Does Marriage Satisfy Our Emotional Needs? - A Happy Example!

Does Marriage Satisfy Our Emotional Needs – A Happy Example

Most Gracious ILites,
I have been receiving complaints that my Emotional Needs threads have become very heavy. Whether we like it or not we should address this basic problem which affects the closest relationship between two human beings. Agreed Shiva-Raji case (Nasty Example) was sad, rare and according to a majority of ILites an insurmountable problem.

This week let us see a positive example. An example in which a woman took the lead and solved the problem in her own inimitable style. It was not a very happy solution that made every one dance with joy. But nevertheless it was an intelligent solution which has a lesson or two for each one of us. This time I can say with confidence, Happy Reading.
Even if you feel sad reading this, do not worry. Come this Saturday another classical poem or story would be waiting for you in the Saturdays Thread to take the burden off your shoulders. Now let us quickly get on with this unique case.
Varalotti


Priya was the eldest daughter of a very rich Doctor in a provincial town. She was extraordinarily beautiful – about 5’ 10”, with a slender frame which accentuated her sharp facial features. She was her father’s pet child and her slightest whims were fulfilled by him.
Even at a very young age she took to music. Her teacher commented that she should have had some connection to music right from her previous birth. And mind you this was not an exaggeration. When I was a 16 year old lad (Priya should be 6, 7 years elder to me) I saw her performing in a local Sabha. I whole-heartedly seconded her teacher’s opinion.
Priya’s wedding was a ‘talk-of-the-town’ event. She was married to Rishi, a young, handsome businessman in Chennai. Life to them was an eternal honeymoon. Priya gave birth to a cute baby boy.

When the boy was about 10 years old, Priya’s husband started facing problems in his business. There was a messy family partition that drained all of Rishi’s energies. Though Rishi had his righteous share in the family property and could have lived happily with that, he was quite upset about the behaviour of his uncles and cousins. Rishi who was a social drinker till then became an alchoholic.

He would frequent the bars of star hotels almost every afternoon and every night. House to him became a “bed-and-breakfast” accommodation with Priya as the caretaker. Leaving early in the morning he would return only late in the night and hit the bed directly.

Priya tried her best to reform her husband. She enlisted the help of her family elders. But that only resulted in nasty fights. Rishi started coming to the house once in three days. Priya was devastated.

She now knew very well that her marriage had failed. And that her emotional needs would never be fulfilled by the sham of a marriage that still subsisted with Rishi. Divorce was not the option. Now Priya was in her late thirties and she could not marry again. Her teenage son would be devastated by their divorce.

Priya now took to music again with a vengeance. She had not been singing for a while. Now she engaged the services of expert teachers to learn the nuances of Carnatic Music. As music entered her heart again her mind became peaceful and she could think of her marriage in objective terms.

Meanwhile two events occurred which sort of paved the way for her unique decision. Her son had to go to the US for higher studies. Priya was mildly depressed. She had to be home alone most of the time, with her errant husband visiting her once in a week or so. Her nagging mother-in-law was living with her. At that age and in that condition Priya found that the words of her mother-in-law were hurtful and she could not bear to hear them any longer.

Her father died and left her a beautiful, furnished flat right in the heart of the city. And Priya made her decision.

She told her husband that she could no longer live in his house which constricted her. Nor could she tolerate her nagging mother-in-law. She wanted to devote the rest of her life to music. So she was going to live all alone in the flat bequeathed to her by her father.

She did not say that with anger or hatred. She was soft but unusually firm. She will live all alone in her flat. Rishi was welcome to visit her any time he wanted. But it would be preferable if he could call her and ascertain her convenience.

Her mother-in-law staged a drama. Rishi shouted. Priya was calm. She said that if he still objected, then divorce was the only choice. That clinched the argument in her favour.

Now Priya lives alone in her flat. She practises music for 6 hours in a day. She is now a well-known musician. She has her own group of friends in the music circle. They visit her and she visits them. Whenever her son comes from the US he stays with her. Priya’s father had gifted some shares to her at the time of her marriage. Those shares have multiplied in value and now give her a good financial security and a decent income. Added to that she is making good money in music. She has released more than a dozen cassettes.

