The Phoenix in Me

The Phoenix in Me

Today is my Marriage.
The day My dad and Mom prepared for since I was born. There is loud music,loads of people, lights all around and over from my house to the street ,happy faces all around me and before me. I look down and see my mehndi clad hands from the day before ,women eagerly stare at it to see my spouse’s love in depth. The mehndi and the red bangles I wear adorn my hands so beautifully that the real beauty of my hand is covered deep under in no sight at all .The chains and ornaments I wear to keep my Dad and Mom’s prestige covers me from top to waist making sure am made of Gold and no one see the human soul in me behind the gold. My beautiful hair is clad up top in style but covered in cloth of red and gold embroidery .
My mother ,sisters ,aunts makeup artists all make sure I look my best ,many crowded around me just to take a glimpse of the beautiful bride in me ,I wondered if I ever knew so many people in all my life.

All is done and I am dressed in my bridal attire yet to see myself .My Dad looks at me with a teary eye and my Mom is overwhelmed and cry, as they both see their dream in front of them alive.

What is so beautiful about a bride I wondered? . I took a look in the mirror and saw me stumble. OH ! Beautiful ! indeed ,when I looked at the bridal dress , the ornaments ,the gold,all shining bright that I had a momentary blindsight . But Where am I ? I looked at my eyes and thats all I recognise. What is this bridal beauty,I wondered, where the bride is so unrecognisable ? People wowed me,praised me ,congratulated me .Beautiful,simply Beautiful! they exclaimed. I guessed ‘Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder’ . But I could not see me,the real ME.

The saath phere is done and my Mr Right is here to stay with me for my 7 births inline. My mother cried ,my brothers & sisters cried,my father waved me Goodbye with a teary eye . Stepping into the car with my Mr. Right ,I turned back to look at my childhood home and bid goodbye . My mind was cold and screaming aloud in me, asking me -”Why do I leave my childhood home , my family and all along, for a stranger know to me , just a while ago.”

Married now and I see that the reality is here to stay, no bollywood songs & dances to lift my drowning days. Where are the crowded people who danced at my wedding I wondered ? Where are the hundred people who wished me good & left ?
They say this is my house ,but why is it so ,that I feel a stranger at my house? Pushed away and crushed away ,silenced and controlled. Beaten black & blue they tame me , domesticate me ,my soul cries in a cage so tight. I thought why am I so unwanted in my so called ,home. I spend days and months thinking and wondering how my parents dreamed all their life to give me a marriage which took away my life. I blamed myself and blamed the world and never lifted my voice in fear of shame in “society”. I silently thought I was right - I had seen no beauty in my bridal sight,on the wedding night. I cried and cried ,my pillows drowned thinking aloud that I was never a caged bird, till i wore my bridal gown. The beauty I wore on my wedding day is all washed away in a single day . I no longer see that beautiful bride again. I dreamt to run back to my dad screaming “Daddy I am still your baby girl and can take this violence and pain no more ”.

My heart goes numb and my tears have dried, when I hear my dad say “Its alright”. Did I hear it wrong or did he say it wrong, I wondered when I heard him say “Adjust it dear” . Mother is here and I cried and hugged her tight asking what wrong did I do, to have, to have this fight . She calmed me, she consoled me ,and I slept like a child in her lap. Days went by and it began to feel that my childhood home is no more mine. I hear the noise my siblings make because there is no space for their family,as I take space. I packed my bags and walked away ,no where to go and no place to be.

I walked some miles and like lightning strike I had a flash of the phoenix bird .It arose from the dust and ashes in front of me . Bright Red and Golden like my bridal wear, I see it rise from nowhere . Its huge wings covered the sky ,the shadow fell all over and around me . I could not believe I could see this bird ,so huge and wondrous , swirling its wings around me . I awed in wonder how beautiful the phoenix can be, just from dust . The rays of the sun gleamed around it and I saw it connect with the sun.

I woke up at a hospital bed, the doctors say I fainted and am pregnant . The phoenix bird gives me strength to start afresh with this little soul in me. I struggle hard , I tumble down ,but I promised myself ,to arise like the phoenix bird .Head held high this world is mine.I am the phoenix bird that connect with the sun and will gleam so bright.

My baby girl is here, so beautiful that I see that God is divine. Oh baby girl of mine, I whisper a secret ,a great secret to you ,to live your life like you wish it to be. Remember the phoenix bird at difficult times to arise and behold at trying times . Oh my baby girl ,You live “Your Dream” ,and not what others dream for you. This is the secret to the easiest way to live . Live not, to please the society- but you and your will to live happily with respect & humility. Live this single life you have, the way YOU -Will & Dream, in your humble journey make sure you find happiness, peace & harmony.

PS: This write up is for all those women who need a wake up call from suffering in domestic violence. You are much more worth it . Find the self respect you lost long back, arise and shine like the phoenix bird. The world maybe cruel at times, but you can win over it with Self Respect ,courage and a will to live happily. As its said grass is always green on the other side- come take a walk to this other side.

~ ThankYou for taking time to Read
Rise

 

ThankYou...

 

Thankyou al for your kind words of encouragement.... i encourage woman who go through Domestic violence and donot raise a voice .... hope there is more understanding in people and DV comes to an end.