Adopted versus Your Own....

Ever since I read Devikas "Aradhana" I have been thinking of this and wanted to share it with my dear friends.

When I was a little girl I had a friend and her brother who were both adopted by a childless couple. They were very well off and both kids were very well looked after and they very matter of factly announced they were adopted. Being kids we used to all whisper to each other that their mom and dad were not "actually" their own mom and dad.

That was the first time I learnt about adoption and that it was a legal solution for childless couples. Today, almost three decades later I wonder why that idea has still not caught on. Why more and more childless couples do not opt for it I have no idea. I know of at least 3 couples…one is wallowing in self pity…the other one is still busy visiting temples and observing fasts…and the third has tried almost all the latest in science trying to conceive. I hasten to say that I am not ridiculing them here and god only knows how terrible it is to want for a child and not have one. I am only saying wouldn’t it be easier to give an orphan a home .Isnt it better to accept certain facts in life and get on ahead instead of waiting that one day it will happen.

Then when I was around 15 and once travelling by train., my co companion was a girl of around 18 and we got along so well she started telling me her life story. It seems she was an adopted daughter of her parents. but soon after adopting her her mother conceived and her parents had a child of their own. She spoke so lovingly of her parents and her sister that it was obvious they were one loving family. Not even once had she felt that she was the "adopted" one.

That was the first time I l learnt that u could do both, adopt as well as have your own.. Isnt it great that people can love the adopted and their own child equally .I think it is really huge, giving both equal rights emotionally, physically and financially. Hats off to such parents..

One such couple is the famous celebrity Brad pitt and his wife Angelina jolie .I really admire them for adopting children from the less priviledged countries. Brad in some interview had said he was going to have a soccer team of his own. Great....Their money is being put to good use, for a good cause.

I also know of one raja who is an autorickshaw driver back home in kerala who has opened his home (just 2 to 3 rooms with a thatched roof ) to orphans. He and his wife adopt children discarded at various places and bring them up with his meagre earnings and what he gets by way of donations. As of now he has two of his own and around seven adopted ones the youngest being an infant of three months. Our family has known him for the last 4-5 years and we do our little bit towards charity by giving him financial aid. But what makes me want to to him each time is the fact that to date none of us know who his own children are out of the nine kids living there. They all live, laugh, fight and go to school together. Whatever he has is equally shared by all of them. He has taught me that one doesn’t have to be RICH to share ….all one needs is a BIG heart to do that.

Hi Mindian,

Lovely post which makes many to think about it. I know so many who have have 1 biological child and willing to adopt 1 child. But have to undergo lot of procedures.

Government is not supportive. :(

Dear Mindian,
Some people might be conservative type and might not wish to adopt. But I know families who adopted girl babies in spite of having a biological son. The trend is fast changing now. Even my second son had adopted a girl baby though he got a son.
Love,
PS

Dear Mindi,

Well written and well said.Just loved yr blog.

My two brothers don’t have a kid, since they married 20 years back.I wish they would have adopted a child , but these are sensitive things and cant tell yr Bhabhis these things.


I wish I had adopted a girl , inaddtion to the two daughters that I have.Very late, around 5 years back I read articles wehre people having their own kids, adopting a child, like Shobha Dee has done.I think she has adopted two girls, in addition to the two that she has.That is why I love Shobha De.

I would have loved to have an adopted girl child, and seen the difference in her since when I would have brought her.But well too late now.

Superb blog, and goes into my favourites.Regards.kamal

Dear Mindi,

To adopt you need a family who is big hearted...... who do not bother about the caste, creed etc of the child. A family's support is very much needed otherwise it would be hell for the child. In that case it is always better to avoid an adoption.

I had always loved to have a child of my own and to adopt another child so that we can give opportunities for the orphans. But family never agreed.........they thought I had gone crazy and it was blasphemy to talk like that. Even in this century you have people like this.........

