Is hospitality dead in India ?

Of late I am noticing that people in India or Bangalore specifically have let go of hospitality for kith and kin.
I have been out of the country for 30 years and appreciate hospitality as one of the greatest thing in our Indian culture.
When I go to India and call up my friends they will come over to see me whether in my relative's house or in a hotel. They don't say come over and have a meal with us etc. These are economically very well off friends.
How did it happen that we who are out of the country will cook for 30 people and invite them to our homes while in India in spite of servants in the house they won't invite us home ?

Do other people have a similar experience ? I would love to hear from them.

It is a state of mind. Economic viability is not the ruling factor. were our elders rich enough to be full of warmth and affectionate. They were rich in attitude. It is the attitude which matters .

This is not a tray incident. Even we living here sometimes face such painful situations. Some of my lady friends will be much annoyed with me if I express certain behavioural pattern that has become defacto.

Never visit a family during the viewer's and producer's Prime Time. Prime issues are being dealt by our great serial producers during that time. The issues dealt are so serious in nature some of us identify ourselves with those situations and stupid characters, we try to get few messages from those crap.
During those hours the presence of a guest is not desirable. . To say bluntly it will be a half hearted welcome with one eye and another ear glued to the idiot box.
This is not to criticise the viewer's taste. People visit others for some solace and interaction and the responses are very .
I avoid meeting people whom I know are serial oriented at that hour of the day.
Apart from hospitality we have lost some of our valuable and precious social ethos which kept the community connected.

We are becoming too artificial in our dealings. I will interact with a person as long as he or she is of some use to me. Our relations are shallow. Sometimes our shallow
thoughts provokes us to be like this.
But i don't intend to brand the entire population. I only mean some of us tend to behave conciously or unconsciously in ithis manner. But some of my observations really exist among us. Iam scared whether I would be branded as a frustrated element or a person who tries to see things through coloured glass. If we are sincere and give a sincere thought to these words of mine iam sure in the hearts of hearts you will agree with me. kanaka

As Kanaka has said,"Economic viability is not the ruling factor. were not our elders rich enough to be full of warmth and affection?" There are various factors involved in this matter. Life styles have changed over the passing generations. We have started aping western styles. Taking out guests for dinner is considered a matter of pride.
But one thing I have noticed is that this particular change has happened only in the south Indian upper-middle class community. Even now the north Indians have, to some extent been following our customs. (Or am I wrong?).
Then there is the break up of the joint family system which has made people selfish as well as self reliant/centred. Working women do not want to enter the kitchen even for their own family, how can they be expected to entertain guests at home? Another cause is unlike in the US not many husbands help out in the home front. Even working women have to balance home as well as work.
And yes, people have become addicted to TV serials.
People who move out of Southern regions to north or other countries do not give up their culture for the following reasons-
When abroad/away from our home town, we have to look for friends preferably from our own country to feel secure. We miss out on relatives and friends which we had back home. So the bonding grows between the new groups. Secondly, when we move out, we want to stick to our culture, if not for our own sake, for preventing unwanted criticisms from people back home or to maintain our Indian-ness. Also, we want our kids to be brought up in our home culture.
On the whole, it is the story of greener pastures on the other side! Instead of lamenting about lost values, let us take the positives of both the worlds-the east and the west. That is the best for all. The wheels will certainly make a full circle for the better in the future! Atleast that belief will give us some hope.

Dear Malathy Kannadakasturi and all,
You all said it in a very appropriate manner. Itis a normal household affair- Dispute over the rights of the dead soul. But yesterday I was reading the predicament over Gandhiji's ashes in HT I felt like saying about some more incidents.

As Malathy says it has become a fashion to take guests for a dine out . But I experienced this in Chennai all the more. They feel you lose time cooking in the kitchen. Instead why not go out and have a different variety of food.

