Me, Myself and Nigella Lawson

The debate started after watching a Tamil movie on telly.. The film was about a married guy with a kid who falls for a woman, who also claims to be married. They move to a hotel room for a tryst, where the guy is beaten up by a goon the woman raped and to make matters worse, he is the victim of blackmail by the baddie.

Ultimately he confesses to his wife. She initially walks out on him but then comes back. The baddies, at least the main ones are vanquished and the couple and their kid live happily ever after.

After watching the film, my wife with a knack for generalisations commented that all married men lust after the other women. True, I agreed, but 99.99999% of them don't take the step that gets them into trouble. A fraction of them do and even a smaller fraction of them manage to tightrope walk smartly between the wife and girlfriend.

"So which group do you belong to?" wifey cross-examined me.

"The majority" I said.

"And who is the object of your affection?" she queried as my daughter interrupted. "Mama, dad ogles at Malaika Arora".

"I don't" I denied indignantly .She looks too anorexic for my taste. And if her brother-in-law finds out he is going to bash me up with the entire Khan clan having a go with him".

"That, probably, would be your only claim to fame--bashed up by Salman Khan.
After getting that well-deserved treatment you could write on a big piece of cardboard "BEATEN TO PULP BY SALLU". Wear it around your neck and go for a walk so that you attract some attentionm", said my pitiless offspring.

"Or how about getting it printed on all his tee shirts?" asked my wife.

" Even better. get it tattooed on your forehead", the daughter continued her merciless tirade.

They missed the point. I had told them that I DON'Tt ogle at Maialika Arora. However I must admit that I am guilty of ogling.

The problem, you see, is that man is polygamous by nature. In the stone age and before the males, at least the alpha ones, used to keep a huge bunch of females. But the habit which almost went into abeyance when the institution of marriage was born, was kept barely alive by a handful of Sultans and Maharajas.

Imagine tying the knot with an entire bunch of females! Doesn't that send shivers down your spine? Imagine a whole bunch of brothers-in-law and sisters-in-law screaming JEEJOO! (Elder sister's husband) at you.Or entire tribes of moms and dads-in-law staking claim noisily or even violently to be the alpha in-laws? And so monogamy came into being.

After that most of the males quietly ogled at other women. The more adventurous among them tried to get the girl and got slapped or hit with slippers for their pains or worse still, actually managed to win over the girl.

The moral of all I have said so far is that don't ogle at females in flesh and blood. There are several pretty ones on TV. Leer at them instead. That is a lot safer.

Malaika, huh? Heh, heh, heh. My family does not suspect the object of my affections on TV---Nigella Lawson.

As a foodie, I never miss the cookery shows on TV. That's how I came across Nigella.

Our bond, (one way bond that is) formed with "Nigella Feasts" on Discovery Travel and Living and strengthened with its successor "Nigella Express".


"Fat!" my wife spits out the three-letter word when Nigella appears on the screen. That is unfair. My term for her would be "well-endowed", a bit too well-endowed may be at the worst, but fat? Certainly not.

There are women whose dressing leaves nothing to imagination but when the Guy Upstairs created Nigella, he left nothing to imagination. Even if she is wrapped from top to toe you'd watch her enraptured.

You got to be deaf and blind to escape her spell. Yes deaf too, because that drawling voice talks of food as if it were some kind of red hot erotic affair. If you can see, that pout, that body language would floor you. You'd wish you had been a sirloin steak in her hands instead of a human being.

"Have you jotted down the recipe?" my daughter asks me sharply as I watch Nigella with my mouth agape. What? What recipe? And what is a recipe?

Nigella can give you amnesia about everything except herself. She may be a great chef but ask anyone who saw the programme about her recipes, they wouldn't remember. They'd be full of Nigella.

Even if the Rishis of yore had watched her they would have postponed all plans for Tapasya (penance) indefintely and would have sat before the TV and drooled.Anyway those guys don't have a great record for self-possession.If Indian mythology is to be believed they tended to fall for every heavenly danseuse who did an item number before them.

When such is the case, can a humble mortal like me blamed? Earlier I used to drool at Salma Hayek. but now move over Salma for Nigella is here. I have dropped all plans of becoming Salma ka Balma(in my fantasy, of course) since Nigella occupies a greater part of my heart than Salma ever did.

That is evident isn't it? Otherwise I would have written a post called "Me,Myself and Salma Hayek" much earlier.

true all your points are right i am a lady and i know all your oglings here, and how right you are the cameraman seems to be focusing too much on the endowments you mention rather than the recipe that is why people forget her, and she just eats and eats, hope she is able to carry it off, but then from your blog i am sure she is really carrying it off all the way....sunkan

Good one Balaji,

As hilarious as your other posts.

So now Nigella is your Menaka...hmmmm.

Never seen her program...but now i must watch but will make sure my dear hubby is not around..

who is Nigella ?i am getting curious.

So what is a safe-Watch programme on tv ,not atleast the benign appearing cookery shows. hmm... Animal planet. Just kidding enjoy yourself.
Humera.

Balajee
Well written.. And ofcourse Nigella is awesome:)
I have never understood why women cannot appreiciate beauty when they see it.. be it man or woman or nature..
so my hubby and i openly admire women and sometimes men.. more because t.v shows more gorgeous woman than men.. but we wait for mathew maccaun something to tear of his t-shirt and even monclif I think the french open tennis player took of his t-shirt... sorry to digress.. back to t.v woman .. nigella is far better than salma today.. maybe you missed the slightly older Giada!

now who is Nigella, i am wondering. Sad i have not seen. she is a cook show anchor ? Maybe thats why she is " healthy", eating up whatever prepared for show.

One thing became clear. Got confession from man himself that Indian Men like filled-out women. Especially southie men. "Dreamgirls" down the generations : Savithri, KR vijaya , Kushboo,

Now i want to see this Nigella. A rounded swapnasundari who is expert cook , it sounds like Ultimate Male Fantasy !!!!!!

Dear B, I hope your Biwi (with all my respects) and Beti didn’t read this, otherwise you would be Banished from your Boarding! The way you talked about Nigella is very humorous to me but I don’t know about your family. Please be careful and ogle a lil’ less, so we can still enjoy these wonderful writings of yours for a little more longer!

Salma Hayak is different thing. One just cannot complain ogling at her..

Sir, a picture of your one side bond wouldn't hurt, me thinks

Poor swarna, shes clueless about how nigella looks .. and me too

Very funny article.. throughly enjoyed it...

Originally Posted by sunkan

true all your points are right i am a lady and i know all your oglings here, and how right you are the cameraman seems to be focusing too much on the endowments you mention rather than the recipe that is why people forget her, and she just eats and eats, hope she is able to carry it off, but then from your blog i am sure she is really carrying it off all the way....sunkan

Sunkan, part of the show's attraction lies in the fact that she eats and eats. (That probably is the secret of Nigella's ample figure). That is why I watch the show till the fridge raid in the end!

hai friends here she is for you..sunkan