Amirtham, The Mother of all Mothers in Law

Amirtham got married in the year 1940 when she was a fifteen year old girl. In those days that was the right age for girls to get married,thought the society at large.
Amirtham’s father was a Government employee and she was the eldest of four children two sons and two daughters.The youngest daughter was to arrive many years later.Amirtham’s father doted on her,she was her father’s pet no doubt, much to the indignation of the younger sister.Amirtham was very fair,small made with a lovely face.She had abundant hair.It took her mother long time to comb and plait her hair ,her mother would fold the plait and secure it tightly so that the plait won’t touch the floor.Amirtham was not fond of dong any household work,particularly cleaning the floor after everybody finished eating was a chore she simply disliked. The family would sit down on the floor to eat.Mother would serve them food on their plates.The younger daughter,Vanaja would tell her mother,”Amma today,Amirtham has to wash all the plates and clean the floor.I will not do it today”.​

Mother would agree with her younger daughter who was on the darker side and a little plump.She would say,”Amirtham,eat fast and start cleaning the place”Amirtham would listen to this conversation with a small smile on her face and just before anyone got up from their place, Amirtham would get up and run away.They lived in Government quarters,a sprawling bungalow with many verandahs and rooms and even when Amma and Vanaja searched for Amirtham she would not be found.​

Amirtham and her younger sister studied in one of the best Girls’High School in that town.There was a swimming pool in the school The school had engaged a lady instructor to teach the girls swimming,girls were encouraged to join the swimming class and a couple of lady teachers,there were only lady teachers in that school, stood guard over the girls.Amirtham insisted on joining the swimming class much against her mother’s non approval.Her father got her even swimming costumes.When Amirtham went to that class,the teachers tied her hair nicely and covered the hair with a net .Even then, once she started flaying her hands in all directions and started her lessons,the hair would come loose and would spread round her.Amirtham’s face would come up amidst the black hair and girls would stand on the outer edge of the pool just to watch the beautiful sight.Later on Vanaja would remember,”My sister’s face would be like a lotus in the pool.”​

Amirtham attained puberty when she was around thirteen years old and her studies were put a full stop to.Amirtham’s marriage had already been fixed with a relative boy.When her would be in laws learnt that Amirtham had attained puberty,they wrote to Amirtham’s father asking him to stop sending her to school.”It is enough if our daughter in law can write a letter to her husband and be able to read his letters to her.We don’t expect anything more from her”said the in laws.The boy who was going to marry Amirtham was in the final year of graduation and his parents were sure that he would get a Government job.In those days,my dear,if a boy was working for the Government, the prospective brides’ parents would stand in queue before the boy’s house to exchange horoscopes with them.Such was the status given to a safe Government job.Amirtham’a father who also felt the same way,asked his daughter to stop going to school.Amirtham cried before her father,cajoled him, made her teachers come home and persuade her father to send her to school.But no,her father would not risk a good alliance by sending her to school against the wishes of the boy’s parents.​

Amirtham’s would be husband got a government job and married Amirtham,the marriage was a grand affair.Thus Amirthamentered her husband’s home as the eldest daughter in law.Amirtham’s husband,we will call him Gopalan from now on, was the eldest of five children,two brothers and two sisters to get married.His father was a retired Government servant,his mother was an asthma patient and was in bed all the time,Amirtham entered the kitchen and came out of it only to sleep.
It appeared that the family was waiting for the daughter in law to take on the role of a cook cum maid.Amirtham got up early in the morning ,cleaned the front yard,drew rangoli,by that time the milkman would come and she would light firewood stove and would start making coffee..She had to bring the coffee in tumblers and give it to her in laws in their places.Her sisters in law who were very attached to her would never budge from their places.Amirtham’s MIL ,as I told you, was in bed all the time.She also had thick,long hair and Amirtham had to wash her MIL’s hair twice a week.She had to take care of her sisters in law as if they were kids.One sister in law was of marriageable age and the other one who was ten years old, was attending school.Her father in law had a fiery temper and his meals had to be served right on time.Amirtham,the petted and pampered girl who was her father’s pet, worked round the clock in her in law’s house.​

