Joint Family Vs Nuclear Family - Your Thoughts?

Hi Guys,

Lets talk about family.

Those were the days, brothers, uncles, grandparents, parents and great grandparents all reside in the same house. The DIL's of the house take care of cooking, home maintenance and what not. Being a Joint family was a must. As years passed, nuclear family came into place, initially because of jobs.. but eventually to avoid family politics, most of them preferred it. Then started the sharing concept of parents... 6 months in a songs place, 6 months in another.... Further more it was so much a burden of taking care of them, that they were sent to oldage homes.

Joint or nuclear concept, had its own pros and cons I agree

Being a joint family, elders were always out there to take care of not just the kids, but also the so called adults and give valuable advice. Sharing of houseold work and so on. As dependent kids were taken care off by parents, dependent parents at their old age were taken care in unity. Obviously the downside was family politics.

Being a nuclear family was fun, as its one's own family, but the problem was if both were working, taking care of kids were a huge task and also if not, wife would be bored as no one is out there to spend time with.

So, me started thinking

(1) What's your choice? - Joint Family or Nuclear Family - Why?
(2) Joint Family a boon or curse? - Why?
(3) How would you want to be taken care off when you are old? -> Spend time with your kids or Old age homes or taking care of yourself ? - Why?

Dear Nandu,
A great topic of discussion. I personally perfer joint family as for the reasons you have described. They are always there for us to support in all aspects. In a joint family system, you have to sacrifice for so many things and iff you have that mentally, you will be happy. Infact we all(my husband have 2 elder brothers) were living together in joint family and it was a real great experience. Due to so many reasons, we have moved away, but on some pretext or the other, we meet and we have fun. Our kids too enjoy the company of their cousins and they have never felt that they are their cousins. All the kids of all the brothers look up all of us as their own parents and we too dont discriminate between them.

Ofcourse nuclear family have its own advantages, but I still long for the joint family system.

Joint family is definitely a boon especially in the current scenario, as both the couple work. But it is a boon provided, you are ready to do lots of adjustments and sacrifices.

I personally wanted to be taken care by the kids (if it is possible for them), but still, I wont feel bad if we had to (me and my husband) had to take care of ourselves. Our long time wish is to settle in SriRangam Trichy after DH's retirement. But we cannot force the kids to be with us due to their career options. (Though it is a long way to go). So even if we have to be alone, I think we should be ok.

My dear dear Nandhu,

: thanks for coming up with such a wonderful thread ... Well, let me start answering your lovely questions ... ...

(1) What's your choice? - Joint Family or Nuclear Family - Why?

I always prefer JOINT family ... Nethila adicha madhiri solitaenla ...
The reason is I miss the love and care in joint family dear ... We are living miles far away from our country and all alone in this Palace (madiveetu yezhaikal) ... My parents are living in chennai and my In-laws even though they are in LUX they hardly come to see us ...

Kids miss their Grandparents very much ... the love, affection, care, even though we give them, but kids miss the old age stories, the hug from Thatha(Grandpa) and Ammamma(Grandma) when we get angry with kids, advice for us from elders during our difficult decisions many more dear ...

(2) Joint Family a boon or curse? - Why?

Ofcourse, Joint Family is a BOON ... When we live with Elders, Kids grow more in surrounding of Love, Care and also they don't dare to do anything wrong against parents and elders ... They learn the discipline from us when we show to our Elders ... Joint families do have lot of problems within themselves but life means we have to face those hurdles ... which will finally leaves us in Happy Ending ...

Nothing we can compare with the happiness which comes when we all are together happily sharing our thoughts, dreams, jokes, anger, worries, ideas, suggestions, advices, etc ... we can keep going on many more ... But, in Nuclear family, only myself and hubby can share and with kids ...

When my hubby is at home, he hardly speaks with me ... when I say, speak something while I am cooking, I am bored ... and he replies 'Yennatha pesuradhu ... adhuvum unkitta' ... (What can I speak ... That too with you) ... When I say 'before marriage you loved to speak with me and keep asking me to speak ... ' and he replies 'Adhu Appoo .. Idhu Ippooo' ... (That's that time ... this is this time) Hope i have translated properly ...

(3) How would you want to be taken care off when you are old? -> Spend time with your kids or Old age homes or taking care of yourself ? - Why?
For this question, it depends on my kids to whom they are marrying friend ... If they love us to be with them, I will be most happy to serve my kids and grand children ... But, if they prefer to live on their own way all alone ... then we will not disturb them but still show our love, care and advice ...

Taking care of ourself when they don't show interest in JOINT family ... ...

Ps: ... For my hubby's forgetness habit, it is better to be with Joint family so that either of them will keep reminding him on things ... But, still his father will say 'Ivanukku Yennatha solli, Yenatha panradhu' (What to tell him, what to do with him) ...

A stimulating topic Nandhu....:)

I've personally experienced both Joint and Nuclear family systems.

