The Single Child Syndrome

Dear Kamla,
I feel sorry for the girl who was definitely misled by her parents.What is the point in feeling sorry now,after the damage is done.But Iam a never say die person and hence pray that God helps that girl shows the right path and also help her find happiness in life.Iam a mother and I know what it is to hurt for one's child.
Kamla,I dont believe in the word 'fate'.(in my case if an astrologer says good things about my future I tend to believe him,if he says negative things then my common sense takes over and I say,"the astrologer is also a human being he can also make mistakes any how nothing bad will happen")Our life is in our hands.Common sense and the desire to see their child being truly happy should serve as beacons of light for the parents and they have to show them the right path,be strict with them if need be.
In 1982-86 we were in Pune.My younger daughter would pester me to allow her to go to The Main street the main shopping area and to a film with her friends,a mixed group.I used to be firm and tell her NO even if she cried a lot.
On another occasion we were leaving Pune and were going to Goa on transfer.The group of friends of my daughters were sitting down in the lobby and chatting.This younger daughter of mine came to me,showed me a beautiful pair of bangles that a boy presented to her as a send off gift.I looked at the bangles for a minute then told my daughter very calmly to return it to him and to tell him that she would always appreciate the kind gesture but she would not accept gifts from him.
She kept a sad face but went and returned the gift to him.
Four years back this daughter of mine was in the Nursing home carrying quadruplets and I was with her constantly.We used to chat a lot.On one such chatting session she told me,"Amma do you remember you never allowed me to go out with my friends to main street.At that time you looked to me like rakshasi , but now I feel that you did the right thing in not allowing a young girl to out in a big group where nobody would keep an eyeparticularly on her.
Do you also remember that you made me return those bangles to Vincent,now I appreciate your concern mother,when I am a mother I want to be a caring and careful mother like you".My day was made.I think this is the best compliment a mother can receive from her child.
Inthe case of parents with single child the onus is on the parents.They should show their kids the right way.
Thank you for the kind words Kamla,your words always inspire me.
mithila kannan

Dear Krithika,
Thank you dear friend words from friends like you motivate me to write more.
Dear krithika,while I agree with you that not only the single child all children would go astray if parents are not careful.Well my point is,in the case of a family where there are more than one child the parents' attention is divided among all their kids.Their love is shared by all.Not only that in this family the children grow up learning to share their things,hand me downs are so common,and they get used to hearing NO from their parents if their wants are beyond the parents' reach.
Quarreling,bickering,fights are all there and so are the love and affection among siblings and they stand by each other most of their lives.
In the case of the single child the child grows up alone and it is up to the parents to give them the right guidance and instill in them the desire to share,the way to make adjustments with others and not to be adamant about anything.

Dear veda,
Thank you for the kind words.I can not agree with you more on this issue.It is the parents'responsibility to guide their children.
My husband used to narrate to me an incident thst happened in their house when he was young.My husband is the eldest of 10 children.When my MIL served the chidren food(actually rationed out since the family was going thro a rough time)she used to give some extrs subji or food to my husband.One younger brother used to kick up a fight,"How can you give him more ?".My MIL used to tell the other kids I believe,"He is my eldest son.I am going to keep a large chunk of responsibility on his shoulders,what do I have to give him except an extra morsel of food?"and cry.Today by God's grace all the siblings are doing very well,but none of them have forgotten this incident and their bonding is growing stronger at their old age.This si a blessing of a family with many children.While I dont advocate large families ,I feel that a single child who misses out on the affection and care of siblings and the atmosphere where give and take is the order,the parents should be the child's friend and do the necessary bit to help the child grow up as a wholesome person.
mithila kannan

Dear Mam..
Another wonderful and worthy Post from you again Mithila Mam....

After reading your post I remember one girl she was my room mate in college... she was very STUBORN girl.. will not adjust for anything.. She often says I cant adjust with u all.... How can one expect the same in hostel as if in home.... Some times me and other girls in my room get irritated and also ridiculous seeing her act....She was the only child of her parents.. hope that had turned her to behave like this....

Love
brindha..

Thank you brindha,
Iam happy you liked the post.Children as well as adults have to adjustto different circumstances in life.It becomes difficult for the single child to make necessary adjustments if parents dont make the efforts to bring up the child properly.
mit5hila kannan

Mithila,
Well written on this syndrome...
Adamant children are everywhere and being a single child gives them more advantage.
But not all single children are like that you had mentioned in your last para...

I can proudly say that my parents made no mistakes like the parents whom you had mentioned earlier in your post....I am a single child to them...but I think I earned a good name in my inlaws family ..Hats off to them...

sriniketan

My dear sri,
Yes.I agree .Not all single children are a badly brought up lot.There are many jewels like you,they shine and bring cheer arund.
Thank you sri for the fb.
God bless you my friend.
mithila kannan

dear mithila mam,

another educative post in the lesson called life from u...I too am a little scared of spoiling my only daughter...really cannot recall refusing her anything but she has never made any undesirable demand....quite a contented child from the beginning....We have made sure that she is in touch with all our relatives,cousins ..even now every diwali my husband will insist that she talk to all our uncles and aunts..i am happy to say that she has a firm head on her shoulders and generally listens to us unlike many other girls of her age......i can only say that it is our luck....hopefully one day she will say amma it is all because of your parenting.....(ur daughter wud have made your day by saying that)

Mindi

Dear Mithila,
Great Write up and who else other than you can call spade a spade..So many of my friends are single child to their parents and as you have rightly described , they are pampered to the core.Once into wedlock they feel that they do not have freedom to do things in "their way",either they end up in divorce or enter extra marital affairs to a person who pampers them.There is one girl who is refusing marriage because she does not want to serve her husband or in laws..i have more live examples.I sincerely wish that they and their parents read your words..such profound words..
Hats off to you.

hello mithila

a pampered single child
write up
there are other chain topics
to this single child bringups
while there are divorces
there are re marriages too
and more remarriages
if the second ones dont click?

we dont trust HIM?
when we DECIDE to have
just one or two?
this is mainly because
women have changed roles
they go to work
(i hope im not pulling a hornets nest here...!!)
while it has its advantages...
it brings home two salaries
and what do we do with two
when a house/fridge/two or more TVs
one or two cars perhaps a mobike too
is already there?
we spend on education on eat outs
on dress that would shame the entire
fashion industry...
and then we start pampering the kids
that starts from the beginning
making pooris when everybody is having chappathis
making crispy dosas when there are already
made dosas
(i have to say what my father would say when he was brought up(?) by his periappa at a remote village they used to make oru muzham dosai (meaning the nos can be measured with a hand...)for elders and old rice for kids esp my father...)
getting a suit when the weather demands just a banian and half pants..
this is just the beginning....that leads to what you are saying...
dont know if im right but i think a woman has more responsibilities in bringing up children...
went nodding all the way to your article...luckily my kids are affectinate understanding and helping kind...looks like we are different...!!

sathya