Is Marriage Necessary?

Is marriage the only way for a man and woman to live together?

It is an enforced way to make sure you abide by a decision you have made.

We in India study in boys or girls schools. Socializing between men and women is (in general) frowned upon. So the majority of us go in for arranged marriages. Everywhere I see miserable people forced to remain together. They made the wrong choice of partner.

But now they are forced to live with it.

Most people are unhappy simply because they do not have an 'exit option'.

If a medical drug had such a high failure rate would we take it?

Then why do we tolerate this institution of marriage which has such a high divorce rate?

A divorce is so messy and heart breaking and expensive. And frowned upon by society. I think thats why the theory of the 'next life' was developed. So people would not feel so bad about living a miserable life this time around!

But what if this is the only life we have? Should we be forced to live it this way? Or go through a messy divorce? Is all this necessary?

Why can't we improve the system? Why can't we explore alternatives?

Even staying together for the sake of the kids is a silly argument.

It is better for the kids to see two happy people than two miserable ones. Kids need to be given hope. They need to think life is worth living. If they see two miserable parents they will lose hope. They will think there is nothing more to life than misery. Then they will become self destructive. They may turn to drugs. So it is vital they have good role models in their parents

The first thing we should do to improve the system is make all schools co-educational.

Boys and girls get used to being with each other. Boys and girls will begin to see each other as human beings and not objects to experiment with for love or desire. They will have a better idea of what kind of person of the opposite sex they get along better with. They will recognize that they are compatible with some people and not compatible with others. They will learn to choose.

Then we should teach boys and girls the basics of relationships. That the decision to be with someone is also another decision. It should not be life threatening. Or life long. If you do not wish it to be.

The top priority should always be to find someone you are happy with. And who is happy with you.

We have just one life to live

One fine day you will meet someone you think is perfect for you. Then you will agree to live together .

If you decide to have kids ( after being together a mandatory 3 years) you will be covered by 'the agreement'

And if after all this experience you still make the wrong decision, you do not have to suffer for life. You can always change your decision. And make another attempt at living a decent happy life.

The kids (if any) will be looked after by 'the agreement' between both partners. The agreement will be enforced by a private court who will dismiss frivolous petitions immediately.

Frivolous 'divorces' will be rare since the schools will emphasize the importance of making a commitment.

Relationships will be a major topic of study in all schools.

Thereafter, a couple is assumed to understand the ramifications of terminating a relationship. They will take the 'extreme step' of termination of the relationship very seriously

Only then will the 'fast track' agreement come into action.

The agreement is enforced by private courts and is equipped to first of all suggest top notch counselling.

Only when all else fails is the split taken up for debate and immediate action

For example people who do not contribute to looking after their kids will be levied severe penalties. If the woman has left her job to look after her kids (by mutual consent) she will be looked after in the manner in which she looked after the kids when they were together and so on

This way women need not stay with violent husbands. They will always be protected by ' the agreement' (which mainly applies when there are kids or when the man or woman does not work, by mutual consent). Women need never be saddled with chauvinist husbands. Kids are forbidden for the first three years of living together. (until the couple are reasonably sure they get along)

The goal of life should be to live it happily.

Isn't it better to make our own mistakes rather than make mistakes forced upon us by society?

Hi

I do agree with you but its just by chance you get a nice partner you can be happy that you have met a nice person for the rest of your life..

I have got a very nice hubby and I feel happy that I am lucky enough to have such..

Net net its the order of the day boss and we are to abide by society's principles.. drowing in samsara sakaram..

all the best

rgds
Uma

Dear uncannybal

If this framework doesn't suit our purpose the best way is to exit. Didn't we start that way. Tribals still follow the same social system. If the whole society turns that way then there will not any problem. Here the present generation is at crossroads. They want the best of both the worlds. Either let us go back to the earlier stages9primitve) or confine ourselves to the existing system with a level head. I don't wish to use the term "primitive" for they would consider our ways of life unsophisticated where there is no chance for redeeming oneself from the clutches of what they dislike. kanaka

The basic ingredient of marriage is faith and love……especially it’s a wonderful culture in India where 2 families come together…….do you have a choice or agreement with your parents……no……..but still in spite of difference in opinion we live with them because we love them………the same is the case with married life also…….love is crazy maths…….the more you divide it the more it gets multiplied………and what I am talking here is normal cases (not including people getting affected because of dowry etc….) …..I think there is no need to complicate any relations……..these things happen naturally……marriage itself is an implied agreement…….and ultimately to take it or leave it is ur choice…….

Dear Santosh,

Great research and views, though very radical for many of us.

I was in an all boys school, and i was very awkward and shy when i went to a coed college in Mumbai.

I would go for Co ed schools, and the live in, well too radical for us boss.But makes sense to the rest of what u say, there should be an exit route, and yes before u marry, u live in to know yr partner well.

Wish i could , but now past all that things, but if young , and if approved by socieity, why not ?

Regards.kamal

pelli - moodu mullu - yedu adugulu - okari kokaru jeevee thantam kalasi melasi jeevinchatham.
100% necessary.

