Which type of conversation is good forever?

Hello everybody,

We generally hear from people saying, "I am a very frank person, I just talk face to face whatever I feel."

Is this type of conversation is really good?

May be you are relieved from your mental agonies for sometime. But that doesn't give any sort of good identity to you in the long run.

I have been observing people who talk with patience win hearts. I feel we must control our words when we face accusations though we are correct.

When we live as a family, it is better we practice gentle speech implying others in a very polite manner that what they are doing is wrong.

I am learning this art and also realized very recently that my own father has been practicing it.

Hi vanaja

A very relevant topic in today's timei guess.

Ever since childhood i was the"good" girl... always patient and obedient and no answer backing/expressing myself directly in such situations.. But by the time i graduated i was so frustrated with the accumulation inside me that i wanted to break free and take a job somewhere far away to live my life anew and unrestricted. Well, that happenned as well and i got to the other side of the tunnel - became the girl who simply spoke her mind out most of the times; else it would just show up on my face..
And now, i have come to realise (specially after marraige) that actually there needs to be a balance,an equilibrium so as to prevent either of the extremes from harming oneself.

Just my experiences..

Charu..

I accept 100% Vanaja!
Always talking with patience ( is it always possible!) and using the right words at the right time and place to the right person, yield more desired results.
We can 'talk frankly--to the face' but we must be ready to accept other person's comment on us, which might be hurting, sometimes.

sriniketan

hi charu,

good that you have realized the truth. this quality helps us in many ways to come out of all our problems.

hi sriniketan,

it is a bit difficult to practice if we are not of that nature. but there is a possibility of making the conversation smooth, even after a wild argument.

it is nothing but just to accept our mistake and pacify the other person.

i have been practicing it sincerely. it is also better that we avoid facial gestures of non-cooperation, anger, hatred and not paying any attention to others conversation etc.

Dear vanaja,

Like every other thread of yours, this one is also very true, practical & down to earth!
Yes! I with you...even though I too use this dialogue ' to be frank you', I later on, regret about it. Actually, while speaking… many of us lack presence of mind, at that fit of a moment we end up being emotional & pour our feeling with blunt statement. Well, the intention may not be to hurt others but as you said it lacks gentleness & politeness.

Like you, I too should start developing the art of talking with patience.

Dear Vanaja,

A great thread indeed. One that is so relevant in today’s times – the art of good communication.

I agree with you Vanaja that a conversation must leave a pleasant feeling. Charu, I absolutely agree that there has to be equilibrium. Not too “in the face” neither too bottled up. Sriniketan, you are so right about being open to hearing out the other person’s comments also. Anushiv, you have correctly identified “presence of mind” as one of the essential qualities to carrying out a good conversation.

Just like most of you, I too am constantly on the lookout for ways to improve my communication and conversational skills because I believe that this is one of the most important trait needed to succeed in life - no matter what sphere of life it may be.

I follow these ground rules –
· Stay calm. Try not to lose my cool at any cost.
· What is the purpose of my conversation?
· What I am trying to achieve by making this conversation?
· What is my end goal and what is my second best end goal for this conversation?
· What is the best possible approach? Sometimes it could be being assertive, or being blunt (in a nice way!), or being pushy, or acting plain dumb!
· Detachment from the end result. Because sometimes no matter how hard I try or how good I converse, things will just not work the way I’d like them to.

While I absolutely agree that patience and politeness are the building blocks of any effective conversation I’d like to drill down a level deeper and share some thoughts at this level.

Going one level deep, I’d classify conversations into different categories. And I believe that based on the category of the conversation, the reaction he/she gives is determined.

I think that every conversation is usually made with a purpose in mind (even when we think that there is no real purpose!). Some conversations are for pleasure; some to have a good laugh, some to vent out and release frustration, some to complain (I think we all do that!), some for passing our time, gossiping and many various types. In all of these, the type of conversation determines our disposition and mood during the conversation. If we are trying to get a point across we may have to be more assertive. If we are trying to get some work done from a person who has been slacking, we will sound pushy (meaning we will look impatient). If we are trying to appease someone we will naturally sound very sweet! J So I think it is not always a good idea to pin ourselves down to “a” particular way of communicating.

From what I have learnt by observing people who have mastered the art of good communication is, that we must first recognize our inherent nature and our strong and weak areas. Then “customize” the general principles of good communication skills based on our inherent nature and use them accordingly. Some of us might be short tempered, some do not like to voice our opinions, some like to give the “silent treatment”. What we must focus on is strengthening our strong areas and toning down our weak areas. I think it is unrealistic to expect that some of our inherent tendencies are just going to vanish. But we can try to tone them down and try to avoid them getting in the way of a conversation. Instead, we should use our strengths to veer the conversation in the right direction. I have personally found this very helpful.

Thanks for reading this long drawn reply. Perhaps, my area for toning down could be "communicate in a succinct manner"! J

Look forward to more interesting replies from all my friend’s here..

SS

I like people who are straight forward! My definition of straight -- -- - is sincere opinion . Ofcourse the way it is expressed matters more than anything else' A small hurt can create ego problems and we may not succeed in our objective.(May be correcting something wrong). Intentions however good they may be need to be communicated in a way which will be appealing to the mind and the reasoning faculty.

Sometimes straight forwardness may not gain popularity. But it gives credibility to the person. People will definitely value the advice of such a peorson. kanaka

Hi Anushiv, SS and Kanaka,

You all have given a wonderful study on communication.

I remember a phrase said by a great saint that - You cannot always oblige, but you can speak obligingly.

When we take Mahatma Gandhi for example-

When Gandhi launched the famous Sathyagraha [non-violent, civil disobedience] movement as a part of the freedom struggle in India, he made it very clear that the struggle would be non-violent. However, some misguided people let their passions run away and burnt a Police Station, which resulted in the death of many Policemen. Gandhi was stunned; he did not expect this. Promptly he suspended the Sathyagraha, publicly declared that he had made a huge mistake - a Himalayan blunder as he called it - and then went on a fast to purify himself. And thus he obliged both in communication and the activity.


It is no surprise that Gandhi attracted and continues to attract admirers and even followers. Speaking on the occasion of Nelson Mandela's 85th Birthday, President Clinton said that in politics he admired no one more than Gandhi. Martin Luther King never saw Gandhi but he showed that Gandhi's principle of non-violence works even in modern times. And, in his own way, Nelson Mandela too demonstrated that non-violence is superior to violence.

taking an example of the republican candidates presidential debate:

Romney: Barack Obama is not the only one who wants to bring in change, in fact I am the one who personifies change.....

McCain : yes Mitt, you are for change (implying Romney is a flip flopper)

audience goes wild with a burst of applause.


here McCain's retort came with out even a bit change in either the tone (still nice and friendly), body language (still relaxed and at ease with himself and others) ......**presence of mind......*end goal......

emotion kills conversation, the other person either sympathises or blocks it out (on the good side) not necessarily agreeing with or receptive to what one is saying

· What is my end goal and what is my second best end goal for this conversation?
· What is the best possible approach? Sometimes it could be being assertive, or being blunt (in a nice way!), or being pushy, or acting plain dumb!
· Detachment from the end result.

excellent points....