My 'debatable' experiences in Iraq

Yes it was difficult but it had to be done

Let me start at the begining

I was a debate champion in school.

No I was not talkative really. I was just a good debater. I discovered that quite by accident.

My teacher wanted to punish me. I was terribly shy. So she figured the worst punishment for me would be to make talk in public.

Miss Lalita. She was my math teacher.

For the life of me I couldint understand how learning 'differential equations' would help me in life.

So I was writing my latest story in her class. And she caught me.

Now I can see why she is still a 'miss'

She asked the 'extra curricular activities' teacher to enter me in the debate contest the following week

I was trembling all week. I couldint sleep. I couldint think. All I could do was prepare. So thats what I did.

Finally the day arrived. It was my turn to speak.

I knew this would change everything but as I stood there transfixed, I felt helpless.

There they were in front of me. Over a thousand students sitting in front of me. All those faces. Anxiously waiting for me to speak !

I composed myself. Then I began to speak. I spoke slowly at first.

I discovered that I had no stage fear ! My mind was calm and I was thinking clearly. I spoke my prepared piece and rebutted some of my opponents points.

I was awesome.

I won !

Suddenly I was a hero. Everybody wanted to speak to me. The praise was constant and effusive. I was a star!

Thereafter I was hooked. I was in inter school debates and then in Inter collegiate debates

That was when I got the call

I was stunned



It was NDTV.

They wanted me to host the debate competition for a one lakh prize on TV

I couldint beleive my ears. I was a pro !

Imagine doing what you love doing and making money doing it.

It was a dream life

Every day I had to go into the studio and be admired by a new audience. And then do what I loved. And then get paid.

It couldint get any better than this. Could it?

It was November 7th. I will never forget that day

I still remember the producer coming up to me and telling me to meet him in his office. And then telling me what he wanted me to do next.

I was stunned

He wanted me to go to Afganisthan and Iraq.



Why Iraq? Afganisthan ? What could I do there? I was just a debating champion. What would a debating champion do in war torn countries?

See that is the point. Let me tell you how he told it to me. Maybe you will understand this better than I did

He said these countries had no history of democracy.

Dictator after dictator, Invader after invader had spoiled the spirit of debate in these societies. And in so many other undemocratic countries.

The people there had forgotten the spirit of a good argument. They had never been free to argue. There was never any freedom of speech.

So they solved all their problems with violence and terrorism. When they wanted to make a point they killed people opposed to them.

Even worldwide. When they wanted to tell others that they did not like something they became terrorists and bombed or killed people

Was it possible to get these people to think ? And argue? Instead of just killing people when they had a problem?

So the Americans had thought up of a plan. They would start a debating competition. With a huge prize money. Like Kaun Banega Crorepathi or 'Who wants to be a millionaire?'

Yeah it was hard for me to understand too. But the money was big. The americans were guaranteeing my security

So I went to Iraq



The show was called 'Lets debate and get rich !'

At first I had a problem working with an interpreter. But then I got used to it. I had to give lengthy instructions before each debate.

Ordinary Iraqis were called in after some screening and given a topic on which they had to debate

They were completely at sea at first. This was so new to them ! They would cut each other off and speak out of turn. They would become personal and insult each other.

I had to tell them how they lost points when they did that.

'The million dollar prize gets further and further away each time you do that', I explained. That they understood

Money is the best way to explain something to somebody. Every body understands money. Everybody learns to count so fast. You get more points when you do this. You lose more points when you do that. Suddenly they forget their past and their differences and focus on the goal.

Of getting more points and the money

I urged viewers who wished to get the one million dollar prize money to practice at home. To practice with their neigbhors and friends and enemies so they would be well prepared when they came for the competition. There is no point in coming ill prepared I advised them.

Local competitions started among associations and between rival groups.

Everyone wanted the money.

Soon debating had become a national pastime.

We held roadshows to encourage the habit.

Peaceful disagreement and debate as a concept swept the Muslim world and elsewhere

It was all moving along nicely. Until the americans came into my office to tell me what they had planned for the following month

I was stunned

They wanted to hold a 'celebrity' show. They said they had to boost the ratings and bring the rural population into the debate

So they had invited two of the most powerful and violent warlords in the country to participate in the next show. And these warlords had accepted. Just for the national exposure

To say I was nervous was an understatement. I was terrified.

These men were violent. They could do anything.

It was like my first debate all over again. I felt the butterflies in my stomach. Only they werent butterflies now.

They were giant spiders

Finally the big day arrived. Both warlords had arrived.



They came in to the studio armed to the teeth. Their fiery eyes burned as they glared at each other when they met.

They had been bitter rivals for decades. Each controlled thousands of armed followers who would do anything these men asked of them. They had fought wars against each other. They had killed hundreds of each others men

Here they were pitted against each other again.

The venom from their gaze filled the room. Everyone in the room felt it.

You could cut the air with a knife

My heart was pounding in my chest.

I could just imagine the whole building being reduced to rubble if these men called on their followers to fight tonite. And they could.

Even if I made the tiniest little mistake

It was now or never. I could either be a wimp or a hero. There was no other choice.