When I was younger, we were happy to be in a joint family system, since we saw everything through rose colored glasses and were blissfully unaware of all the family politics going on. But as we grow up, the thorns between the roses start to prick us and we are jolted to reality.

So, everything is not the way it seems ..!

Bottom line..the grass is always greener on the other side.

Whenever this topic arises, I am always reminded of the Tamil movie, "Samsaram Adhu Minsaram" {Visu's movie}. Especially, Lakshmi's dialogue at the end of the movie when Visu and Kamala kaamesh would want everyone to live together as a joint family..she says....We should just maintain the relationship.."Nee Sowkiyama, Naan Sowkiyam.." and meet during holidays, festivals and special occassions.

That sort of sums it all up !

Originally Posted by Nandshyam

(1) What's your choice? - Joint Family or Nuclear Family - Why?

My choice is for Nuclear Family.
Reasons: Familiarity breeds contempt. This pertains to all types of relations.
To avoid politics and maintain cordial atmosphere. This is my opinion and ofcourse differs for every person.

(2) Joint Family a boon or curse? - Why?

It is a state of mind and depends on each family situtation. Living in a joint or nuclear system depends on each type of family situtation and the individuals. It is very difficult to generalise and pin point the better one.

If the couples are working and need someone to take care of their home and children, they will definitely prefer to live with their parents/inlaws.

Again, when they are living abroad, the option is daycare and even when then parents/inlaws do come for a visit, the couples do not want to hinder the routine and continue to send their children to daycare and baby sitters. To each their own.

We cannot pass judgements without actually being in that predicament.

So, some cases may be out of compulsion and some may be genuinely interested to maintain the joint family system.

(3) How would you want to be taken care off when you are old? -> Spend time with your kids or Old age homes or taking care of yourself ? - Why?

Definitely, me and my hubby would like to take care of ourselves, but still spend quality time with our kids whenever possible.

So, what are your thoughts on this Nandhu?

Dear Nandhu,

Indeed a good topic.

1. Though i love to be in joint family,I will sustain with nuclear family bcoz we can be far away from comparisions,emotional hurts,gossips,ego clashes,compomises,work priorities(like who has to do this and that).......
2. Each one has its own way of pros and cons.In joint family,there will be more awareness of watz happening around,kids wud definitely enjoy with the other siblings and their grand parents,no question of boring,we wont be alone at our difficult/hard times.
3. By the grace of god,if we couple r blessed with good health at that time ,we like to spend our own time but with frequent visits to our children spending quality time with them.

Cheers,
Spandhana

hi Nandu

thanks for bringing up such gd topic for discussion.

my choice is for joint family,as u mentioned all of the plus points i feel i dont hav to repeat again.but when v r ready for a compromise n let go lightly abt comments n know to balance the relation ships then jt family is truly wonderful .

i think i will leave it the future to decide wether to stay with or without kids in life.as v havent given a thought on tht ,

but i think wether u stay in jt family or a nuclear family maintaining the relationships is very imp.here giving some space to each individual n respect for the same frm both the sides must surely b there.

bye
raji

Rajmi..

Very true... Sacrifice, adjustments is something I think is not a bad habit to have.. and those will always be put to action when in a joint family.. it will actually mold us good me thinks :)

Wow, so you had been in a joint family??? thats nice...

Srirangam a nice peaceful place...

Sunitha,

Very opt word.. "Madiveetu Yezhai" (Bungalow poor)

Our childhood was so much fun right.. grandpa, grandma telling us stories everynight.. gathering in the top floor, hear all these stories and get one pidi of food.. hmm.. those daysssssss...

I really pity the kids nowadays.. who spend in some daycare and eagerly wait for one parent to come and pick up everyday :(

Krithika.....

Wow, another person who experienced both.. !!! very nice !!

I expected you or sunitha to point visu's movie Very good movie with lots of thought provoking scenes...

As you mentioned, I like lakshmi's climax dialogues ... I mean once the words are put out there.. it will never be the same... So its better to have a safe distance and still maintain the relationship...rather than breaking it..

Krithika, ofcourse opinions differ.. not all the fingers is the same right. I completely agree...

Very true, its hard to pin point which is better.. For some it might be a boon and for some curse..

I completely disagree with children having parents at home, as child care takers.. I pity them actually... After all these years of work, they would expect to sit and relax and tell stories.. not take care of children 9-5... Thats bad me thinks...

Our children is our responsibility. Either leave the job or put it in day care.. never use parents for that case - My personal opinion.

My thoughts?? I love joint family.. but let me define my joint family - its us and our parents.. I would love to have them at my home and take care of them during their old age... Love to have the entire family every weekend if need by.. But living together with the entire family is a stretch for me

Dear Spandhana,

Very well said.. We can ofcourse avoid the unnecessary politics by being at a distance :)

So nice.. !!! visit them, but not be a burden :) :)