Junkie speaks...........

Its 11 pm here and I am just sitting in my living room watching the repeat of ellen de'generous ( my all time favourite) and was thinking some people are good in real life or just a television which is making them so good. And then I look at myself. Almost 30 years and I have not done anything good for others. Hmmmm that doesnt mean that I am a bad person. I am just making different choices.

Oh by the way if you are wondering I am junkie junkie like a JUNKIE, then you are at a wrong place. I am a self junkie. I absolutely love myself. I think I am preety, hot and kind girl. Everybody loves me. Most of them are dying without me. I have 600 Facebook friends because they are just so much jealous of me that they want to know whats happening in my life.I am self obsessed and I deserve it.

I wash my face like million times in a day. Then look at every big pore on my face, thinks they will close one day. Then I look at my big uneven teeths hoping one day my dentist will pull them out and replace with new even normal size white shiny ones. I look at my hairy body thinking which day is good to bleach or wax them off.I look at my huge belly and a c-section scar, thinking it will shrink back to what I use to be and one day I will wear my bikini.... Well, high hopes.

I am so obsessed with myself that in future if you still end up reading my posts all you will hear about my amazing life. I remember most of it.I swear. I remember my sister telling me that I am adopted because my parents and she herself was fair skin and I was not. I remember my uncle son trying to grope me in my house in my room when everybody were sitting outside and having tea. I remember I started working in my father PCO and use to get pocket money for ironing my mothers clothes. I remember dumping so many good friends thinking they love me too much.I remember when some boys dumped me and I dumped some.I remember when a stalker shot my only best friend from school.I remember when I chose my boyfriend instead of my parents. I remember marrying my husband. I remember birth of my beautiful son, I remember my husband cheating on me. I am sure I will remember all my coming days as well. Stay tuned.

Love

 

Re: Junkie speaks...........(1)

Running around in the street all afternoon and evening is what we cherish all our life. Those steeling chalks from school and writing things on neighbours doors or walls,running after street dogs,dancing crazy in rains, hide and seek. No wonder those were the best days.

I was in 6th standard when I had my first crush( I still blush for that one). He was my bench mate. Ya, we were made sit with a boy to teach us that everyone is same. He also liked me, I guess. He use to bring the cool stickers for me, I dont know from where. He use to sharp my pencils all the time and gifted me the very first pen of my life. His name was Amit. There were like 7 boys in my class with "Amit" name. It was like a name of the generation.

While I was in love, kind of, and was dreaming about a wonderful beautiful future of us together, my father was struggling to keep up his tourism business in the city. He had to fire all his employees. Too much competition. He even opened a PCO to support the family. From amazing life we were moving to a little less amazing life.I use to help my father in the PCO during evenings with doing my homework beside the telephones. He use to go home for a very quick dinner break and then he will come back by 11/1130 pm. Everyday. Like literally everyday.I wanted Amit to be like my father. Loving husband and funny and responsible father. It was the PCO where someone put his hand under my skirt. Although I had no idea what was that for, but since I didnot know him I decided to keep my away with a knife in his thighs.

He was a young boy who came to make a call. He was talking very slowly when I entered the shop to relieve my father for dinner with some books in my hand. My father left. This boy finished his call and started talking to me abouy my school, friends and air to water to music, everything. During this conversation he started slipping his hand in my skirt. First I didnot say anything but then I realised his hand is just trying to grab me in my private parts. I tried to move his hand but it got stronger and faster. I picked up the paper cutter next to me and dig it in his thighs. I knew deep down that I am in trouble. I thought that he will die or tell my father or he will make the floor dirty and then I will have to clean it. But suddenly, before he would react we had another customer family so the guy threw 100 rupees, way more then he was suppose to pay and left running.

Never saw him again, never talked about him to anyone and NEVER stopped working late evenings.

 

They say a you can see the smile, the innocence, the fear in the eyes. Yes, you can. But what happens when someone is very very good in just covering the truth in the eyes. I was the one. I was very good at that. The incident have just made me a stronger person or should I say a stronger 11 year old. I thought this is gone, I just had one monster in my life who taught me how to be strong and fight. But that wasnt it. The very next day, when I was still processing the PCO incident, there was someone else as well who was planning to harm me. My uncle's son.

His name was asshole Praveen"bhaiya". He use to stay right across our street and had a sister who was in my class. We were not friends though. Why? Because she was fat and not intelligent. It was Sunday evening when the whole neighbour family bumped into my parents and suddenly decided that they should have tea at our place. My elder sister was learning how to make tea those days. So my mother, didnt want to miss the chance of showcasing her daughter art. And here they were, at our house in our living room discussing schools and studies. I never have been an active person during the elderly conversation, so I decided to go to my room and watch TV when praveen"bhaiya" walked in and sat next to me. I didnt really mind him sitting next to me because he was always like that, but he didnt wasted anytime when he strongly grabbed me from my waist with one hand and another hand inside my vagina.I pushed him away and went outside to sit with my parents.

He was the first man in my life who had a feeling of my vagina.I had no idea what he was about to do next but it definately didnt pleased me. He still came to my house but I never gave him the space when he could try anything else.

