Emotional Needs Frustration - A Nasty Example!

Dear Madam,

What you have told about Shiva is true. The last time I met him was in his family doctor's clinic where I had gone for some other work. He was uncoordinated and was quite hazy. He could not even recognise me. He was highly irritable and was fighting with the Doctor's assistant for a worthless matter. While the person I went with was furious with Shiva, I had nothing but sympathy for him. Of course I pity his wife more.

I shudder to think about the kind of relationship Shiva and Raji would have in days to come. Gita has been hurriedly married off and now she is off Shiva's life. According to the latest reports she is happily married and now has a baby boy who demands all her attention. Shiva for her is a remote past and just a painful memory.

It is true that couples should not seek gratification outside their marriage, be it sexual need or emotional ones. But we cannot mercilessly apply the rule. I know many men who have a healthy relationship with their friends (in both sexes) to supplement or compensate what they lost in their lifeless marriage. Nobody is as daring and as foolish as Shiva to flirt with a lady openly in their place of work. But they have a good relationship bordering on intimacy with their colleagues, friends, club-members and the like.

Next time you visit a branch of nationalised bank in India you watch the conversation between colleagues. I have been obliged to sit in bank branches all day for audit work. I have seen many beautiful friendships being formed between colleagues, many a time beloging to the opposite sex.

Unlike Shiva and Gita they dont hold hands and talk all day. But as they are keying in the daily report or entering the details in SB accounts they do exchange notes on virtually everything under the sun.

There is a line drawn somewhere and provided this line is not crossed such a third-party relationship will not harm a marriage. On the other hand it will only help strengthen it. I vividly remember an incident that happened in the 80s when I was a young auditor doing a day-long bank audit.
A lady staff came to the branch with swollen eyes. She had been crying all night. She was working next to a young man (they should be in their early thirties). My temporary seat was behind them and I could not help overhearing their conversation.

The lady complained about her husband who had been rude to her the previous evening. The man consoled her and made her look at the whole thing from her husband's angle. By lunch time the lady started thinking. And when she left the branch in the evening she was all smiles. I was sure that she was going to buy some gift for her husband on the way home and they were going to have one of the finest evenings of their lives.

If one can maintain such a kind of healthy relationship, yes, it's fine. But if it degenerates into Shiva-Gita type, well life would become hell after that.

Relationship outside marriage can be made a separate topic for discussion.

Thanks madam, for your views.
regards,
sridhar

Dear Purnima,

This snippet is as much a lesson to me as it is to you. And we need to learn continuously so long as we live. The only people who need not learn are those who are peacefully sleeping in cemetries.

Though a feminist would have pounced upon your mother for making a statement like that (only the lady of the house can make/break and give in 80%) it is sadly true. The other day one of my lady friends sadly remembered her mothers words, "pombalaikku ivvalvu kovam koodathu". While anger is bad in a woman it is worse and wrecks a family and a marriage. Simply because it provokes a more than proportionate reaction in men. I am not here to defend men, but that is a sad fact of life.

Shiva's wife 's behaviour is quite peculiar. While she has chosen to ignore her husband she is furious when somebody else is kind to him. Quite understandable. Because when a man has such a kind of relationship it's a disgrace to the wife as a woman. And she reacted vehemently because the neighbourhood started talking ill of her.

About gracefully parting, well, that two words put together now sounds like an oxymoron to me. In India parting is nothing but graceful. There is a stigma attached to a divorcee which is far more than to a woman who pretends to live a happy life. In other words a sham of a marriage is respected but divorce is not. This is a cultural value imbibed in our genes.

I am vexed thinking of some solutions to Shiva and Raji. I am worried more about their children than themselves. Their daughter hates marriage like anything and is rejecting all the alliances. I shudder to think what will happen to her.

But for praying to God, I cant think of anything else. Can you, Purnima?
regards,
Varalotti

Dear Kamla,

I was a little concerned to see you lost in thought about Shiva and Raji. My mind is tired thinking about them. Not that they have approached me for solutions; I am not that close to them.

But it is quite pathetic to see them now. And their daughter who simply refuses to marry. To see such a beautiful and intelligent girl about to spoil her life, is quite heart-rending. But I am helpless, absolutely helpless.

Now coming to the counselling part. I have counselled hundreds of people. The list includes CA students, Senior Executives, housewives, career-women and even a kid from the US who was unduly worried about her boyfriend.

One thing I have found is that when people recognise the need for counselling the problem is half-solved. And that recognition comes only to a small percentage of sufferers. I never counsel anybody unless the concerned person approaches me.

Once I was counselling a senior professional who complained of depression. I told her that the mere fact she recognised the depression in her by itself is a positive step. And assured her that given proper treatment the depression would go. And it did. She is now leading a happy life.