The very surprising part is that Rishi now sees her with respect. He has not changed his ways. But he visits her twice or thrice a week. And when he comes he talks to her for a long time, discusses his business problems with her and hears her suggestions.

And now when I hear her sing I do not hear the cries of a subjugated wife but the freedom song of a woman who is in charge of her own life; not the passionate pleas of a frustrated woman, but the perfect music flowing from a fulfilled human being. May she ever be blessed.


Varalotti

Dear Varalotti,

I truly enjoyed this weeks story.Let me share something with you. I have a very close friend who very recently had a divorce.She is extraordinarily beautiful(Kamal hassan had once offered her to act ina movie with him!), so many men were behind her .She chose to marry a normal looking man whoz dad had some nervous disorder She lived happily in a joint family with her inlaws and her FIL's mother too! She was succesful graphics designer in a leading software company.

Life was a bliss-- until one day she saw condoms in her husbands office shirt pockets! Then she started tracking him -- she found 2 cinema tickets, some card and finally what hit the nail was a joint insurance of her husband with some other lady! All along she was questioning him, acting hysterical crazy. But when she saw the JLP and some mails which he had written to her, she suddenly became extremely composed! She was clear! her decision was made.She divorced him!Now shes become a project manager, shes doing her Corporate MBA and playback singing for movies simultaneously!

Its been a month since they have filed for a divorce , yes very recently, but all the commotion in her life has been going on for the last 6 months .She had a love marriage, she loved the man deeply, even now she does, she was devastated. But she chose to fight-- to win the war against herself. Priya and my friend , their situations are not very diff.Just felt like penning it, its inspirational to write about winners!

i am quoting one line from the mail which she had sent to me "If God intended me to have a
happy married life, it would have been good the first time around. If everything is in God's power, the same God could have automatically changed Hari(name changed). So This is how life is. No God, No Karma. It just is. Do what u do and accept what comes to u. Set your limits as to what u can
accept, what you cannot accept. Thats it, i guess." Deep down she still has that hurt. Thats the saddest part varalotti! Howmuch ever we 'pretend' to be happy,sometimes we do squirm inside >Hope she comes out of this mess soon!

Thanks for the post Varalotti. I truly enjoyed todays snippet!

Regards,
Purnima

My dear Sridhar,

I cannot help mentioning ( totally unrelated, though) that Sharadas, Malathys & Vidyas have made their exit and Rajis and Priyas have made their entry as your heroines, atleast for the time being. I welcome this change very much.

Priya has realised that she is the only person who can make a lasting difference to her way of life. She has asserted herself, avoiding pointless arguments and confrontations. She is not a victim anymore, but her own saviour.

The best passage is
“She did not say that with anger or hatred. She was soft but unusually firm”.

This one line shows undeniably, the “ seemingly gentle but tough” emotions of a woman, in general.

In tamil, there is a proverb “ Kaalukku uthavatha……”. Well, I do not want to complete that, for fear of hurting you. But that is the right attitude, a woman must adopt when facing such a situation in life.

Priya decided not to stay in that rut, feel sorry for her misfortune, wait for another try or indulge in self-pity. She convinced herself that she needed to do something about her own life, took good charge of it and moved on ! She is no more attached to her past which lies a distant shore behind her !
Having the power to save herself, she is free, but safe. By seeking the right road, she has found her strength.

She tells us
This is my journey.
This is my life.
I create the road as I walk.
Please give my best wishes to Priya, she deserves them richly !

Love & regards,
Chithra.

Dear Purnima,

You have answered my story with another story. I was moved by your friend's lines:

"If God intended me to have a happy married life, it would have been good the first time around. If everything is in God's power, the same God could have automatically changed Hari(name changed). So This is how life is. No God, No Karma. It just is. Do what u do and accept what comes to u. Set your limits as to what u can accept, what you cannot accept. Thats it, i guess."

God is not interested in us having a happy married life. Not even a happy life. He is interested in our spiritual growth and overall welfare. Unfortunately your friend had to learn a lesson there through Hari which she did. I admire your friend for boldly walking out of a bad marriage and a cheating husband.

