Retired or Not retired?

Dear Ac,

It is common alright!

These parents are the new age travellers from India to US...don't know about the other countries.

Parents come when their daughter /dil is having a baby, they come when the daughter /dil need baby sitters and they also come to get and maintain Greencards !

At the first instance, although it looks like they are here only to help, often enough they are here also because it is their wish. It seems to me like a visa to visit USA! Like it or not, there is this myth about the big beautiful America. What was once possible only for the very few learned or rich, is possible for every other householder in India.

The resulting chaos when they finally land here is a totally different story. We only have to peep into our own in-law/family forums to see what really happens, is it not?! Not to mention the problems the families face in case the parents are Not asked to visit. Both parties are hurt..parents and children.

Well, I don't want to make light of the situation you talk about in your initial post. There are many exceptions to the rule of course. But, such is the situation today with so many of our young people opting to live abroad and work and more often than not, support the families back home too.

It is a vicious circle.

L, Kamla

 

Dear Anandchithra,

You have stirred a wonderful topic here!!

This is a very common case these days with each trying to make a career . The parents have to bear the child rearing and like you said , it is definitely very strenuous to them.
I have known so many GP's habing to forvefully take up this task.Infact a very close family friend had to go through this. This uncle is in his late 70's and the aunt in her late 60's. Uncle has just undergone a bypss . The daughter is a doc in the US .Shes got 2 kids.Her inlaws and this couple take 6 months duty alternatively in reatin the kids ,as she doesnt have the time. Now this uncle just confessed to me that this is the limit. ,"When do we live for ourselves . All through our life we have been struggling to raise our children and then in our old age when we want to relax , the kids hand over their grandchildren to us, and we are left with no option. They do not get maids in US and the salary is very high to pay so the easiest way is to catch your parents for this. We now combine as servants, babysitters and Grandparents, Horrible existence" . I was shocked to hear him because generally he is a very calm person and then I relised the seriousness of the situation.
A friend of mine a Manager of an IT company just told me the other day, "My Mom stays with me. She cooks ,and takes care of the baby. If I were to keep a maid she would charge me a whopping Rs.4000" I was ashamed of her to say the least and when I looked at Aunty she was almost working like a maid.

Its a very sad state AC. And when these efforts are not lauded then the world is a living hell. I hope these youngsters realize what they are doing and make some effort to easen the lives of their parents rather than burdening them.
Oh AC such a topic I could go on and on ,but I would not outstay my welcome!

Love,
Devika

 

Nce topic AC,have seen so many such cases in our families...usually parents are very thrilled to go the first time but with age many of them prefer that their son/daughter visit them...who wud want to go leaving the comforts of their own homes and stay in a foreign country with both their children working the full day and they ending up doing all household chores...But it wud be nice if children staying abroad sent the visas and tickets to their parents without expecting anything in return.......then it wud be a wonderful holiday to the elderly ,make them feel wanted and normally parents will always help in any way they can ......

Mindi...

 

A very apt topic with the scenario today.

As Kamla said that it is both ways...but normally i have seen that parents are excited the first time when they visit US.

But if the children are calling them to help them with their kids and home...then i am sure its wrong on their part, specially if the parents are aged (mid sixties and above). We also know that many parents find it very difficult with the harsh winters which they are not used to here, the work load of managing kids and home, not able to go out on their own etc etc.

Even in India we are seeing the same scenario and hence parents are now opting to live away from their children...so that they don't have to lead their lives on the whims and fancies of their kids.

 

Dear Ac,

This is the topic which I always argue. When parents have finished their quota of children rearing why again pester them ? They can certainly help us when needed like somebody is sick etc but not on a regular basis.

We have a friend, where the lady was working as a full time and successful teacher. When her daughter delivered, she was there to help her and she has become the care taker of the child. The child also relates to her very well and calls her amma. This lady had to live with dd & sil and her dh lived in a far off place as he was working there.