Two men in one weekend made me the stronger person. After that day I had only thought about myself. But does that mean I stopped loving my parents, NO. Does that mean I stopped dreaming about Amit, No. I just became a little selfish, insecured person. Amit tried to ask me since then and for a whole week if everything is fine, but this bachpan ka pyaar had to stop. I did not wanted to be responsible for someones heart.I didnot wanted to be in love anymore.I knew that it was just a, kids love but not anymore.I realised I have to fight every single day to make sure that I have to happy and strong and alone. AMIT was still my batchmate for next 2 years but we never talked apart from "EXCUSE ME, SIDE HOJA"

 

After the cute little innocense was over, here I am the selfish bitch.I knew what I want and it was definately not security. I wanted to fly, inwanted to do everything which I havent seen anyone in my family or friends doing. I just wanted to enjoy life, whatever it takes. And I knew somehow being there in the same school, same neighbourhood will not let me do it. I could not change any of it but I desperately needed a change. So I changed my friends. For first few months I literally had no friend. I didnt talk to anyone.
And then I bumped into a girl who was there in my class, my section but somehow we never talked. Her name was kirti. She was apparently of same height like me and we always stand in a queue height wise, so I kind of knew her. One day she just smiled at me and that very second we just became friends of a lifetime. Hell yeah, this is the friend I was looking for all my life. Fun, average studies, and least bithered about her future. We just connected.
My parents were glad to see me finally with a friend. She was living very far from our house and those were the days when having a landline was a Richies thing and lets not talk about having a mobile phones. But we still use to sometime hang out at each other place on weekends or holidays. Sleep-overs was our favourite. Although our parents never met and they never showed any wish to meet as well.
Amit was still there in my classroom few benches away with his new friend and we sometimes just look each other for few seconds and never talked.but I was happy forgetting everything and focusing on my happy present. Oh by the way, I was about to hit puberty and experience my first ever bloody show down there. disgusting.Right? I had no idea whats happening. My mom never talked about it. But I remember when my mom suddenly ask to stop everything and go on my cycle to buy her kotex every now and then. I always thought those were for breasts. They always fancied me. I was looking forward to use them on mine as well, whenever I get those. But sometimes, you should not look forward to things. Well, i am still stuck with those pads now. I should not have wished it.

 

The monster inside me is awake now, and people call it Teens.

What happens during these years makes or destroys you as a person, as a family,as a human being. These were my mom saying. She kept on saying this till I finished my college, like every single day.Now I know she was right but you know I was a teenager then. I was not suppose to agree on anything my parents are saying,I was not suppose to follow the instructions society wanted me to follow being a young girl.

Despite getting loads of warning from everyone around about girls should not become friendly with boys, here I was in a boys gang with my only girlfriend kirti. We were now total of 8 kids including me and kirti being the only girl. I was fearless. My parents hated every single of them and now they hate kirti also, blaming her to push me towards this. And her parents thought the other way around that I was the one who took kirti towards boys. And finally our parents decided to meet. For what, to discuss " how to keep us apart". We both were there sitting in our living room with our parents sipping tea and when kirti's father announced that ee both should not be talking to each other and stay away.he even went straight to our accounts tutor and changed her tution timings.

Somethings can never change and sometimes you should not even try. Kirti got a new kinatic Honda as a birthday gift so she dont have to wait at my house after tution for someone to come and pick her up. Smart idea, I must say. It just opened our wings. Our parents had no idea that we are still friends, and I should not but I have to laugh on this that how could you just one day come and say that we cant be friends anymore. We are friends from last 3 years. Ya agree, we were not hanging out with bunch of boys but still atleast we were not hooked up with any of them YET.

 

I can fly and feel my wings. I can fly and see the stars. I can fly and feel like a bird.

I am now in 11th class or you can say high school and studies are definately not on my mind. That doesnt mean I want to do nothing in my life and fail the exams or even bad numbers. This just means that I dont want to waste too much time and energy to study when its not needed. I have now a motto which says study when you have exams or else enjoy.

We as a group of friends( remember which included only me and kirti as girls and rest 6 boys) decided to start bunking school every week. Just once a week so nobody really bother our parents informing about it and nor bother us asking for stupid explanations.

Our school was I middle of no where or should I say in middle of fields. We all will hop on the school bus but dont enter the school. Just run away to the far, far near the railway track. Sit under a huge tree and just talk and laugh and play. We even will to the farmers and help them in their work. Everyone knew us.

Although Kirti And me were best friends we never sat together in the classroom. I will sit my so called cousin or should I say self claimed cousin,Rahul. Honestly, our parents doesn't know each other but he says and still does that he is my cousins-cousins-cousins. Tall, dark, handsome and hot guy sitting next to me all the time and even part of our group made lot of girls jealous. Many girls even just make faces when they see us together but we were always like cousins. GiRls, I tell you.

In the middle of the term, we had another addition to our class, his army father got transferred to our city.it was a sunny day when me and kirti standing at the end of the girls line during morning prayer and chatting slowly about what teacher has come and which one has not. Rahul and our other group friends were standing at the end of boys line discussing I dont know may be skirts and legs where a lean athlete bbody, tall, wheatish complexation, stood at the end of the boys line. Everyone just looked at him thinking who is this new boy, and I kept staring at him thinking WHO IS THIS NEW BOY?