Family Matters

We are in a phase now where we see our next generation getting married. Like my nephews and nieces weddings. As fun the weddings can be, they also provoke some thoughts and reflections.
One of the many thoughts that I have had the chance to reflect with my husband is the fact that none of these marriages have been arranged by elders of the family and have been decided by the young couple themselves.
Not that I have anything against two people meeting and deciding their future together but what has not ceased to surprise me is the rampant ignorance of family background and family values.
By this I mean that when we used to get married, nearly quarter of a century ago, a lot of emphasis was placed on family. The family that the girl was getting married to mattered a lot to the bride’s parents. They even used to explore the ancestors of the family maybe to a few generations ahead of us.
My point is that Family matters. Or should I say mattered?
But these days the prevalent thing among young couples is just the two of them. Though it an important aspect to, I feel some level of emphasis should be paid to the family and their family background.
Sad to say that with a few couples I have had to witness their divorces too. Maybe that was not due to the family and more to do with the couples themselves.
Still I feel when coming from a family with staunch values and beliefs they would have influenced the girl’s upbringing and also the grooms.
This in turn would make them work harder on their marriages and also show them the value of compromise. Do you think that I am wrong in my thinking?

AC,
I second your each and every line...

Family do matter a lot..leave alone the caste, rich or poor..

You know one thing...compromise means what..that is the question in the minds of today's youngesters (exceptions are always there)
they don't want to compromise, if they do they think that it is an advantage to the other party...they don't want to 'bow' down..'ego' plays a very important role nowadays..if you compromise, it means your freedom is lost and so on...
It is a sad state of affairs we witness that those who make their marriage happen are those who are the first one to divorce..

sriniketan

Originally Posted by Sriniketan

AC,
I second your each and every line...

Family do matter a lot..leave alone the caste, rich or poor..

You know one thing...compromise means what..that is the question in the minds of today's youngesters (exceptions are always there)
they don't want to compromise, if they do they think that it is an advantage to the other party...they don't want to 'bow' down..'ego' plays a very important role nowadays..if you compromise, it means your freedom is lost and so on...
It is a sad state of affairs we witness that those who make their marriage happen are those who are the first one to divorce..

sriniketan

Dear Bhargavi
I just read an excellent thread by you and now have the good fortune of reading an equally good post

Your lines about ego and the fact that those who make it break it also.
It is a true pity to see people wasting their lives and every thing they struggled to build just because they could not GIVE in..could not compromise.
Glad to see we are doing same side goal!

Dearest AC,

You have come out with a valid post. Family matters a lot in marriages. In India, it is not two individuals getting married it is two families.

To substantiate on this, My close relative has four daughters the first one was married but her marriage is on the rocks becuase her dh is having an affair and inlaws are least bothered to correct their son. Second one's marriage was fixed but she droped it saying that the grrom is not her taste and the family is too orthodox. She herserlf got a groom from net, didnt check his income nor the family. Got married, having twins but her dh's income is too low and his parents do not take care of her. More to that dh goes on tour always leaving her at the mercy of his parents. She now laments her fate. The family is so mean and too cunning. She herself has spoilt her life.

Lalitha
You have made a valid point here.. which was what I am trying tosay to.
The young people are in such a hurry to get married that they dont see what parents and other well wishers advice. Then its too late.. Marraiges need to be taken more seriously and granted its level of importance.

Dear AC,


Well said.I agree with you 100%.The children of today think, they like the spouse, and that is it.that they will live and earn together as a nuclear family, and they don’t see the family background of the other party.


The marriage must be according to the status of the families.Today the boy or the girl working in a Company fall in love, both look good and groomed, but u dontknow the background of the other person.


And somewhere u have to interact with the inlaws, which well may bring grief to everyone concerned.


But in a way this is good.Saves u the trouble of finding the groom or the bride, and the dowry too.And if we arrange the marriage and if anything goes wrong, the kids will be blaming us, instead of trying to adjust inlife.


So I feel what is happening is good, whether we like it or not.And let us not give them anything, besides our blessings.No house for the boy and no dwory for the girl.Since u have taken the decision, now u spend for the marriage.

Harsh views? Maybe.

Regards.kamal

Originally Posted by Kamalji

The children of today think, they like the spouse, and that is it.that they will live and earn together as a nuclear family, and they don’t see the family background of the other party.

That is exactly their thinking Kamalji. They WANT to live in nuclear families and so their actions reflect it to.