Hello,

I 2nd AGR,

AGR has said it right.
Quote:do you have a choice or agreement with your parents……no……..but still in spite of difference in opinion we live with them because we love them………the same is the case with married life also…….love is crazy maths…….Unquote:
===========

Adjust - thats the only word which these days youngsters FORGET. Every thing is GIVE & TAKE.

Preethi rao

Hi

Marriage was necessary in India 10-15 years ago and is still needed if you are living in remote areas....
The point that I wish to make here is when you dont like something "U move on"..like the ad you would have seen for FastTrack....

10-15 years before a seperated or a divorced lady(note I say lady not the man!!) was looked down upon by our own society and it was the related people of the lady who were humiliated by different talks(highly insensible ones!!)....you might feel bad for the people whom you love and they might not have the power to disregard such talks...
The same is true in these days if you are living in remote areas

Its not the same if you are living in metros or urban places like bangalore for the following reasons
1)Life is so Fast moving people dont have time to Gossip about such things
2)Life has taught them to be more broad minded
3)If you wish you can completely cut off or avoid such irritating people who gossip about you
4)You tend to find friends who understand your situations and get ur time involved in places like Indusladies..thus you dont have time to think about ur past crib/cry
5)you find many ways of keeping your mind and heart occupied than be left alone in a room sad and lonely

Regarding Kids!!.
Well if you would have a bad marriage ....the ultimate loosers are kids of course!!
when you are seperated its the great and delicate responsibility of both the parents to make him / her understand about the sourness in the relation and not the person....eitherway the kid is biologically related to both of them he wishes or not...thus the kid must look up to both parents for what ever is needed unless untill the other person doesnot want to Accept the kid as his/her own!!


The next is purely my opinion...no intentions meant
"Marriages in India is just keeping our traditions alive..."...people find a reason to celebrate togetherness......and some show off their status in the society!!

And wats a divorce....In India..how many marriages are registered for which we need a Divorce ...
My parents then by law were never married and God they have 3 kids!!

They were cosidered married by the society thats all!!

So my last statement would be

"People in love will continue to be in love unless untill acted upon by an external Force".....Marriage will be just an event that might start the process or might come across in the course of Love

When the love and respect for eachother is lost the two will repel from each other and Divorce may or may not come on the way....

Thus marriage is necessary for next 10-15 years if in India (to keep up the traditions till then..after that we might be confused as to find the appropriate tradition to follow beacause of the intercaste marriages these days) else not required at all

Twinuma

Glad to see that u were lucky to find a good partner ! But is that the way it should be? How many around are living with the wrong partner? Isint it unfair? Let us change things. The reason we are a great culture should be because we recognise problems and fix them generation to generation. Only on open minded approach will make sure that things work better and better and more people are happy rather than unhappy

Santosh

Originally Posted by twinuma

Hi

I do agree with you but its just by chance you get a nice partner you can be happy that you have met a nice person for the rest of your life..

I have got a very nice hubby and I feel happy that I am lucky enough to have such..

Net net its the order of the day boss and we are to abide by society's principles.. drowing in samsara sakaram..

all the best

rgds
Uma

Dear Santosh uncannybal,

here's my take on marriage - may be I am rambling and thinking out loud as well......but thought should share my two cents. Whhile you are talking of how to change this Institution, I am trying to understand why it might be there in the first place... hopefully these two views might offer some possible solutions ;)

We thrive on Instutions is my opinion. For ex. when we are born we know we have a mom/dad, family, then we step out and see an institution called school, college and when we think we are smart enough to earn a living, where do we end up another institution called work place. Similarly agreed, marriage is an institution but when we work our way thorugh all these institutions and are grilled to think in a certain way, is it possible for us to attain maturity suddenly. When we are willing to follow institutanalisation in every other sphere, why do we find it so hard to make some compromises in real life - there are always exceptions and torture in any form should not be tolerated, no doubt about that. Agreed we change jobs till we find a position that is satisfying, but how many us take a leap at becoming an entrepreneur? How often do we say, this is where I want to be and just stay put. But in marriage we can afford to do so, if not sooner atleast later is what I sincerely hope.

Yes, yes I am coming to that point - don't we have a choice to study what we want, work where we want. Yes and even that has evolved over a period of time. That doesn't mean marriage is a primitive institution, it is just that it hasn't evolved at such a faster pace. To do that kind of experimenting, are we ready - isn't that what has led to higher divorce rates, single moms, broken families, kids being placed in orphanages etc as we see more commonly in western socities? I am not against arranged marriages, it does make me happy when a marraige is working well whether love or arranged and I for one belive that one should get to know one's life partner well enough before marriage, in that way I am a proponent of love marriages - may be engagement period is supposed to serve that purpose of atleast getting to the level of being comfortable with one another and hopefully falling in love and getting reay to face all of life together as an institution of two.

So finally I think, marriage was institutionalsed more, so that people can find solace in each others company - this worked well when the roles were also more or less defined. With changing society no doubt we do need to make changes to this institution - and I am sure this Institution is also undergoing a sea change, but may be at a slower pace.

Thank you.