

SunNaa · Jul 31, 2014

I do get your point... but I believe that people make you feel a certain way only IF you allow them to...if you are confident about yourself and have support of your loved one then no one can make you feel inferior...

I am well educated...a doctor with a MBA ..I am not a mom but I'm not working due to certain factors...I don't really care about what others think..it's none of their business if I am working or not...my DH, my parents and my in-laws support me unconditionally and that's all I need... I am happy with my life...and have no regrets...yes initially there were relatives who rolled eyes and shrugged their shoulders and it bothered me at times but now it doesn't..not at all...

Work if you want to but just don't work for the heck of it...society will always have something to say...even if you get a good job..they will roll their eyes at 1000 other things...where is this society when you are facing problems in your life? nowhere...so they don't really matter...don't let them take away your happiness!

and hey life is short..we all have numbered days on this planet so enjoy it! cherish the moment you spend with your loved ones.. good luck!

anika987 · Jul 31, 2014

Thanks sunaa.I really admire you for your strength and conviction.

U must have had it real tough with all the taunts.I can totally relate! I have an adorable dh and supportive family.Just that the other day,my cousin who despite having being a new mom is going for a full time job and she was praised on and on.She had this proud look on this face and a small ..very small smirk from her side to me,just got me irritated.I am sure she worked hard to be who she is today but people do not understand THAT IS NOT THE LIFE I WANT!!!

I just do not get it why people think if u work out of home,that is what makes your life complete and I am also forced to feel so!

I seriously admire working woman not coz they work outside BUT I just wonder "how the hell they manage everything.it is too hard!" that's all.But,I do not want that kind of a life!! why some working women (SOME) assume just coz they work outside,I will be yearning for their life?I just don't! Infact,I feel pity on one of cousins who work crazy hard and hardly get time for herself! I totally admire the amount of hardwork she does but I just feel pity for all those sacrifices.

I just wish people understand that not all working women yearn to be at home and not all stay at home moms go totally ga ga over the life of a working women.

All those taunts assuming that my life is not good annoys me.

anmolhai · Jul 31, 2014

I can relate to what you are feeling. I was a SAHM for 16 years before I started working part time. In those 16 years there have been SO many times when relatives ( some) will say I should update myself and think about working. My answer was always the same.....in our household this works best for our family. But I will be lying if I said that these comments didn't rob my self confidence and made me feel inferior.
They certainly DID!

I have friends who are very highly educated but are home to raise their kids. Some are very confident in their choice but some have similar issues.

I hope that the coming generations, us included will change this opinion.

Laks09 · Jul 31, 2014

Anithra - What if you find a job and someone else taunts you for your position/salary/the car you drive/clothes you wear etc? Will you then strive for all that just because someone else thinks you don't have it? If your DH supports you and respects you, then why bother about these insignificant people.

I have only one thing to add, other than the stuff I already mentioned in last month'a thread. You be proud of yourself. Don't let others dictate how you feel. If you genuinely want to stay home, do so. You need to have a lot of self esteem, if you don't won't your kids do what you do. Look for approval from others who will never find you adequate.

Maybe your cousin seriously has superiority complex. I've dealt with people like her. Don't give them the time of the day. Just ignore them and you do all the fun stuff that she doesn't get to so. If it was my cousin, I would regularly post my happy updates as a SAHM wherever I can. Today, I took my son to the park, picture. Today, I went out with my girl friends for a movie, picture. Today I went for a mani/pedi with my DD picture. Maybe that will improve your self confidence over time. But this is just a bandaid. The real issue is for you to get it out of your head that what other people say or do hold any water.
I suggest you read up on assertiveness and positively tactfully dealing with negative people in your life. Guesshoo, I think had posted some articles and books she used in the past.

If you react, then they get the fuel to irk you further. A bully remains a bully only when you give her the importance. Don't let it show on your face, just act neutral, like nothing was ever said. Change the topic tactfully. btw, this cousin doesn't seem like someone I'd like around me. Why bother keeping in touch? Cut her off if they gives you peace of mind but be mindful that the world is full of people who want to pull you down. If you keep giving into their whims, they win. Don't give anyone the pleasure of hurting you and winning.

Concentrate on your family and have fun! That's what matters, isn't it?