Originally Posted by Kamalji

And somewhere u have to interact with the inlaws, which well may bring grief to everyone concerned.

There starts the problems... right there!
Let me share a real incident.. my close friend visited her son and daughter in law after the baby was born. As per our custom you place little sugar in the baby's mouth and then give gifts.. the DIL totally refused the MIL this small gesture! the poor MIL did not understand what she did wrong!

Originally Posted by Kamalji

But in a way this is good.Saves u the trouble of finding the groom or the bride, and the dowry too.And if we arrange the marriage and if anything goes wrong, the kids will be blaming us, instead of trying to adjust inlife.

It does save us a LOT of troubles .. no doubt.. and like you say let them be responsible for all that hah?!

Originally Posted by Kamalji

So I feel what is happening is good, whether we like it or not.And let us not give them anything, besides our blessings.No house for the boy and no dwory for the girl.Since u have taken the decision, now u spend for the marriage.



Regards.kamal

Well here is the problem.. that we cannot stop ourselves from GIVING to our children..??
I know its easier to say lets only give our blessings but really its not possible.. thats where the kids take advantage of!

Originally Posted by Anandchitra

That is exactly their thinking Kamalji. They WANT to live in nuclear families and so their actions reflect it to.






There starts the problems... right there!
Let me share a real incident.. my close friend visited her son and daughter in law after the baby was born. As per our custom you place little sugar in the baby's mouth and then give gifts.. the DIL totally refused the MIL this small gesture! the poor MIL did not understand what she did wrong!





It does save us a LOT of troubles .. no doubt.. and like you say let them be responsible for all that hah?!





Well here is the problem.. that we cannot stop ourselves from GIVING to our children..??
I know its easier to say lets only give our blessings but really its not possible.. thats where the kids take advantage of!

Dear AC,

You have literally disected my comments .

We must let them take full responsibility for their actions.

My wife's nephew i s getting married to an American Girl, a coworker with whom he fell in love.

So he has invited his parents for marriage to USA for a month, and my wie has to go and stay in their house in Chennai next month, to take care of her mother whos is sick and bedridden.

( The son of my wife's brother is gettingmarried, and mom stays with them)

That is life.Now the boy will have american kids, so will enver settle down in India.

Regards.

kamal

Dear AC,

Another thought-provoking and happening topic !

You hit the nail right on its head ! Yes, most of the marriages today are arranged by the young couple themselves. Some are love cum arranged marriages where they would have been in love for sometime, and when the time comes, will reveal to their respective parents.

Some parents agree after some persuasion and arrange/conduct these marriages in harmony. Whereas, many parents disagree outright citing many reasons..one reason maybe family background.

Either way, the couples go ahead and get married, with or without their parents approval. Later, when they face problems, they have no one to point fingers at, other than themselves.

Whereas in arranged marriages, the whole responsibility lies on the parents. When things are hunky-dory, the couples take the credit, but if it is otherwise, automatically the parents are blamed.

You've mentioned about family background. In their defense, the couples will retaliate, saying that they are going to live with each other and not the families. When and if there is interaction between the families during important occassions, the parents are expected to adjust and wear a plastic smile (whether they like or not) This is the reality today AC !

In one of the TV shows (Vijay tv from you tube), the host of that show, quipped that ,today, even husband and wife living together has become a joint family (instead of nuclear family), since the divorce rates are increasing!!

On the other hand, even many arranged marriages are heading to divorce courts, citing irreconcilable differences. So, it's quite difficult to point at love marriages alone (with/without enquiring about families)

In love marriages, the couples may try to work out their differences and stay together.

Even after making enquiries about family background, rishimoolam, nadhimoolam etc, in arranged marriages, the couples have the support of their respective parents. So, this may actually backfire in many cases.

I do agree that 'Family matters', but family alone doesn't matter. It is finally in the hands of the couples to live in harmony, adjusting and adapting to whatever life throws at them.

Regards
Krithika

AC Dear,

Now, I would like to say, in our relatives circle, even our uncles had fallen in love and then married. One of my uncle was pelted with stones for marrying a MALYALEE! As we are hindu brahmins (Iyers). He braved every torture but did not move from that place. Later lived for around 40 years and then kicked the bucket.

My cousins most of them have got in to inter-caste marriage! There was a discussion that the culture of Iyers is going to die with the current generation. The intercaste crowd does not celebrate any festival, just call in for some sweets and light a lamp. Over.

Many things change with inter caste marriage!