Men have their own ways of showing their love and affection for their wives.The ways differ from man to man.While some show their love by buying sarees and jewellery for their wives, some serenade them,talk to them affectionately ,show their love openly.Gopalan never even talked to his wife in the presence of his parents.He would not even call he by name.It was always,”Aei”and Amirtham would rush to his side to attend to his needs.But he loved his wife deeply and showed his love wihtin the four walls of their bedroom in the only way he knew and Amirtham bore children year after year.​

Amirtham and Gopalan had five sons,no daughters.For the first delivery, Amirtham went to her mother’s house ,was taken care of by her parents. Gopalan came to his in laws’ house exactly two months after his son was born to take her home.He said,”There is no one to take care of my elderly parents.”Amirtham left with him without a murmur.
Gopalan’s salary was Rs.120/pm.Six adults and tiny kids had to be fed in that money. All their expenses had to be taken care of.Amirtham never complained .On a festival day Amirtham’s sister in law went to light the lamp in the puja room and the lamp that was lit fell on her saree.The saree caught fire and before anyone would come to her help,she was badly affected,thank God she survived.For the next six months Amirtham had to take care of her sister in law as if she was a child.She had to wipe her body,cover her with a soft cloth,feed her and apply the medicines on her.The doctor who came home to attend to the sister in law said,”You are lucky,Mr.Gopalan to have a wife like this young girl.She is a treasure, please do take care of her.”Gopalan’s expression never changed.​

The delivery of the other children took place in her in laws’ house only because they wanted Amirtham to resume her wifely duties as soon as possible.Amirtham never complained,never raised her voice on anyone and the calm expression on her face never changed.
The boys grew up.The elderly in laws passed away,the sisters in law got married and Gopalan got promotions and reached a senior position.Gopalans moved to Chennai.​

Gopalan would sit in the hall on a chair,with a stool in front of him that served as a dining table as a dining table. Amirtham would make crispy dosas in the kitchen ,and bring them one after the other to the hall and would serve him.Gopalan would finish eating one dosa and tell his wife,”Get me half a dosa”Amirtham would go in and bring half a dosa.Then he would tell her,”Bring me a quarter dosa”Amirtham’s expression won’t change.She would bring quarter dosa for him.In this fashion Gopalan would eat atleast a dozen dosas.Many a times I was an observer to this scene which irritated me a lot.Once I told Amirtham,”Akka,why don’t you tell him to sit in the kitchen and eat like others,sothat you don’t have to walk up and down for an hour serving him dosas?”Amirtham would have a smile on her face and she would say,”It is alright.Is it such a big thing to take care of my husband?”​

Slowly, the Lady Fortune smiled on the Gopalans.The sons who did very well in their studies got good jobs one after the other and Gopalan got the senior most position in his office,the pinnacle of his career.Amirtham began to see the other side of life.Her husband bought her heavy silk sarees for festivals like Diwali.Her sons vied with each other and got her silk sarees and jewellery.But my heart still ached for her.Why?Was it because I was jealous of her,no,she was a mother figure to me.I ached because nobody asked her what colour she liked. Gopalan never took her to the shop with him when he bought her sarees or even if anyone took her to the shop,they selected the sarees for her .Her husband and her sons were insensitive to her feelings and never bothered about her likes and dislikes.When Amirtham came out with them richly dressed to attend weddings or functions,she was their status symbol.Thats all.​

Once I was invited by Gopalan and Amirtham to spend Navarathri with them,since they had no daughters.I went to their house.On a particular day we had decided to go to the temple.All of us got ready.Amirtham came out of her room wearing a black silk saree with red border and she was wearing a black blouse and wore pearl ear studs and pearl necklace.Amirtham who was in her late forties, shone like a precious jewel.She was very fair and had a serene face.She had put up her hair in a bun and worn jasmine string in he hair.My God how beautiful was she,I almost got tears in my eyes looking at her.Gopalan took one look at her and said to her,”Why are you wearing this saree.Go and change .Wear the green saree I got you for your birthday”​

Amitham hesitated a little.I knew that she wanted to wear that saree that evening.She said,”Let me wear this”.​

Gopalan’s voice changed,”Iam telling you to change.Go and change”
Amirtham’s face did not change ,she did not lose her composure.Quietly she went inside and came out weaing the green saree that her husband asked her to wear.I felt like throttling this man for being so rude to her.​