My question is to earn few money more by the youngsters why they are troubling the senior citizens. At that age to baby sit is also extremely difficult, to run behind the child and feed them after that too get only brickbats by DD & SIL. Is it all necessary for a few dollars more? The mother does not have a rapport with the child. In climbing the corporate ladder, where are we heading?

Myself had to wait for 12 yrs, so that my kids go to school for full time after that I joined for a job so that my inlaws will not have that much of pressure in looking after them.

 

Dear Chitra,

I have very strong views on this topic.

The couple is stupid in calling over the parents, and the parents, rather the grandparents ,GP in short, are equally stupid.They should put their foot down.
I see so many grandfathers taking their grandchildren to schoole very morning.Why ?

When u give birth to children, it is yr duty to take care of them, whether u work or not.If work is so important, why give birth ? Wait till u have made more money, then sit at home and give birth to children.

I would never ever do this for my daughters, unless it is an utter emergency, then i would do anything.Not on a duty basis.

I have seen many cases of neighbours here who are on rent next door.Same problems, both working, and when kids fall sick, parents of either are called over.

that is a shame.If u want to work, then dont produce children,and if u do, dont leave them at the mercy of cretches, maids or GP's.

And GP's must take out their attachment to grandchildren.And learn to say no.We all have our own lives to live,not to babysit our grandchildren.Simple and Bitter Truth.

Regards.kamal

 

dear AC,
there is only a difference of calling to america, but here in most houses once the father retires he stays with the children and of course when the children come home from school it is tough on the aged parents to worry but otherwise i think it is healthy for the relation of the children, they get someone to talk to, worry abt as to why he is late and so on, i had been a home maker all my life so took care of all my sister's and brother's children along with my mother, the bonding is so much i enjoy nowadays.

anything u look at it as duty then there wont be anything but duty but if you feel for the children then i am sure u will love the interactions a patti or perimma gets to hear the inner secret very fast, i know about girlfriends which their mother may not know, so like this it is a matter how u project this issue, if you feel not it is not my duty then fine, but in the process u get the bonding of your grandchildren which cannot be bought with money, why even american lifestyle will not keep u there, the pangs of close relative is always there..

give me an example of who does not face problems bringing up children, if the son and daughter feel that the parents are not eligible for this then they can get a house maid and allow the parents to supervise, the children will grow under the supervision still be around and the parents can live without much worry..

if my family needs me i would defenitely opt to go and help out, even if the children are growing i would help them. all these apprehensions are when health fails,and unable to help out then pressurising them is bad..

krishna ramannu kovil kovilaa ponalum bandham vittu poghadu..it is there till death, only ur physical inability will bring about thoughts of so many whys and men also think that way, the way a father will not want to commit but the mother will always feel aiyo pavam dont say that...these are my views..sunkan

 

The title of the thread is very apt. I too often ponder over this aspect. These days moving abroad have been the norm and in my opinion it is the old generation who are at receiving ends. With single income and many responsibilities of their sisters/brothers, family and parents they have fulfilled whatever was possible. This generation (I belong to) however with double incomes and in dollars, fewer responsibilities to fulfill still does not allow the older generation to have a peaceful retired life. There are many grand parents who are thrilled to visit US for first time but later on as they age do not wish to travel and spend time their. But still, can’t refuse to travel just to be care takers of their children families in the disguise of spending time with grand children. Parents for sure will be willing to help their children whenever it is required but as a duty and taking turns and staying in a different country where they do not have their own lives, they may not be doing it out of their own wish. Have they retired from one phase and have taken up new job as caretakers? Few days back, we came across an instance where a 55 yr old lady went to US to assist her daughter. She could not stay there due to extreme cold conditions and she had to return back. Within a week’s time the lady expired. What is that this generation going to achieve, a luxurious electronically gadgetted house at the cost of most valuable and delicate phase of parents lives. Probably they realize only when they reach that phase when they find that they have been running all the while towards materialistic things and have not provided any peace to their parents.