A Sense of Belonging

Grandma’s definition of LOVE as she knew it meant belonging totally to the person , in every sense, ,emotional and physical besides accepting wholeheartedly all objects that came into this orbit, be it pleasant or unpleasant . I never knew the meaning of this word or the depth of feeling attached to this till I became a wife and mother and mistress of my own home.
My childhood memories are my favourite memories of summer vacations in Kerala in our sprawling ancestral home from the time I can remember , way back as a seven year old little girl. Those sun filled happy days of romping around the vast garden , climbing the mango trees plucking the warm golden fruit and sinking my teeth into the luscious depths and licking the delectable juice as it flowed down my hands .
The annual visits with my two elder siblings, ten year old elder sister Maya, and twelve year old elder brother Ravi were uninterrupted till I entered class 10 at school. In fact I visited my grandparents on two consecutive years all by my self as my sister and brother had to stay back at Bangalore to attend coaching classes for the public exams each had to appear for .Father and mother were very strict about that and I was packed off so as not to distract them.
I never really knew Grandpa , as he was ensconced in his room all the time due to his ill health. Grandpa and Grandma lived alone in the big house. By alone, I mean none of their children stayed with them.
Uncle Prem was in USA, Aunty Malathy in Indore and my father the youngest of the three was stationed in Bangalore. Both mother and father were doctors and had their own Nursing Home and medical practices there.
Well, actually except for their children not being with them, my grandparents had their own little Durbar that comprised their dog Leo the Labrador , their jolly cook Devakiamma, and her husband Chinnan and nephew Kuttan who did all the odd jobs around there. Chinnan also doubled up as chauffeur and took us around in the ancient Ambassador car on our outings around Trichur town.
Grandpa had been a luminary in the legal profession and retired as Chief Justice. His hey days were over by the time I appeared on the scene, so that is why I have to say sadly that I hardly knew Grandpa. For me, Grandma was all I knew as far as Grandparents went as my maternal Grandparents had long departed for their heavenly abode.
I was Grandma’s pet , being the youngest of her little brood of grandchildren. Aunty Malathy’s children, my twin cousin brothers nine year old Arjun and Vikram most often joined us for summer holidays . Our cousins in the USA were not very regular as their holidays did not coincide with ours and they always came down during the Christmas holidays for fleeting visits lasting just a fortnight so I can honestly claim that I was Grandma’s favourite .
She loved to comb my hair and took pains to brew the special coconut hair oil with hibiscus leaves for me. My sister Maya kept her hair short and had no time for all the oiling sessions .Devakiamma always packed the hair oil for me when I left for Bangalore saying “Tara kutty , make sure you follow Ammamma’s instructions and use it”
I always remember Grandma going about her daily household chores chanting slokas and humming to herself as she moved about from kitchen to other areas setting things in order.She was dressed in cool cotton Mundu and Neriyadhu the traditional Kerala attire , especially of elderly ladies like herself .I have only seen photographs of her dressed in sarees and blouses with puffed sleeves in her younger daysHer curly grey hair was always tied neatly in a bun except in the early mornings after her bath when she let it lose and it stayed at waist length.Her forehead was replendent with the sandal paste and kumkum after her morning prayers.There was always a fragrance of sandal and camphor around her.I loved to play with her hair and subject her to my own versions of hairstyles .I remember tying ribbons on her hair and rubbing her cheeks and lips with pieces of beetroot ( donated by kind Devakiamma from the kitchen) to make them dark pink …a substitute for lipstick and the way we laughed till Grandpa’s call “ Padma hurry up and come here” made us stop our little girl games.
I hated these interruptions from Grandpa which were incessant .Poor grandma, she was patience personified .I had never seen her angry at any time except once when my brother Ravi and my twin cousins had a fight one afternoon just outside Grandpas room .It was a terribly noisy brawl and she was most upset.
Grandpas illness made him confined to his room and I remember Father saying it had something to do with his spine and except for alleviating the pain , there was no cure.Father and mother , both doctors tried everything they could to get him the best treatment and some surgeries were performed.Once they even took him all the way to Chennai and Vellore.But there was no hope, was the final verdict.
