Retired or Not retired?

dear Chitra,

Thanks for yr kind words.

Tell me do our children ask us before they produce kids ?Do we give them guarantee that we will come and take care of their kids ?

I am the last person to tell my daughters to have kids.Bcs then they might say, Dad u said, so now take care.

They say advise and salt must never be given unless asked for , and that is what i follow.

I would prefer to blog here than to babysit.Regards.kamal

Dear Sunkan,

I liked your reply and agree with you totally.
It is very true that grandparents too enjoy their children and grandchildren.
In my own case, I love smothering my grandkids and myself with this love and at the same time do not have to bear the responsibilities !
But then, there can be insensitive children that take their parents for granted and use them for selfish purposes too. It can go either way.
Surely a tricky situation, one has to tread carefully provided one has choices?!

L, Kamla

Originally Posted by Kamla

Dear Sunkan,

I liked your reply and agree with you totally.
It is very true that grandparents too enjoy their children and grandchildren.
In my own case, I love smothering my grandkids and myself with this love and at the same time do not have to bear the responsibilities !
But then, there can be insensitive children that take their parents for granted and use them for selfish purposes too. It can go either way.
Surely a tricky situation, one has to tread carefully provided one has choices?!

L, Kamla

dear kamla,
happy u dropped in with ur comments tell me who does not have problem with kids, i have known a child left with me because her parents were in a hill station and a tenth standard one, every day puliyakaraikkum vayathiley good lord inda ponnu yenna pannumo she was too beautiful and fair for words, will walk around in too tiny shorts with all her legs showing away taking our poms for walk, the entire neighbourhood was with me, aunty why u have to take care of her in the first place, and so on, some how one year went by, and she got too bonded with me, i kept telling no phone calls no unnecessary guys coming and so on, which i never had to do for my own kids as we keep teaching them young how to handle, so otherwise see what is happening all over,

drugs, rape and unnecessary developments of booze and so on..that is y felt even if the grand parents are not directly connected but still around, it is our generations, naamba anachu potta daan later they will think twice about old age home, i know there are cases even after a good care they leave them, like my uncle who got married now at 77 because his children refused to take care of him in old age, so rare things do happen, if we can help out fine illena irukkavey irukku life..sunkan

Originally Posted by Kamalji

dear Chitra,

Thanks for yr kind words.

Tell me do our children ask us before they produce kids ?Do we give them guarantee that we will come and take care of their kids ?

I am the last person to tell my daughters to have kids.Bcs then they might say, Dad u said, so now take care.

They say advise and salt must never be given unless asked for , and that is what i follow.

I would prefer to blog here than to babysit.Regards.kamal

Dear friend Kamal
Trust when I say I have taken too much criticism for this way of thinking.. when my kid was born and my husband and I decided we will do the job ourselves..that is bringing up the child.. both mother and mil told me I was toooooo lazy to get up and go to work.. and its easy to stay at home...and so much more.. some mothers expect their daughters to hold on to high powered jobs that they do put a lot of pressure for this reason..
On the other hand if the parent loves to babysit then its o.k. Almost ALL the families I have seen the parents personal life is messed up when they transplant themselves to do this "job"... Actually parenting itself is a full time job!
I love your last line.. I too would prefer to blog than babysit..especially since I did do my part.. and trust me its not all its jazzed up to be:)

Originally Posted by Kamla

Dear Ac,

It is common alright!

These parents are the new age travellers from India to US...don't know about the other countries.

Parents come when their daughter /dil is having a baby, they come when the daughter /dil need baby sitters and they also come to get and maintain Greencards !

At the first instance, although it looks like they are here only to help, often enough they are here also because it is their wish. It seems to me like a visa to visit USA! Like it or not, there is this myth about the big beautiful America. What was once possible only for the very few learned or rich, is possible for every other householder in India.

The resulting chaos when they finally land here is a totally different story. We only have to peep into our own in-law/family forums to see what really happens, is it not?! Not to mention the problems the families face in case the parents are Not asked to visit. Both parties are hurt..parents and children.

Well, I don't want to make light of the situation you talk about in your initial post. There are many exceptions to the rule of course. But, such is the situation today with so many of our young people opting to live abroad and work and more often than not, support the families back home too.

It is a vicious circle.

