Seeking A Father Figure In Your Husband??

What do we seek in a spouse?

I have seen many a time that most woman seek for their father figure or brother or an uncle in a man that they want to settle with, and most times this becomes the base for many dissatisfied arguments
And the same applies to the man also he also seeks his sister or mother in a woman that he is to marry.

Father is a figure who most time one sees after he has settled down in his life and made life easy for us, that is we have most basic things needed and may be a little more too, but to expect the man to be equally well placed when he is just into his job for may be 4 to 5 years and expecting him to have an experience and all amenities of a 40 or 50+ yrs is not right

The same applies to a man thinking that his wife should know all the stuff his mother knows, is his mother’s age and experience none keep in mind, they are so used mother having a ready made answer driving his ego so high that he belittles the little girl just stepping into the threshold of life, like the cooking not up to the mark or anything to do with the house not appreciable and so on..

Some men start from scratch when they get married like from a tv and then a fridge and other necessities needed and to accommodate the outings and the contributions in the home is a little tough until u plan well and both working…

The matured image a father carries is most times the best for the girls and men have a tough time pleasing them, and unable to realize what is inside her mind they keep trying to do many things to make her happy but not in the right manner as she has already framed a picture in her mind about her parent…

The same applies to men also they want a wise girl like their mother which all take time to grow and with age all these will come across but to expect everything when too young bring about a lot of unnecessary argument and the time to please each other in a loving manner goes for a toss imagining the parent characters in their spouse….

sunkan

Dear sunkan,
That is well said.Reminds of my younger daughter and her attachment and admiration for her father.According to her ,her father is the most conventionally handsome looking man to quote her,he is the most intelligent man,the kindest man so on and so forth.She got married Fortunately her husband,our son in law has all the qualities she looked for in her life companion,ie he is a self made man,an achiever,a family oriented person.After marriage when ever she had a reason she would tell her husband,"CP(Chakrapani},you talk just like my father,my father would have said the same thing,I think my father and you must have been twins in your previous births "etc.My son in law, being a patient person who loves his wife a lot, would just smile on hearing her words of praise comparing him with her father.One day when she made a similar remark about her father and he thinking in the same manner,he turned around and said with a smile on his handsome face,"That is very nice Sangheetha,but please dont look at me as a father figure".My husband and I standing nearby,laughed our hearts out.

mithila kannan

Originally Posted by sunkan

What do we seek in a spouse?

I have seen many a time that most woman seek for their father figure or brother or an uncle in a man that they want to settle with, and most times this becomes the base for many dissatisfied arguments
And the same applies to the man also he also seeks his sister or mother in a woman that he is to marry.

Father is a figure who most time one sees after he has settled down in his life and made life easy for us, that is we have most basic things needed and may be a little more too, but to expect the man to be equally well placed when he is just into his job for may be 4 to 5 years and expecting him to have an experience and all amenities of a 40 or 50+ yrs is not right

The same applies to a man thinking that his wife should know all the stuff his mother knows, is his mother’s age and experience none keep in mind, they are so used mother having a ready made answer driving his ego so high that he belittles the little girl just stepping into the threshold of life, like the cooking not up to the mark or anything to do with the house not appreciable and so on..

Some men start from scratch when they get married like from a tv and then a fridge and other necessities needed and to accommodate the outings and the contributions in the home is a little tough until u plan well and both working…

The matured image a father carries is most times the best for the girls and men have a tough time pleasing them, and unable to realize what is inside her mind they keep trying to do many things to make her happy but not in the right manner as she has already framed a picture in her mind about her parent…

The same applies to men also they want a wise girl like their mother which all take time to grow and with age all these will come across but to expect everything when too young bring about a lot of unnecessary argument and the time to please each other in a loving manner goes for a toss imagining the parent characters in their spouse….

sunkan

Originally Posted by mithila kannan

Dear sunkan,
That is well said.Reminds of my younger daughter and her attachment and admiration for her father.According to her ,her father is the most conventionally handsome looking man to quote her,he is the most intelligent man,the kindest man so on and so forth.She got married Fortunately her husband,our son in law has all the qualities she looked for in her life companion,ie he is a self made man,an achiever,a family oriented person.After marriage when ever she had a reason she would tell her husband,"CP(Chakrapani},you talk just like my father,my father would have said the same thing,I think my father and you must have been twins in your previous births "etc.My son in law, being a patient person who loves his wife a lot, would just smile on hearing her words of praise comparing him with her father.One day when she made a similar remark about her father and he thinking in the same manner,he turned around and said with a smile on his handsome face,"That is very nice Sangheetha,but please dont look at me as a father figure".My husband and I standing nearby,laughed our hearts out.

mithila kannan

very true mithila,
all of us go through these phase and many keep comparing and my life too had similarities so felt nowadays girls are more prone to this and if they could analyze about this may be they would each give space for the other to grow..thanku for dropping in here..sunkan

Dear Sunkan,

A very thought provoking post. Yes many a times I have seen women wanting to marry someone who has the qualitites of their father or comparing their husband to their father and the same can be said about men finding qualities of their Mother in their wife.
I guess it is very unfair to do so. Why just the father I have even seen women comparing thier husbands with those of their friends, sisters , neighbours and going on a fault finding spree. The same is vice versa too where husbands compare their wives to their mothers ,sis all the other's wives they know.It is totally unacceptable.
Each person comes with their sets of good and bad and we must accept them with that. And anyway , the flaws of our parents are never discussed by their respective spouses and we are always on the defence if anything crops up, whereas a spouses slightest error is grossly highlighted . By the time we entered the world our parents have already overcome the initial teething problems and are at a different level. All is never hunkydory in life. You've got to make it work ,if you want it to work!
Infact I feel comparisons not only affect the relationship,it also stunts the growth of the person and he/ she eventually succumbs to inferiority complex.
True love can only blossom when there is space to grow and thrive and the journey of marital life is where you blossom from two tiny buds to a full bloomed flower each with its own fragrance.