We children went to his room only accompanied by Grandma.When he was in a better frame of mind , he would smile at us and ask a few questions and that was all.I remember him, his gaunt face crowned by wispy white hair and his wasted arms as he held out a hand to clasp our little hands as we trooped in .Leo alone often went in and lay under his bed during the afternoons for his siesta. That was the only time he was allowed to visit Grandpa whom he doted on. They had spent a good many happy years together on long walks.
When he was in pain , his ill temper would be vented on poor Grandma who put up a stoic front. She was always alert to the slightest sound from his room and his hoarse cry of “Padma” would bring her scurrying to his room .Father got a calling bell fixed for him with a wire extending to his bedside , but he always forgot to ring and continued to call for her .So Kuttan the errand boy was given duty hours to sit by Grandpas bedroom and come and get Grandma when ever he needed her.
Grandma was an object of great sympathy with us and we wondered how she bore with Grandpas demands and his bad temper. But she never stopped smiling and regaling us kids with bedtime stories and anecdotes from fathers childhood years which we loved to hear over and over again.
We, children were all rather afraid of Grandpa and avoided going in to his room especially after we were witness to a rather unpleasant scene when he threw the mug of Horlicks at Grandma because she had reduced the amount of sugar in it according to the doctors orders .Grandma emerged from the room looking harrased, mug in hand , with her drenched clothes but never uttered a word in reply , only chanted a sloka !
She never let any of it get her down or spoil things for us and as usual immersed herself in churning out delicious snacks and excellent dishes at all meal times ably assisted by the jovial Devakiamma.This made us all feel awfully guilty when the time of departure arrived and somehow we all felt we were abandoning her.
I shall always remember the forlorn picture she presented as she stood by the gate after we hugged and said our tearful goodbyes, a small figure waving to us as the car sped away to the railway station.
The years rolled on. Grandpas death was as unreal to me as his life had been. I can still remember the shrill ring of the telephone that cold December night as Father picked it up and spoke in a muffled tone.After he had finished he turned grim faced to mother and said in a choking voice, “That was Chinnan's call .Bad news Sumi, Father has left us…I shall leave soon and bring Amma back here….how can she live alone there? Meanwhile connect me to Prem and Malathy, they have to be informed .Hope Prem can make it on time.”
Father returned after several days after attending all the ceremonies, but he did not succeed in bringing Grandma with him .No amount of coaxing would change her mind. Grandma refused to shift to Malathy aunty’s place and ofcourse going to USA to live with Uncle Prem was just not possible.Father made sure that other distant relatives would visit often and enquire about her welfare and then ofcourse the devoted Devakiamma and Chinnan and Kuttan were there too.
And I thought that Grandma would be free to do as she wished, no harassment, no worrying about Grandpas ill temper tantrums.She would be a free bird after all those years of an invisible bondage.
I made a short trip in summer as I had to make preparations to leave for higher studies to UK on a scholarship and I wanted to say goodbye and seek her blessings..Grandma seemed anything but happy.It was as if the vitality or the will to live had been sapped away from her.She would often be found sitting in Grandpas room which was left as he had left it.His four poster bed with the frilly mosquito net was still there as if waiting for him to come and sleep on it.His chair was as usual by the window from where he looked out at us kids at play .Grandma seemed always lost in thought as if frozen in time, even the faded curtains had not been changed since long That was a sad summer vacation for us , the sun seemed to have hidden behind clouds and the laughter that used to ring around there when we were kids running around having long vanished giving way to long ominous silences.Even good old Leo hardly had reason to wag his tail.
The day before I left I set out in a determined way to extricate Grandma from the web into which she had willingly allowed herself to be trapped .She had been living life in the sepia toned photographs of her old albums.With the impatience of youth that could not tolerate her attitude to the world she had decided to live the rest of her life.I questioned her heartlessly, “ Grandma how long are you going to stay here by yourself? Why don’t you lock up this place, the servants can maintain it, and why don’t you come over to Bangalore and stay with us? We can take Leo there too. Come live with us who love you very much.You will have more diversions there.We have to worry more about you now and we are all leading busy lives and we’ll be less stressed if we know that you are with us so that we can attend to your needs .It is difficult for Father to travel often here to see you “.