Amirtham’s eldest son got married .Rama ,Amirtham’s daughter in law, was a professionally qualifed girl and was working in a MNC.She was tall,slender and was very well groomed.I attended the wedding and stayed back for a couple of weeks in Amirtham’s house to help her tidy up the house and take care of the guests.​

Rama,Amirtham’s daughter in law had taken only a week’s leave for her marriage.Soon it was time for her to go to office.On the day she joined duty after her leave,she came out of her room nicely dressed to go to office.She came to the kitchen where everybody used to sit on the floor and eat, including her husband.Only Gopalan had the privilege of using a stool as a dining table and his wife would dance attendance on him.Rama looked around uneasily,she obviously did not want to sit on the floor,her beautiful organdi saree would get crumpld.She looked at her mother in law and pleaded,”Can I also sit in the hall and eat keeping my plate on the stool?”​

Amirtham did not answer her.Instead she called out to her son,Rama’s husband who was getting ready for office.We were excited.Honestly I too thought that Amirtham would complain to her son that his new bride wanted to sit in the hall and eat like a queen.What did she think of herself?We waited for some firework.Amirtham’s son,Raghu came and his mother told him,”Raghu.go to the upstairs room where I have kept lot of unwanted things.There is an old writing table kept there.Dust it carefully and bring it here.Rama can not sit on the floor and eat.Look at her ,she is wearing a beautiful saree,it will get crumpled”She said to her other son,Murali,”Help Raghu bring the table.Be quick otherwise Rama will be late for office”
She looked at Rama and smiled,”I will get a dining table soon,my dear.For the present use this old table”​

We were stunned.Rama got tears in her eyes.Rama had observed the other family members trampling on Amirtham and was almost rude to her by not talking to her properly or answering her questions.Once she saw her MIL in action her attitude towards her changed completely.​

Rama was not used to doing household work,she would not even cut veggies,but Amirtham never complained.When people pointed out this to her she said,”Well, when she becomes a mother, responsibilities would come and sit on her head.Let her relax now.”
Gopalan could not understand his wife’s attitude towards her DIL.”You are spoiling her”said he,”No Iam being kind to her”said Amirtham.​

One fine day, Rama, who could not put up with the boorish attitude of her FIL who questioned all her actions left the joint family and set up her home, her husband following her like a lamb.Gopalan fretted and fumed,Amirtham took it in her stride,went with her DIL to her new home,lit the lamp,did puja and helped her settle down.​

All of Amirtham’s sons got married one after the other.
Amirtham’s second daughter in law Gowri was a very talkative person,full of zest for life.Many years passed but God denied her motherhood.Friends and relatives would tell Amirtham,”Why don’t you tell your DIL to take treatment.Nowadays people getting treatment to conceive has become so common.Why are you keeping quiet?”​

Amirtham replied them,”My DIL is an educated girl,an intelligent girl.She has a mind of her own.She knows and my son knows when or whether they should go for treatment.If God is merciful, they will be blessed with a child or she will be his child and he will be her child.”​

People were amazed to hear this from Amirtham and many of them thought that she was mad.​

Amirtham’s third and fourth sons got married to girls who were also working women. They both stayed in the joint family with their mother in law , father in law , their brothers in law and their families.They did not have to worry about the running of the home,they did not have to bother about purchasing goods for the house,when they had children, they could continue to work without worrying about their children.They were safe and were taken care of by Amirtham and Gowri.​

“You are mad.These children of yours are taking you for a ride”so would yell Gopalan ,who had aged by this time and was totally dependent on Amirtham for everything.​

“What are parents for if they can’t help their children?”would be Amirtham’s answer.​

Amirtham’s youngest son who went to Germany to pursue his studies, got a good job there.He met a German girl, liked her and waned to marry her.He wrote to his parents telling them that he wanted to marry this girl
Gopalan became furious when he read his son’s letter.He could not digest the news that his son was going to marry a woman of another nationality and religion.Amirtham was also very sad and cried for a while.Then she wiped her face and went about her work in a calm manner.
Gopalan called her and said,”Iam going to write to my son that if he marries that girl,I will severe all relations with him and that he should not even attend my funeral.Now what do you want me to write on your behalf?”He questioned her.
“Give them my blessings and tell him to take good care of his wife”said Amirtham Gopalan looked at her in disgust.​