Some of us like to serve food prepared by us however simple they may be. What i cannot tolerate is the TV mania with no concern for the finer feelings of people who visit us. Let me stop. If I say more Iam sure some of our members may not even read the post but DELETE1 kanaka

very interesting ladies
I have seen that too. Not sure why looks like change of trend maybe or change in priorities maybe?

I appreciate the feedback from some of you. I do agree that it seems to be more in the south than in the north. But the same people who will not entertain you will want to come and stay with us when they come abroad ! We have to take them sightseeing and shopping ! Has anyone who has gone home been taken
sightseeing ? No offer for cars for our use even for a day while we chauffeur them around, cook for them etc etc. Many of us are physicians who work outside all day but will whip up something for people and friends. And we don't have daily maid service !

So it must be the attitudes or the values that have changed not necessarily with times. Because hospitality is still a big part in many countries and cultures. It is lamentable that the culture that says Ahhithi devobhava in the same breath as pithru and mathru devobhava has moved so far out of this value system.

Offering a meal is in itself an act of affection and to become so dehumanized in such short time is the tragedy.

Dear Kasturi,
I am able to empathise with you especially about your mention of people from India when visiting relatives abroad, make use of their stay to the full extent, using the hosts hospitality to the stilt. But, back home they are an indifferent lot!Indeed it is very sad! The best way is to avoid such people in the future. We have to find solutions to our problems if we have to live a happy life. A hundred and one excuses can be given to prevent them from revisiting your place!
But coming to think of it , it is a sad change taking place in a land which had great seers shouting from the roof tops-"Mathru Devo Bhava,Pithru Devo Bhava, Athithi Devo Bhava!"
If people want to learn lessons the hard way, so be it!

Hai,
nice thoughts. You are saying about two different countries. Let me tell you my experience.
We are from Kerala and all our relatives are in Chennai. They all used to come to visit Kerala. My mother used to make all the delicasies liek coconut milk payasam (real work those days, extracting milk using the grinding stone), jackfruit halwa and the like. But not one person would ask her to send her children during the holidays. When we children became older, we put a full stop to it.
I got married and moved to Chennai 20 years back. My maternal uncles and many such close relatives live her. I expected them to invite me and hubby for the customary feast then, but not a sould invited me. Believe me, I have not been to any relative's home here for the feast as a bride.But I make ti a point to invite people for food whenever they announce their arrival or whip up a good spread if surprise visit. I never take into account about the person's past deeds, I want to stick on to being a person who feeds.
But one thing - my son needs special attention for studies and so we find it difficult when people come over during exam times. So we tell them with out hurting. If someone is hurt, then I cannot help.

Dear kannadakasturi,

I agree with you totally. In my younger days, we used to go to our family friend's place with my parents just for a tete. Talk to them but now nobody wants friends in their homes. Even if it is our relatives, we are not invited, If we are going there should be a reason to that. Offering a cup of coffee is a big thing leave alone lunch. As a new bride there was no invites nothing. We had been in Port Blair (Andaman Islands) for 2 years but there were friends galore who used to visit at the most inconvenient time without notice and we had to prepare such a feast. It is 3 yrs since we are back, I don't know where those friends are. Our children really miss out the part of socializing. If they are taken out it is only for pictures, parks etc not to any friends/relatives place. With this materialistic thinking where we are heading only GOD knows.

Dear Kasturi,

You have started a thread which is close to my heart.

Even i always discuss this with my husband. We entertain a lot and mostly at home as it is economical and viable. also at home you are at leisure and can spend some quality time together with the guests.

It is not necessary that we always have to prepare a lavish spread it can also be a couple of dishes too. But the important ingredient should be the love and warmth of the host.

As i mentioned that we entertain so much but i don't recall any of them inviting us over a meal either at home or outside.

But then as the 2 of us think...we do our deed and the one above will reward us.

People just don't have time for others seems to be the fad of the day. The kids are going to learn what they see...so i just wonder that already today the relations are so shallow what will it be tomorrow.

Warm regards
Roopa.