Dear Mindi,
Loved your writeup ! Adopting a child used to be and continues to be a big taboo in indian society but the trend is changing though at a slower pace. Earlier people used to adopt the child of their own relative may be brother etc as they were sure of the child's gene and caste.
My x-boss has adopted a girl child few months back from an orphanage. They have a biological son. to him. We have people like Sushmita Sen who adopted a girl child. But in India adoption rules are quite stringent. They do not allow a single parent to adopt a child specially a male parent. And if they allowed, single male parent can adopt only a male child. As the recent example is Sandip Soparrkar. Moreover the adoption procedure is rigorous. But I think that it is required to be that way for a child's future's sake.

I Am An Adopted Girl In My Life Not That I Have Never Known My Parents But Had To Know Them For My Studies As My Foster Parents Were Always In Transferable Job,they Say But I Love My Foster More Than My Biological Dont Ask Me Why, It Is Just That The Child Will Love Without Reservation But The Parent Will They Have The Heart To....sunkan

I too have a bit of real life info to add on here

I have a neighbour who is of my mom's age or even older, Both their kids are settled in US with a GC....they used to visit them once in 6 months...ie aunty and uncle used to Visit them for 6 months a year

Aunty too was feeling uneasy about the travel, the dependence on loved ones only for love andd affection.....after few months this aunty is holding a 2 day old baby in her hand

I was shocked...I asked her whose kid ...Is she your grand Daughter?

She said..No anu....we are adopting this baby...Me and uncle are feeling very lonely and our children cant stay with us....we need something/some activity to keep us engaged...and this baby is a far relative of our servant maid, this being the 4th Baby girl in the family they didnt want her....so we are adopting her...and all the legal procedures are on the way....I was shocked because
1)This aunt had met with an accident few years ago and was finding hard to walk even now.
2)Both auncle and aunty are more than 60 I guess

So how can they take care of a baby....and few days back..I met her and she was all happy and was running around for the baby's work...never bothered about her leg/age.....

I at this age find it hard with only son....and on the other hand she was enjoying it all truely!!

I asked her about the baby,...they just named her And now both her children wish to take this baby to US ....I was looking at her face for further reactions She said....I cant let this one go away from me as long as I am alive.....I truely admired her spirit then...I said this baby is truely lucky to have found you, She said its the other way round,..we are lucky to found her & have her

I also got to know that this baby's parents were farmers sumwhere near dharmapuri,...not so poor but they just did not want another baby Girl....

Donno whether they are still trying for a baby boy,...I am planning to send them the Chineese calender..If it could be of any use to them and also another life;) and the society!!

Cheers!!
Anu

Vey well written dear....

Even I have some friends who are under treatment to conceive... they are in treatment for more than 8 to 10 years..One of my family friend both are Doctors.. they dont have a child marreid for more than 8 years .. but they dont even have an idea to adopt a child.... Many case are like this,....

People's attitude is still in a narrow way.... they need to change themselves and come forward to adopt a child....

I was really moved about Raja ....

Thanx for a thoughtful post dear...

Dear Mindian

I think the couple's hesitation to adopt at times (especially down south ) is attributed to the fact of facing the society and the questions that may be posted on those pitiable childless couples..

Presently I would appreciate that there are strong Intercountry Adoption policies that would prevent the adopted kid from being abused, neglected or exploited. There is also a huge sum of fee collected by the government so that only genuine couples who are desperate would opt for adoption..

Kudos to the autorickshaw driver.. from Kerala.I think I have to frankly admit Keralites have a broader mind to adopt than anybody as I see most of my relatives originating from Kerala have adopted and they live very happily..

I have to appreciate my uncle who has adopted a girl child when she was hardly 2 years (6 years back almost) an unfortunate victim who has lost both her parents in the Gujarat Earthquake and right now she is being put up in a nice school and leads a peaceful life ..Kudos to you uncle.. forgot to tell her name.. She is Nupur!

Thanks for the thread..
Lakshmi