Love,
Devika

Originally Posted by Devika Menon

Dear Sunkan,

A very thought provoking post. Yes many a times I have seen women wanting to marry someone who has the qualitites of their father or comparing their husband to their father and the same can be said about men finding qualities of their Mother in their wife.
I guess it is very unfair to do so. Why just the father I have even seen women comparing thier husbands with those of their friends, sisters , neighbours and going on a fault finding spree. The same is vice versa too where husbands compare their wives to their mothers ,sis all the other's wives they know.It is totally unacceptable.
Each person comes with their sets of good and bad and we must accept them with that. And anyway , the flaws of our parents are never discussed by their respective spouses and we are always on the defence if anything crops up, whereas a spouses slightest error is grossly highlighted . By the time we entered the world our parents have already overcome the initial teething problems and are at a different level. All is never hunkydory in life. You've got to make it work ,if you want it to work!
Infact I feel comparisons not only affect the relationship,it also stunts the growth of the person and he/ she eventually succumbs to inferiority complex.
True love can only blossom when there is space to grow and thrive and the journey of marital life is where you blossom from two tiny buds to a full bloomed flower each with its own fragrance.

Love,
Devika

Very true devika,
it is the time and phase that is different and not acceptable after living in a nice atmosphere or more or less to cook in a full fledged kitchen and then go start on ur own, u tend to miss oh this thenga choravi is not there, or if i had a fridge i could surprise him with making the fav somehting and so on, it is these teething which brings in the comparison, the man too expects an expert in the kitchen the minute a woman land up, but then some are lucky and i think however much u study or work one has to have some knowledge about the basics in kitchen, because these days if we have a husband who known cooking then one is in more trouble because to satisfy a man of that calibre is going to be tough the unknown are more easier...sunkan

Dear Sunkan
In the 1st sentence itself you have mentioned it so well if we see a father or bor or uncle figure in our spouse we are sure to be dissatisfied we should be like a friend, where we need to share such things which we cannot with father or bro.
I have see some of the friends too comparing each other with others wife or other husband which is not correct. We need to accept each other as we are. And respect each other what we are, instead of trying to find something that another person is having in our partners.
We all have problems in the beginning, it all depends how we have to make it work successfully.

Originally Posted by Arunarc

Dear Sunkan
In the 1st sentence itself you have mentioned it so well if we see a father or bor or uncle figure in our spouse we are sure to be dissatisfied we should be like a friend, where we need to share such things which we cannot with father or bro.
I have see some of the friends too comparing each other with others wife or other husband which is not correct. We need to accept each other as we are. And respect each other what we are, instead of trying to find something that another person is having in our partners.
We all have problems in the beginning, it all depends how we have to make it work successfully.

thanks aruna,
we all do have this,

it is too deeply imbedded and never surface until a doc or a psychiatric person put a finger over it, many i time u must have heard the man say what do you think i am ur father?? to go on pampering u...and even if you work at it, you can never beat my mom in this dish any day...now where is the girl going to make any effort at all, right, it happens..sunkan

Dear S & Mithila mami,

Well said and nicely said. I agree totally.

Times immemorial, for a daughter her father is the Hero. He can never go wrong and whatever he says is the Ultimate. The same way with men, Mothers are their super heroines and need to mention here abt the single son and his heroine (mother). and the way the poor wife suffers. (please be noted my case is also the same) but now it is the other way round. My DH prefers my way of working. Maybe his heroine has retired with old age. I think this situation cannot be changed. It is a universal phenomenon. Correct me if I am wrong.

Originally Posted by lalitha shivaguru

Dear S & Mithila mami,

Well said and nicely said. I agree totally.

Times immemorial, for a daughter her father is the Hero. He can never go wrong and whatever he says is the Ultimate. The same way with men, Mothers are their super heroines and need to mention here abt the single son and his heroine (mother). and the way the poor wife suffers. (please be noted my case is also the same) but now it is the other way round. My DH prefers my way of working. Maybe his heroine has retired with old age. I think this situation cannot be changed. It is a universal phenomenon. Correct me if I am wrong.

welcome lalitha,
this happens after a long time now we are looking here at young couples who keep having differences..sunkan

hi sunkan,
nice post and very rightly said... a girls first hero is her father...when we were newly married i too have felt so many times my father helps so much at home and my husband does not but now i think he has changed a lot and that nobody can take care of me as much as he.....
he too used to say in the beginning nobody can beat his mothers cooking and now when my daughter tells that I am the best..he agrees but claims that I learnt all that from his mother only...now what can i say to that..I will honestly admit to u that it is true ...

mindi