Sorry for the digression, Kamla. But I want to say this that Shiva and Raji have not even suspected that their problems need expert counselling. They only consult their first circle of friends and relatives who say what those people want to hear. And there lies a problem.

And after observing Shiva and Raji for some time I think they have a lot of comforts at home. Everything gets done somehow or other. They have enough money to last for generations. No need to do housework.
When a lady in the US approached a pscyhiatrist and was talking about her depression for a long time paying the top dollar for him, the Doctor summed up her problem in simple words,
"too much of comforts at home and too little gratitude at heart."
I think that diagnosis would hold good for Shiva-Raji.
Trust me, Kamla, I am as much lost in thought as you are.
Thanks for the participation,
sridhar

After reading all your responses and after replying them I now feel all of us are saying the samething in different words and in different ways.

But I want to point out this. Contrary to what we think marriages do not wither away because of some major problem like infidelity or even abuse. Of course problems like that are fatal to the marriage. But a majority of marriages wither away simply because the spouses drift from each other over time. This can happen due to various reasons.

People are constantly changing and are constantly growing. When the growth/change is not compatible they grow away from each other. And the relationship fades away which is what happened in Shiva-Raji's case.

I know a group of merchants here in Madurai whose work and recreation schedule ipso facto prevents a healthy relationship with their spouses. They would get up around 730 in the morning and after the usual morning rituals will go to work around 10. Will come back at one for lunch. And after lunch would sleep for 3 hours. Back to shop at 4 30, 5 will come back home by 11.
Some of the more dynamic lot go to a club by 7 and stay there till midnight. This is the schedule for 6 days.

They treat their wives as a fixture in their house like the TV or DVD player. And life goes on.

There is no fighting here. They simply do not relate at all. As you said fighting is far healthier for it is an incontrovertible evidence of subsistence of a marriage.

I presented a paper in a Rotary Conference on the Anatomy of an Indian Marriage which I have given here in IL in the Family Thread.

Well, we cannot ask Shiva and Raji to love each other. Love cannot be commanded. If it does not come of its own it cannot come at all. So what do we do? Just pray.
thanks for sharing your thoughts, AGR.
sridhar

Dear Sir,

Is Shiva aware of the matter that Gita is leading a happy life now? If it was a true love definitely Shiva would also feel happy about it. He should be informed. He should know that Gita is still happy without him. That will definitely comfort him. May be Shiva is not ok with his wife, but he would definitely feel for his daughter.

His daughter should get married and a new born relation (grandson) would certainly comfort both Shiva and Raji.

regards,

Vanaja

Dear Madam,
As I have told already Shiva's life has gone upside down. Of course he wished Gita the best of luck when she got married. He went there and gave a good gift to Gita and her husband.
But inwardly he is broken.

As to finding solace in a new relationship, namely his, grandson, I would like to say that you are blessed with a soft and a kind heart.

But Shiva's daughter now refuses to marry. She rejected all the alliances brought forth by her parents. Shiva and Raji have even hinted that she is free to marry a boy of a different caste and religion, if she is in love.

That is where the matter stands as of now.
regards,
sridhar

Dear Sir,

Thank u for the complimets again. As far as this matter is concerned, only Time can change things and by God's grace it is for definite, when kind hearts whom have taken part in this thread are all praying for their peace.

regards,

Vanaja

Most Gracious ILites,
The next instalment of Wednesdays Thread is due tomorrow. This 'Emotional Needs' has given me (and probably to you too) a bad hangover. So tomorrow we will continue with the Emotional Needs Thread and look at the problem from the angle of another woman who thought out of the box.

Meanwhile I have another interesting news to share with you. I made a close relative of Shiva-Raji to read this thread. This lady read that and called me to compliment that I have portrayed the picture well.

She said that whatever I said was true though I have not divulged all the truth. I did not do that because I wanted to protect the privacy of the persons involved.

She loved some of the responses to the story, especially, those of Chitvish and Kamla.

Now keep your fingers crossed until tomorrow.
L,
Varalotti

Most Gracious ILites,

Just now posted a happy example in the Emotional Needs category. This is a real life example and whatever I have said there is truth (of course subject to embellishments to protect the privacy of the persons involved) though I have not all the truth.

Priya's case cannot be taken as an example. For that matter nobody's case can be taken as an example nor any person be taken as a rolemodel. Every life, every person is so uniquely made that each one of us to have to solve the problem in our own way and live our live in our own style.

Anxiously waiting for your comments,
sridhar

Dear ILites,

Somebody complained that threads like these should not be propogated or published as they may plant some ideas in the minds of men and women. I have posted a reverse example to compensate for this thread. It is not a happy reading but reading it gives an insight into the need for the institution of marriage.

regards,
Varalotti