The memories of a monsoon

[JUSTIFY]It is Tuesday. Hubby left for work. My baby is sleeping. I am sitting alone in my flat looking at the opposite flats from my window. Will there be any other ladies in that building who is alone looking for a company like me? I always wonder.

My cell phone cried. It’s my mom. She calls me whenever I think of her. There must be something called telepathy between us. She told me it’s raining heavily there. Here it’s very hot and in kerala, it’s raining cats and dogs.

Monsoon…Even though my mom didn’t mean to remind me of him, thinking of the rain, he came to my mind. His innocent face… his smile… his cute little gifts…

We loved rainy seasons. Most of the children of our age used to hate rains. But we loved to get wet in the rain. We loved its music. We imagined the different moods of rain. He was the one who made me fallen in love with nature. Infact he was the guide of my life- The one who taught me the meaning of love, the one who taught me the joy of sharing, the one who insisted me to be happy always.

Whenever I was alone, he was there for me. He always had solutions to my problems. When I feel down, he was there for me with an all purpose hug. Some times he was like a parent to me, giving advice when needed; Some times he was like a friend, sharing all my feelings; some times he was just my loving brother…he was the world for me.

He loved to put music on very high volume. Some times we switch on music loudly and dance like crazy people till we get exhausted. The happiest moments in my life…he always said “life is too short to be spent worrying. So always enjoy every bit of life.” I enjoyed every bit of my life when he was there with me.

Bikes were his passion. He was crazy about its speed. Some times when I go out with him, I scream at him to reduce the speed. He will make fun of me for being such a coward. Then with a serious look on his face he will tell me “believe me, my bike wont cheat me. I have good control over my bike.” Like always I would believe him and I would go with him without the slightest fear.

Every thing was so perfect that day. When he went out he told me that he will be back in an hour. I believed him as always. I waited for him. Even after hours he didn’t come. News spread in our neighborhood that the eighteen year old teenager who had left for tuition met with an accident. Everybody knew it. But no one dared to tell me.

Many visitors came to my house. I was wondering why. But still I smiled and greeted them. One elder lady came to me sobbing. She took my hands and told me that he was no more. I shouted at her . How can she tell me like that? I grabbed his picture from my album and showed her. I told her to look at that picture. Was that him she saw lifeless? Was that him? I screamed again and again.

Every body made me sit in the bed. I saw my mom. She was sitting like a corpse. When she saw me she hugged me and started crying loudly. But I pushed her aside. I ran to my room and closed the door leaving every one outside. How can he die? He is just 18 years old. No, he is not dead. He is fooling us. How can he leave me alone like this? How can he leave his only sister? How can he break all the promises he made? He will come back with his usual smile. He can’t leave me alone like that. There was heavy rain outside the house. I hated rain for the first time in my life.

The next day he came home. Every body cried when he came home. I didn’t cry. I didn’t want to see him. It was not him. He won’t leave me like that. Somebody asked me to have one last look. I could never see him again. I went towards him shivering. He was lying there as if he was having a pleasant dream. He was covered with white clothes. There was the usual smile on his face. I felt as if my heart was being ripped out of my chest. I screamed. I asked him to wake up. I begged him not to go. But he didn’t hear me.

My whole world changed. I didn’t know what to do. All my happiness was taken away from me all of a sudden. I felt so alone. I asked god, why him? Why not me? I wanted to talk to him for one last time. I wanted to hug him and tell him how much I loved him. I wanted to tell him how much I missed him. But of course I couldn’t. He was gone. Thoughts of death occurred to me frequently.

I noticed my mom. She was taking care of our house as always. She was following her routines as if nothing wrong had happened to us. She prepared my favorite dishes and forced me to eat it. She lost her son. How can she remain calm like this? Had she never loved him?

I hold her hand and looked at her. Without asking anything, she read what was going through my mind. She sat beside me. She told me, “My kids are the most precious gift god gave me. Your brother is very special to me. It’s hard to think that I will never be able to see him. There are no words to describe it. I ask all sorts of questions to myself. Was I a good mom? Did I do everything I could have possibly done for him?” Her eyes got wet. “God has bigger plans for him. That’s why he chose to take care of your brother. He will never know any stress of life. He will always be remembered with love. We will always pray for him. Why should I worry about him when he is always protected by god? It’s like questioning God “.

That was the first time in my life I noticed how strong my mom was. She seemed like an angel to me. Tears rolled down through my cheeks. She brushed it away. She told me, “Not loving life is like not loving him.” She was right, not loving life is like not loving him. He was the one who taught me how to love every bit of my life. He was the one who always told me never to surrender before fate.

I started loving life once again. Whenever fate seemed to conquer me, I told myself that I will never give up.

It has been 5 years since my brother passed away. I got married and I have a daughter now. After becoming a mom, I always wonder how my mom managed to remain calm on that situation. I asked her about it when I last visited her. She told me, “I had already lost my son. I didn’t want to miss you too. I had no other choice.”

Life is about choices. You choose how you react to situations. You can never change your past. But you can change your attitude towards it. "When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always thinks twice, once for herself and once for her child." [/JUSTIFY]