Gowri had not conceived and Amirtham took her under her wings like a mother hen.She would not allow anyone to ask her about not having a child of her own.When she attended Bangle ceremony and other ceremonies connected with a girl’s pregnancy ,she would accompany Gowri and sit next to her holding her hand tightly.In the South there are some superstitions that if a girl who had not conceived wears the saree worn by the girl whose bangle ceremony had just then taken place,she would conceive.They made the girl who had not conceived to eat the channa that was kept below the babies cot.No one understands the pain suffered by the girl.But Amirtham understood,she was not going to allow her DIL to be subjected to this ordeal.She would tell anyone who made such a suggestion that she did not want her DIL to go through such rituals.
“Those girls who have given birth to their kids must be having one or two kids at the most.But, my Gowri is the mother of eight children,She is a ‘samsari’”Amirtham would proudly tell her relatives and friends.Yes,Amirtham’s eldest son had a daughter and a son.Her third and fourth sons had two daughters each and her youngest son had two sons.Time was running, no, flying fast.​

Gowri mothered her brothers in laws’ children as her own and Amirtham was to a certain extent responsible for it.She saw to it that Gowri was not looked down upon by anyone just because she did not have a child of her own.She would ask Gowri in the presenc of all the members of the family ,”Gowri,what shall we make for lunch today?”
“Gowri,What present shall we buy for Kannan uncle’s son’s wedding?”
When her grand children cam running to her with any request, she would send them to Gowri Amma,.
“Ask Gowri amma,she would plait your hair.Gowri amma will give you tiffin.”​

Gowri was the one who bathed the kids,fed them food.took them to school and brought them back.She supervised their homework and chastised them if any of them got low marks.​

The mothers of the kids understood what was happening,They were mothers ,they knew the pain that God inflicted on Gowri, for no fault of hers.They were kindhearted souls and they never interfered between Gowri and the children whom she loved deeply.
There was no vacuum in Gowri’s life thanks to the innocent children who saw a wonderful mother in her and Amirtham who was the guiding force in that family.​

It was ashada month,newmoon day and a friday , an auspicious day for the south Indian brahmins.Amirtham, who had turned seventy by this time,got up in the early morning as usual.She brushed her teeth,washed her face, put a big round pottu on her face that was her trade mark pottu,in kumkumam.She sat on the sofa in their bedroom.Suddenly she felt tired ,which was unusual, because normally,once she woke up in the morning, Amirtham would be up and about like an ant,even at that age.​

She called out to Gowri in a meek voice.Gowri came running.​

“Gowri,will you get me a cup of coffee?”asked Amirtham.​

“Yes,amma”Gowri rushed to the kitchen.She was bewildered.In all these years he MIL had never asked her to fetch anything for her.If she wanted anything she would go and take it herself.​

“Amma is looking unusually tired”thought Gowri and took the coffee to her MIL and also woke up the others in the house.Amirtham took a few sips of the coffee,gave the cup to Gowri and smiled at her, as if she thanked her for the coffee.That serene, beautiful smile on her face remained on her lovely face till she was taken to the crematorium.​

Gopalan sat by his wife’s side with a blank expression on his face.He could not believe that the woman who entered his life as his wife and would later on nurture him and had become his mother, would no more be with him.He was lost to the world .(He survived his wife for a couple of months and passed away peacefully in his sleep).
Amirtham’s sons cried,her daughters in law wept and kept asking her questions even though they knew that their MIL’s soul had left her body and she would not be listening to them at all.​

‘Amma,how can you do this to us,how can you leave us just like that ?What will we do without you?”Rama wept her heart out holding her mother in law’s hands.​

“Amma,did I do anything wrong?Why have you punished me like this?”cried Gowri.
Amirtham’s youngest son flew down with his wife after a day or two..His wife was distraught.
“Amma said that she would come to my house one day.She said that she would teach me South Indian cooking” She broke down saying,”Amma never kept at her word.She would never come to my house.”​

Any person, who did not kbnow the family would have mistaken the daughters in law as Amirtham’s daughter.One could see that their attachment to their MIL was very genuine.​

‘AMIRTHAM’ the new independent bungalow bought by the brothers and christened by them in their mother’s name was decorated in a grand manner that day.A big rangoli in colours decorated the front yard.Plantain trees adorned both the sides of the gate.Strings of mango leaves and flowers were hung from all corners.In the huge hall, the grandsons and grand daughters had put up balloons and festoons.The daughters in law who were past their middle age were busy in the kitchen and in taking care of the guests.​

