Why this difference?

Sujatha,
I could say yes to your question. My husband's grandfather (my MIL's Chitappa who bought her up, educated her and got her married and who is one of the family) died 2 months back. And my husband decided that he is not getting new dresses and not celebrating Diwali. My daughter felt so bad and she said I want to burst crackers and get dressed for Diwali. Actually she has just started realizing the various festivals and the rituals behind the festivals. Just for her sake my hubby agreed to get new dresses and celebrate it as usual.

As Jaishree said the poojas should not be stopped; so he asked me to do it instead of he doing it on that day. Men are also starting to change when the families are getting nuclear.

hi sujatha,
I guess it depends to a great extent on the relationship and closeness one feels towards the deceased. As Raji has suggested in nuclear families things change nowadays. In those days when there was a death in one family the daughter of the family who is in a different gothram used to invite the family to their house and celebrate the festival. Hence the festivities are not stopped totally for the kids. Since ours is a patriarchal society this practice is followed it it were a matriarchal society it would be the other way round.
uma

Hi Dear ILites,

This is a nice thread and it deals with more scientific values rather than emotions.
Dear frds, these rules are not made by us now but these are being followed by our great........great grand ancestors long long back and I would like to appreciate their observations. You know during old days there used to be epidemics more often and people used to die more due to some or the other diseases. And during those times most persons used to stay in joint families, almost everybody stays together as they don't have to go away to different places as we do now for our jobs. To avoid contamination to other family memebrs our ancestors followed the SHRADH PURTI, an occasion during which all the family memebers used to stay in quarantine, they will not touch other villagers....they will eat simple diet without any spices etc and all these to keep them little healthy as u all know when we are ill, our immunity goes down and we eat more nutritional food like fruits/milk and cooked things without spices.
And they used to burn all the diseased persons clothings in order to stop the spreading of disease to other fellows as u all may be knowing epidemics like cholera.......TB etc were most during those days.......
Now, comes to the part why the married girl will not obey these, its again simple, because the married girls used to stay in In-laws house and she has less chance to be get contaminated, so she may not follow these rules.
Again comes the year lond ceasing of any festivals.........OK, it has two aspects again, one financial and other again scientifical.
Even if the family follows 12 days of quarantine, still there is a chance of some contamination/infection to other fellows who have not developed immunity towards these disease, so if they will come in contact with these surviving members, they may get contaminated, so the family of the dead stopped celebrating festivals as festival means get together and more spreading of disease. It is the scientific view......
Now, comes the financial aspect.........the family must have spent some money on diseased person for his cure, then the death rituals......and as most people during those days were dependent on agriculture, they had no hard cash like us.......so, they stopped celelbrating festivals to minimise their expenses and to strenthen their finances a bit.
Dear frds, during those days unlike now, the hospital facilities were not that good and vaccination........good medicine were not available as now, so these things have to be followed by all for their species survival.........it's only an adaptation to survive the adversities of disease.
Ok, now we have good facilities, so no need of us to stick these rules we may say........probably, I had lost some points.............during writing.........
So, please do not ever think that all these rules are due to male dominancy rather these are for our good only.........
Regards.

Dear Jaishree, Thanks for your interesting contribution. Good to know abt how it is being deal with in your place.

Dear Rajmi, Thanks for those nice words.

Dear Uma, Thanks for your nice reply.

Hi Sujata,

Its a good observation. What i would like to point out is there is nothing like girls family or boy's family.

Last year we had our house warming on Oct 25 2006. We had quite a few guests coming from outstation for the ceremony. Just 15 days before my Masaji passed away (maternal uncle). Now the question was with so many of my husband's relatives coming for the house warming function we were in a fix what to do as some of the relatives had already arrived. But my masi even in her grief (as my uncle's death was sudden) told us to go ahead as scheduled and not to postpone any function...so much so she instited my parents also attend the same and she also sent her youngest son & DIL for the opening.

In our generation we were the first one to own a house of our own (circumstances led us to shift to Pune from mumbai as we had to shift our work base) and everyone was very happy for us.

Also in our family they say that if some one has left for the heavenly abode after enjoying a great life here then you don't have to sulk much be happy ki is duniya se chutkara mil gaya aur jeevan ache se ji ke gaye.

We don't completely stop all celebrations as we go ahead with the rituals but avoid any show off.

Roopa.

Dear Sujatha

you have hit the sour string of each of our lives. And i have no reason to disagree to the absonance in such traditions

i would like to share a very heart-warming experience here - straying a bit from the subject though. My aunt was very upset on the birthday of her husband after his death. However, my cousin brother (her son) brought sweets and took her out for celebrations saying that his dad would always stay alive with them and they dont need to mourn/dampen the spirit of the day! Hats off to him.

Loved ones can never br forgotten!

Charu..

Dear Meeta, You have given a different point of view about the problem. Good it was nice to know the reasons. Thanks for responding.

Dear Roopa Thanks for peeping in . Nice to know about your experience. Your auntie is a great soul.