L, Kamla

my very beautiful friend Kamla
You write as beautifully as you are! I am so glad you have been able to outline the reality in a very nice and pleasant manner.. It is the reality today.. The only time I feel bad about it is when the youngsters abuse their hold over their parents.. trust me when I say its too tiring sometimes to make the flight.. and when I heard that these aged couple are coming "AGAIN" all the way to do their "job"...I started this blog right away.. it always helps to put things in perspective..dont u think?

Dear AC,

I know of this situation....have heard it all in our families also. Sometimes the GPs dont mind , if they are healthy etc .But if they are forced or made to feel that it is a duty or like Sundari said, the moms are emotionally blackmailed
(mothers do feel more, even if they cannot do the work, the agree!)....these are wrong and very selfish of the sons or daughters to use parents for their selfish reasons......
My daughter always say that she will get married and settle down with me only or next door and i always tell her....please i dont want to baby sit her and her hubby too....i want my retired life with just hubby with me....and she calls me Selfish......but all said and done when she calls for Help i am sure my hubby will be there first....i can already see that happening when she comes only on the weekends too!
I wonder if i will RETIRE OR NOT!?

Dear AC,

Great topic...Its quite a predicament.But i personally feel that GP's get to decide if they want to do it or not and shud not be forced.But, on the otherhand,taking care of Grandkids is sheer pleasure.I'm so attached to my Matenal Grandmom for she took care of me when my mom had to work...Not out of compulsion but out of love.
So,It’s a matter of how adept they(GP) are at juggling hats - do it out of love or do it when forced...

Dear Aishu
Very well said.. Its always a pleasure for grandparents and grandkids to enjoy each others company.. I think the only time the equation differs when the grandparents health isat stake..

Originally Posted by sudhavnarasimhan

Dear AC,

I know of this situation....have heard it all in our families also. Sometimes the GPs dont mind , if they are healthy etc .But if they are forced or made to feel that it is a duty or like Sundari said, the moms are emotionally blackmailed
(mothers do feel more, even if they cannot do the work, the agree!)....these are wrong and very selfish of the sons or daughters to use parents for their selfish reasons......
My daughter always say that she will get married and settle down with me only or next door and i always tell her....please i dont want to baby sit her and her hubby too....i want my retired life with just hubby with me....and she calls me Selfish......but all said and done when she calls for Help i am sure my hubby will be there first....i can already see that happening when she comes only on the weekends too!
I wonder if i will RETIRE OR NOT!?

dearmost Sudha
I doubt if we women can ever retire.. if not babysitting grandkids theres always the every present hubby:)
I too can hear me being called selfish.. but as you so rightly said we will be the first ones there... its just that we want to live too:) maybe its too much to ask these days.

Originally Posted by sunkan

dear AC,
there is only a difference of calling to america, but here in most houses once the father retires he stays with the children and of course when the children come home from school it is tough on the aged parents to worry but otherwise i think it is healthy for the relation of the children, they get someone to talk to, worry abt as to why he is late and so on, i had been a home maker all my life so took care of all my sister's and brother's children along with my mother, the bonding is so much i enjoy nowadays.

anything u look at it as duty then there wont be anything but duty but if you feel for the children then i am sure u will love the interactions a patti or perimma gets to hear the inner secret very fast, i know about girlfriends which their mother may not know, so like this it is a matter how u project this issue, if you feel not it is not my duty then fine, but in the process u get the bonding of your grandchildren which cannot be bought with money, why even american lifestyle will not keep u there, the pangs of close relative is always there..

give me an example of who does not face problems bringing up children, if the son and daughter feel that the parents are not eligible for this then they can get a house maid and allow the parents to supervise, the children will grow under the supervision still be around and the parents can live without much worry..

if my family needs me i would defenitely opt to go and help out, even if the children are growing i would help them. all these apprehensions are when health fails,and unable to help out then pressurising them is bad..

krishna ramannu kovil kovilaa ponalum bandham vittu poghadu..it is there till death, only ur physical inability will bring about thoughts of so many whys and men also think that way, the way a father will not want to commit but the mother will always feel aiyo pavam dont say that...these are my views..sunkan

anbu sundari
onru chunnalum nanru chunnergal... so very well said.. The bonding is obviously the key word here.. and glad u pointed it out. There really can be no substitute for a grand parents love for the grand children.. and I can see why grandparents come running to see their kids.. the ayyo pavam factor too plays a role.. thanks for sharing your views and opinions here:)..