For me.

Or for the world

Suddenly I felt world peace was in my hands

I couldint approach either one of them in case the other felt I was showing any preference. So I asked that both be brought into the coaching room as per procedure

There I addressed both together and calmly explained the rules. How they gained in this game and how they lost.

To my surprise both of them had seen me every week on TV. Thats why they had come.

They had heard of Amitabh Bachan and even Madhuri Dixit ! I promised the warlords that no matter who won I would arrange for some of the best Indian movies and autographed pictures of Madhuri to be sent for both of them.

They laughed heartily at my offer. Their booming laughter reverberated through the room.

I shivered



Then the debate started

It started off rather slowly. Both men were ill prepared but were learning fast.

Suddenly one of them spoke out of turn.

My warning fell on deaf ears. Then the other retorted. Again my warning went unheard.

I was now banging so hard on the warning bell but it was no use.

They were heading straight for each other.

It was becoming a dangerous personal battle !

My worst fears were being realized

I knew this would change everything but as I stood there transfixed, I felt helpless.


I decided I had to take things into my own hands. I had to stop this from turning into a war.

The whole point was to debate instead of fight

I rushed forward between the two men. I raised my hand and the music I had prepared began to play.

It was Madhuris number from 'Devdas'. Maar Dala.....

I swayed in between the two huge men. Pointing to one then to the other as the song played on

'Maar Dala...' I mouthed the words of the song sexily as I danced like an idiot between these two terrifying men

Suddenly the room exploded with laughter. Both men laughed till their stomachs ached !

Everyone heaved a huge sigh of relief.

Even I managed a painful smile

A major disaster had been averted !

But after that I decided it was so much easier to be an actor than a debater

Soon the debating game became so popular that they found an Iraqi compere who could speak the local language.

But even today whenver the debate gets too heated and out of control, the strains of 'Maar Dala ...' flow through the studio and the countryside. And then the guffaws of laughter follow.

Debating and 'Maar Dala......' have brought peace to a war torn country

hi uncannybal,

i never heard such thing before ,if it is true then it is good thaT THERE WOULD BE NO WARS AND WORLD WOULD BE IN PEACE.
UR NARRATION IS really good. and mostly the timing.....to use mar daLA Song at the right time,
bye,
shashi.

Hi Santosh
Poor you...........between the warlords...............
That was a wonderful piece had a good laugh..............feeling sorry for your condition between these guys.......So now a day debating and maar dala goes hand in hand..........haha
So from a shy student you become a good debater and now an actor????
Good write up.............keep it up

Hey UNCANNYBAL,

Good post , good humour, Loved reading the growth from the school to Iranian battles.

If only battles were that easy to solve the world would be a dancing ground! Fun!!
Must say Madhuri faces a stiff competition! Hehehehe!!

Devika

Nice imagination, nice narration...
If solving the war is this much easy...sure many will adapt it...
So Americans are also behind this 'debate' ,mmm..

sriniketan

Shashi

Imagine if wars could be solved by ideas? How nice that would be.

Santosh
debate more fight less

Originally Posted by yenetishashi

hi uncannybal,

i never heard such thing before ,if it is true then it is good thaT THERE WOULD BE NO WARS AND WORLD WOULD BE IN PEACE.
UR NARRATION IS really good. and mostly the timing.....to use mar daLA Song at the right time,
bye,
shashi.

Welcome to IL Uncannybal.

Lovely post. Reminds me of the time our esteemed (you know who) neighbouring country famously said Kashmir le lo Madhuri de do.....

Poor you, dancing between the two war lords to the tunes of Mar Dala. Any chance it would have made it to "You Tube"? If so, could you please put in a link?

Awaiting more funnies from your pen

Regards,

Corallux

arunarc

Imagine being caught between these ruthless warlords whos only language is violence and revenge ! Their strength comes from their disrespect for life ! Yes I was a shy student and now act on stage without any stagefright. So that is really possible !

Santosh

Originally Posted by Arunarc

Hi Santosh
Poor you...........between the warlords...............
That was a wonderful piece had a good laugh..............feeling sorry for your condition between these guys.......So now a day debating and maar dala goes hand in hand..........haha
So from a shy student you become a good debater and now an actor????
Good write up.............keep it up

Hi santhosh,

enjoyed your narration...if only one cud preveent wars with madhuri and like....good to know that u have got over that initial stagefright and become an actor.....So your ms lalitha did do u good...Now let us hope she is no more a Miss....

Mindi

Devika

Glad you liked it ! Everything we are starts from school na? Then we find out what we are good at and blaze the world doing what we love ! (Ok most people just ignore what they were good at and do what gives them the most money i guess)

But this is how battles should be fought. Like all civilised countries fight economic battles in the realm of ideas

Santosh

Originally Posted by Devika Menon

Hey UNCANNYBAL,

Good post , good humour, Loved reading the growth from the school to Iranian battles.

If only battles were that easy to solve the world would be a dancing ground! Fun!!
Must say Madhuri faces a stiff competition! Hehehehe!!

Devika