How do I Forgive ?

Inspired by Malspie, I am writing this here to get all of your valuable suggestions.

We are two to our parents. Myself and my elder brother. We were a close knit family but always in need of more money even for the basic necessities like good clothing. My father's family consisted of 11 members and my father had to contribute from his meagre salary of Rs.500/- for his sister's wedding, brother's education as he was considered the eldest. So with two kids and a rented house it was very difficult manage to make both ends meet. We used to get borrowed dress from cousins to wear. My brother is very tall to meet his growing demands all my uncles used to give their pants which were duly altered and made fit for him to wear. We used to wait for a new set of dress which ultimately would be purchsed during diwali and whenever we used to visit Chennai for any social functions. Because, all said and done relatives just cannot keep quiet if somebody is wearing a slightly faded or torn dress. That is the time we are taunted or ridiculed as if we are spending all the money very lavishly.

Slowly my uncles were settled in life and situation started changing. All my parents hopes were on my brother and he inturn never let them down. Used to work very hard and top the class. As for as me studies just would not enter my hard head and I was an average student. This was my major drawback leading to unhealthy comparison and myself developing a big inferiority complex. My brother finished his PUC (+2) with flying colours and was admitted to an Engineering college in Mysore on merit. So no donations etc. Here he worked quite hard and was always the I in the class. I also passed my PUC with good marks (for a change) and I was bent on doing some interior decoration courses after doing my B.Com. But dad's financial situation also was not that good as we had to send money to my brother for his lodging and studies expenses. So, I used to work during all my summer vacations as a summer Trainee for a meagre amont of Rs.500/- which was very much needed by the family. Finally my brother passed his Engineering course by geeting 6th rank in the university and I also passed out of my B.com and took up a job immediately. My brother was also selected from the Campus Interview in a leading Automobile Industry (where my father was working) All were happy so that atleast money will not be a problem.

Oneday we had a meeting of sorts and decided to construct a house on a plot which was gifted to my mom from her mother in Chennai. The construction began and in no time it was over also. Now, my father's major salary went for the loan and we depended on my brother's salary for our livelihood. And now the bomb exploded. My brother announced that he will be joining Chinmaya Mission and would not be interested in this Samsara. Father being a heart patient, I just cannot understant how he took it. All were worried no amount of cajoling, threatening would budge him and he resigned his job and went to Mumbai to join the brahmacharya course. The day he left I & dad went to the bus stand to see him off and I could see my father so dejected in life, his shoulders drooping even now I start crying. Now the whole attention was on me as I had play the role of a son & daughter. Slowly wounds start healing a bit and we were returning to normalcy. Father took a VRS to perform my marriage and one fine day the Prodigal returned. No reasons were given but we accepted him. He never took up a job but had plans to take the Yellow robes (the stage before Sanyasa). We were so naive that we could not understand his intentions. After my marriage, father started business and he was doing very well and that was the Golden Period. My brother was initiated into yellow robes and was serving in a place near to Bangalore and he was initiated on a day when my father was admitted seriously in a hospital. My father and mother lived all alone and my father's business also progressed well. My father then decided to sell the house he had built in Chennai and buy a property in Bangalore. Everything was done gruhaprvesh was also done but suddenly my father's busines suffered as the world economy also had a setback. All fine things came to an end. With these worries and no money, his health suffered a lot and he had to sell the house he had lovingly build. With the proceeds he went for an Angiogram for his heart problems and he was discharged also. In the meantime, my dh decided to raise a upper storey in my FIL's house and my father was the key person to draw a well laid plan with all the basic amenities, talk to the engineers etc. he was a pillar of strenth to me with all his advices. The day we started to lay the brick, my father was undergoing Angiogram (thursday) and on Friday he was discharged with an advice for a Bypass. On saturday morning, we get up to find him gone.........for ever leaving me & my mother.