Rama was handing over thambhoolam bag with a saree and blouse piece in it to every lady present there. ​

One lady who was new to the neighbourhood asked her,”Is today your mother in law’s srartham day?”​

“No,mami”said Rama with a sweet smile on her face.”Today is my mother in law’s birth day.We daughters in law celebrate this day as Mother in Law DayOur mother in law was a great soul.She taught us by her example, how a mother in law should treat her daughter in law.In all these years she never raised her voice on any one of us,she never sat in judgenment on us.She accepted each and every one of her daughter in law, with all her plus and minus points.There are sons in our family.We are looking forward to the days our daughters in law would enter our house.We will try to be like our mother in law,mami.I don’t know, if we will have her patience and tolerance,but we will try”.Rama’s voice choked with emotion.​

The lady who was a cynic turned to Gowri and asked her,”You,what will you do?”implying that she had no children to speak of.Before Gowri could answer her,they heard a loud voice.
“Amma!”Sridhar thundered aloud and came and stood in front of Gowri.”Amma,where is my jeans?It is missing from my cubboard and I know that you have taken it”He was so emotional.
“Yes,I put it for wash.Wear some other nice pant.You act as if you possess only that pair of jeans.”Gowri replied him in a cool manner.​

“Amma,I have told you thousand times not to touch my clothes.You won’t listen.Iam going to lock my room”​

Sridhar,Rama’s eldest son,brought up with great care by Gowri, thundered out,not that Gowri minded.She knew that he would come to her tomorrow,”Amma,my friends are coming home today.Will you make ‘vellaiyappam’for us?”he would plead.Well Gowri would do anything for her children.​

All the while the lady ,who asked Gowri that silly question was watching this scene with amazement written all over her face and Rama was looking at her grinning from ear to ear.​

“Well yours is an unique family”said that woman and left.​

“Yes,ours is a unique family.Because we had an unique mother in law who was and will always be the mother in law of all mothers in law”said Rama her eyes brimming with unshed tears and the others nodding their heads in approval.​

Amirtham, The Mother of all mothers in law was looking down at them, from a life size photo that hung in the wall, with that beautiful smile that lighted up her face and their entire household..​

.​

 

My dear Usha,
Thank you dear,for your wonderful comment.
Yes,Usha,those days many Amirthams and many Gopalans lived.Those Amirthams were unsung heroines.We can keep writing about them.Thy sacrificed a lot even without realising that they were sacricing their youth,their dreams and their likes,dislikes.They were like candles which give light, burning themselves.
Iam happy yu liked the story.
love
mithila ma

 

My dear dear Malathi,
Thank you for taking the time to read my blog and your lively comment.
Dar Malathi,I had to bear a lot of pain but luckily I was very young and God gave me a mind that was like a mirror and reflected the harsh words that were thrown at me and I did not even know to what extent I suffered.But God took away that mind setup and now late at this age,I go back in years sometimes and feel very sad for the innocent,ignorant young girl who had to suffer.
I can understand you ,put myself in your position and appreciate you for the patience being exhibited by you and your faith in HIM.
I feel very happy that I don't have a son.I don't know what kind of a MIL I would have been to my DIL had I been blessed with one.
I honestly feel that a mother who is overpossessive about her son and a son who considers his mother the be all and end all of his life should not disturb their apple cart.The son should not get married at all and hurt a girl who enters his life as his partner and who has dreams of living a happy life with him.
In this story Amirtham suffered a lot at her young age as the wife of a boorish man and uncaring in laws.So she resolved that she would not be such a MIL.
Not many MILs do that.The MIL who had tough days as a new bride remembers the pain that she had to bear silently.The pain remains in her,dormant.So when her DIL enters her son's life and he treats her with kindness and she gets the freedom which she never got,she fumes."How can this girl enjoy the peace that I was denied?"
Hence the tough days for the DIL and the rough days for th MIL, because in her heart of hearts she must be feeling guilty for what she is up to.
love
mithila kannan

 

My dear pinkangel.You are really an angel.You have made my day with that hearty comment that has lifted up my spirits.
Thanks a lot.
love
mithila kannan

 

My dear Raji,
Thank you ,dear for your hearty fb.Hats off to your 'dadi'.They were great humanbeings.
love
mithila kannan