Grandma was silent for a minute after my outburst and then she sighed and said to me, “Tara , I appreciate your concern and I know you all mean well, But , dear child this is my home .Why should I go to a strange place?”
“ Strange place? Grandma, you are talking about your own son’s home as a strange place!!”I retorted angrily.
“Yes Tara. I know I’ll be welcomed by my son and your mother too , but I’ll always be a guest there and I will not belong ! This house is where your Grandpa and I belong”.
“ Grandpa , grandpa always, why don’t you understand Grandma, you need to have your own life now, Haven’t you spent the best years ministering to him?”
“Yes dear child I did my wifely duties sincerely.You are too young to understand. But to me , this house and your grandpa was all I had, once the children left home. He was the only person who was mine .”
I just could not digest that and asked “ What about Uncle Prem, Malathy Aunty and my Dadf?’They are not your own? “
She replied slowly in a very resigned tone , “ One has children , but they grow up and become someone elses when they find their own partners. And there’s nothing wrong in that, That’s the way of the world. It is not that the love for children or their love for parents become less .The bonds of love take on a different pattern.It is an universal law And my dear child, I’ll be just as alone in any of your homes . At least here I will feel close to him in all the familiar surroundings and the people who have been with us all these years .I cannot desert them either.We all belong here together”.
That was her final word and I left disheartened and resentful at Grandmas attitude.
I left for UK three weeks later.It was during the third year after I had landed myself a well paying job that I met Tony who was Irish , at a common friends New Year Party. We hit it off well and after a whirlwind courtship decided to get married. It was a simple church wedding. My parents and elder brother arrived a week earlier from India.and my elder sister Maya just flew in for the ceremony and rushed back to New York where she was working as an Attorney.It was a very happy family reunion as Uncle Prem and family also made it .We remembered Grandma .She had sent beautiful wedding gifts .One of her own traditional Kerala jewellery sets and a lovely rich brocade saree in beetroot pink and gold ! I wore it for the dinner party after wards.
I kept in touch with Grandma through letters and a few phone calls.She was not comfortable on the phone as her hearing was getting faint .I sent her several pictures after my little girl Tanya was born .Slowly her replies became few and far between .The last letter conveyed the sad news of the passing away of dear devoted Leo who was the pet of that household where even the domestics doted on him.I knew she had not long to go and dreaded the fact that it would be long before I could make a trip to Kerala and I wondered if I would ever see her.I wanted Tony to meet her.Till now their only means of communication was the telephone and the pictures we used to send her.
One winters day as we drove home from work after picking up Tanya from day care, I was surprised to see my father’s number flashing on my cell phone .Tony was driving and I answered Dad who gave me the sad news of Grandmas passing away .
No , she was not ill or hospitalized .She left silently in her sleep where old faithful Devakiamma found her in bed that morning.
I was devastated and tears began streaming down my cheeks as I sobbed uncontrollably and told Tony that Grandma was no more. Tony stopped the car and gathered me in his arms .In the midst of that grief it was as if a warm blanket of assurance and security had enveloped me. As I lay there I understood the meaning of Grandmas words.and what she meant when she said that Grandpa was hers alone .I looked at Tanya,asleep and strapped onto her little her car seat and I knew that one day she would leave my orbit and only we, Tony and I would be there for each other. Her words echoed in my mind…..” that’s the way of the world, it is an universal law.”.I found consolation in the fact that she had finally gone to be with the one she belonged to.

 

AC dearie,:hiya

That was one super FB that swept me off my feet !!

THAAAAAAAAAAAAANK UUUUUUUUUUUUU ever so much!:bowdown:bowdown:bowdown

I wrote something like this years ago and made some changes now and Zapped it in here.....additions after becoming a grandma and getting on in years and changing my views ever so often on the way the earth turns around on its axis!
Very happy to see your words of appreciation.......shall be cherished always !