Till the day he was in the hospital, he used to ask for my brother as to whether he had come to see him. Now, seeing my parents undergoing so much of pain I just could not forgive my brother. If at all he had been a dutiful son atleast father would have gone with some peace. Though now I have decided not to hate any body and only spread Love across..........but this one person I am not able to FORGIVE? What am I to do. I am feeling very guilty though now he is staying with my mother and mother is also not so happy with him.

Can you people help me?

Dear Lalitha,
Iam pained to read this post about how much your parents, your father and mother seemed to have done the best possible in the given circumstances for your brother. But in turn he did something, though not unheard of, not easy to digest either knowing fully his family was banking on him. Maybe the fact that you were witness to all the pain that your dad went thru physically and financially has made you bitter towrds your brother. Have you met him after your dad passed away? He has not been around when he was needed the most, but your cutting off from him is not really going to help not that he is no longer a part of the family.Time can heal and make us realise a lot of things in retrospect. Wait till you meet him and then decide, take care.
This is what I could think of.

relax lalitha,
bygones are bygones and come to terms with life, each one is destined to face certain things that is y the other person behaves so, so try to cool off i know it is tough but then do not spoil ur health with it, the more u go on an anger spree your blood is drawing all the negative elements so save urself the future which u deserve well, forget about the past and also may be ur brother regrets and is not in a position to tell that...sunkan

Dear Lalitha,

I am sorry to hear from you. Duty comes first, then God.

These words are from Veda - Matha, Pitha, Guru, Deivam.

God had taken the last place in the life. He needs to realize that first. Forgive and Forget is a human value.

But there is no use of introspecting whether to forgive him or not. Would your Dear father come alive? But your brother has to feel for his deeds. You make him do that. Atleast your mother will be happy if he turns worthy.

Dear Janani,

Incidentally my eldest daughter is also named as Janani.

Thanx for coming in. My brother is now presently staying with mom in Bangalore. So I do have lot of interactions (maybe the interactions are not too close or elaborate) but the way he talks to my mom and gives his is what pains me more. Though on one side we are happy because he is atleast physically present there at this age, so that he can take care of her during emergencies.

Your Fb mean a lot to me.

Dear S,

Thanks for coming in to give your valuable fb. All said & done, I can understand Time is a great healer but with the passage of time, Iam not able to forgive him nor forget the agony as a family we had to undergo. I had forego even my ambition to take my interior designing and beautician courses just to help my family going with the meagre salary I earned.

Dear Vanaja,

Thanks for dropping in here. I agree with you totally but we cannot trun back the clock. Beacuse he has taken up this lin very seriously and I doubt whether he can come back. Maybe we are destined like this !

Hi Lalitha,
That is indeed a very painful situation. It is easy to tell forgive & forget.
When it comes to self, it breaks us apart.
But, please wait.....
Time is the healer, time moves on.
Time dosen't wait for anyone....
The purpose of parents having more than 1 kid is for the kids to share happiness & sorrow among themselves.
(not to be left out during any time)
No parent would like to see any hard feelings amongst their kids.
Hence , I suggest you not to cut off your relationship from your brother totally.
With what I've understood from your writing, I feel that your parents, particulary, your father
did wish to see his son re-joined in the family.
Also, it is your duty towards your father to help his son to lead a normal life with all the love & care.
May god be with you during all times

hi lalitha

I do understand how u feel about your brother...but to err is human ....be divine and forgive him....at least to the extent of not bearing any grudge against him...he too must surely be repenting...and one day hopefully u become close enough to find out what prompted him to take such a step...after all i think it requires great guts to renounce all worldly pleasures and take sanyaas at that age...

Mindi

Hi Lalita,

If you can go by the phrase...whatever happens is gods wish/plan for us...then you will not feel so bad as it is the almighty who makes us dance to his tune.

So don't harbour any hard feelings for your brother or do/say anything otherwise...lest he is forced to go away again. Maybe he will realise his mistake and more than make up for it.

See the positive side of the whole thing and erase all the fears...as far as forgive n forget is concerned...leave it to god he will take care of the p&L a/c and the balance sheet.

I think this was discussed in an other thread too earlier somewhere.

Roopa.