Right now her wound is fresh and therefore it hurts. Time would heal her wounds. And then she would meet the right man in her life and then have a really happy married life.

Seeing my happy sounding words you might think that Priya has a happy life now. Substantially so. But still there are some needs, emotional needs, which only a husband can fulfill. There she still lacks. But she has music, her set of friends and above all a free and an independent life to compensate her for that.

Thanks for the participation, Purnima.
regards,
Varalotti

Dear Sridhar & Purnima,

Thanx for sharing those stories with us. I think sridhar u should continue this thread, this will give us lesson's & give us couage too. I Just want to say that ur all the stories are great . Plz do continue this lovely topic. Keep it up!

In Couple of years value of life changing so fast, & so the relationship between couples are & through this stories we wil learn so much & U never know this will help in our life too.

Thanx Once again

Dear Chitra,

The path taken by Priya can be chosen by any woman provided she has the strength to stand alone and defy the established customs.
What Priya had was not just financial independence. In todays world where women opt for jobs, that is there. But the women lack the emotional independence. Priya had it and she took the plunge.

Let me reiterate what I told in my reply to Purnima. What Priya has chosen is not a bed of roses. Priya might hate the rishi who drinks every day and comes home once in a week or so. But she definitely requires some male companion for her emotional needs. And she would be missing that.

Another thing I want to emphasise here with a sense of pride. Priya might have chosen a solitary life and might have walked out of her marital home. But she is a woman of great moral values. She has not chosen to live a wayward life. She is one of the most disciplined persons I have ever known. She holds on to her sense of values.

I am now convinced only a woman of high values, a very responsible woman like Priya could have made such a sensible choice.

thanks for your wishes to Priya.

sridhar

Hello Sridhar,
I would like to share some of my experiences here.
This is the story of a girl whom I know very well. Theirs was an arranged marriage, after that only she understood husband is alcoholic plus workaholic. Hus was not satisfied in wife’s beauty and told her directly that I didn’t expect a wife like you. Everything happened like Priya’s case, Hus came at night and fell on bed and went in the morning as usual. She didn’t hesitate to ask her friends, how was their life and compared her with them.
She told them frankly that her emotional needs were not satisfied...
She threatened her husband that she would commit suicide, but she was sure she couldn’t do it bcoz of her son.
The fighting between the couple spread among family and friends. Every body thought it is better to have the divorce soon.
But a sudden change, that girl turned to spirituality. Her intimacy with the God gave her more and more strength to suffer everything. She became patient.
God filled her husband‘s heart with drops of love, he changed a lot. Now both are leading a peaceful life with their child.
since this lady is not well educated, if she had done divorce, she would have forced to do another marrige and this would have ruined her son's life.
In this case Priya is lucky, so she had not to wait for long to change her husband's mind.
Thanks Sridhar you have given us a chance for positive thinking.

Dear Sridhar,

I admire Priya for her courage and for the way she stood up for herself and then carved out a niche . But then again, I would not call this an happy example. I am sure that despite all the friends that Priya has, she must be feeling moments of loneliness and the need for a Male companionship. It still leaves me feeling sad that another marriage had to die. The only saving grace is that Priya came out a strong and independant woman and did not get crushed in the institution of marriage.

Vandhana

Sir,

As you said that Priya was in her late 30s, she was very clear that she has no other option of living the rest of her life single. She had a good focus on her career and that uplifted her. Though her personal life was a failure, her career was successful and gave her solace. She had a heart of accepting the hardships of life. She won.

Really a happy example for desperate wives.


Vanaja

Dear Sridhar,
The last few weeks were very sad. That is why I could not participate. Even though Priya is lonely[emotionally] she is a free women. I don't see a point if she continues with Rishi. She held her head high and as you have said I admire her for not being angry,rude etc but being firm.
She was also very smart to continue with her music as that was her only solace. We need more women to take steps like this since I have seen some friends being battered verbally,physically but yet will stick to their marriage. I always wonder why?????. They are independent and well educated too.
I really really admire PRIYA. My best wishes to her and her son. BTW does Rishi feel lonely too. Any idea?
Love,