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Mathru Devo Bhava, PDB and Inlaws Devo Bhava –Part 2

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by Sobhi, Jun 2, 2010.

  1. Sobhi

    Sobhi Senior IL'ite

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    Hello I’lites

    What do I say about my Inlaws….When I read about some of the painful experiences reported by fellow Ilites, I don’t see mine to be a major case but still a very disturbing.

    Me and my DH ( or our family) is the one that is sufficiently well placed compared to my SIL’s and BIL’s from my DH’s family. Now this is the root cause of the problem.

    My BIL is dearest son of my Inlaws. He was deeply in so called love with a girl and got married to her soon after B.com inspite of many warnings from my DH about the responsibilities he would be facing in future. DH wanted him to do master’s or any kind of specialization. As such he was a below average student in studies and DH felt it will be tough for me to succeed in this highly competitive world. Inspite of the resistance he got married and my Il’s setup his house with required things once he was married with their own expense. Till date 5 yrs from marriage with a 3yr old daughter, I have not seen him working more then 1.5 – 2yrs. Every 6 months he is in & out of a job. His Inlaws and my Ilaws support him financially. This is a person who completely doesn’t even know what the meaning of responsibility means.

    Coming to my Inlaws, due to this situation of my BIL instead of giving him proper guidance, they show extreme sympathy toward him and all the responsibilities come our way. BIL’s family used to stay opposite to our house, but whenever my Ilaw’s used to visit Blr picking up, drop, their entire stay, food everything was taken care by us. I had to cook in the morning before leaving for the job the entire meals for the day. All these 5 years my co-sister might have cooked for my inlaws not even ten times (Countable with fingers).

    Iam a person who strongly feel that it is necessary that son’s should be disciplined, taught to handle their responsibility.

    My SIL was married to her own maternal uncle. He earns as much as any Non-IT middle class person may earn. But she has high expectations from life. Want to lead a life not based on necessities but based on how others are living. Everything that is at my home she deserves to have. No issue with that, but my DH needs to buy her all that.
    Booking for her travel whenever she comes here, her shopping for kids……..etc etc all taken care by us. She was married at a very young age 19-20 yrs and already has 2 kids
    12yrs and 6 yrs. She is just elder to me by 2 yrs. <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:smarttags" /><st1:place w:st="on">Lot</st1:place> of responsibility and unable to afford luxury has made her a very pessimistic person.

    What can I do for all this.

    Does this mean if a person study’s well and earns more than others in family, he needs to distribute equally to all family member’s. Having children and providing education to them is an Investment ?


    My FIL has quite good savings, he can help his daughter if he wants. But no, my SIL feels that only bcz she was married away early my DH was able to study engineering and unfortunately now she is the looser. I aswell earn equal to my husband and have same qualification. These kind of nasty sentences of her make me go crazy.

    All the time till we did not have a kid, ie till 1.5 yrs back we were spending on all the things they were demanding. Only now that we have bought a house and also with kid the expenses increasing and without good hikes due to recession we had to cut down on expenditure. But we do give my Inlaws some x amount every month, take care of their travel (tickets booking) and even my SIL’s expenses to certain extent.

    Irrespective of what we do, there is always more expectation from us and no recognition for what we do. My FIL and MIL force us to call up everyone ( DH’s relatives) and talk frequently very well knowing that we slog most of the days and get only weekends for ourselves and also sometimes only 1 day due to project load.

    When we say NO to any of their demand or wishes that will propagated to my SIL and my SIL’s DH ( my DH’s mama) will advise him to take care of his parents well and blah blah…………….

    This is what I hate the most. Even when we are the one’s doing everything we need to get advice from others how to behave and how not.

    There are many more experiences during my pregnancy and after delivery the kind of behaviour my MIL demonstrated. But no mood to go into depth of it now. Leaving it to GOD and Destiny. I think it was because of my past KARMA that I ended up with such inlaws and family.

    Does this mean if a person study’s well and earns more than others in family, he needs to distribute equally to all family member’s. Having children and providing education to them is an Investment ?

    My heart doesn’t contain any kind of emotional bonding to them. I don’t want to develop grudge and hatred, hence try to avoid –ve feelings. But its neutral like anyother aquiantance in our lives. But my DH suffers because of this and its pain to see him like that.

    Regards
    Shobha
     
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  2. Priya_Mommy

    Priya_Mommy Gold IL'ite

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    Shobha,
    JMO, Definitely no need to distribute equally to all the family members. Its definitely sad to pay everybody's expenses just because they are a bit lower than you. Its not that they are on platform, may be you can try to explain inlaws in a positive tone without disturbing their thoughts. Let them know that you have your own life and can take care of them well, but not that everybody in the family who have their own families.
    Dont bother much about your SIL and cosister, just show your disinterest in paying for them. Afterall its both of your hard earned money.

    Any part-3 is in progress???
     
  3. Sobhi

    Sobhi Senior IL'ite

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    Hello Priya

    Thanks for being the comments and being the first one to post it.

    Part -3 , haha :). Nuthing planned actually. What is the use in quotings things that have hurt us again and again.

    I had written a long note which if i post may go on to become part 5 aswell. But just dont feel like posting all that. As i said I have left it to GOD.

    Iam moving on...Apart from doing all this when we get to hear some nasty comments or advices frm relatives who are never in picture and always at recieving end thats when i get disturbed.

    The idea behind posting these two series is not to complain but more to understand is there somewhere where we are going wrong. Is there something that we have to do more.

    Its disturbing that you have problems with your own parents and instead of showing unconditional love nowadays even parents love is dependent on so many conditions.

    At the EOD I know we cant satisfy everyone..........

    My DH has spoke to my Inlaws 100's of times. But they fail to understand. They want everyone to sail in the same boat. You need to see their facial expressions when we deny to do anything.

    regards
    Shobha
     
  4. radhikrish

    radhikrish Silver IL'ite

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    Dear sobha,

    It is really sad to read the problems you face due to ILs . I think the fact that your brotherin law is your hubby's uncle is more complicated, in the sense it becomes more difficult to refuse some favours, as his relation is equivalent to that of his father/mother. If it were an outsider , you can slightly ignore their advances. Is there any way you can move away from the scene of activities? like temporarily shifting to USA? or atleast to a far away place within India itself.

    To a certain extent, I am also facing some problems on these lines from my ILs. No not from sis/brother in law, but only MIL/FIL. They are living in a separate flat in a posh locality which is hardly 2 km from our house, and my hubby religiously visits them on all sundays and takes care of their needs. But no they are not satisfied and would love themselves to be thrust upon us, ie they would prefer to stay permanently with us in our house. I dread to think that as it will permanently mar all chances of my parents ever visiting or staying with me even for a week or so (what with inlwas permanently residing with me) and also I will completely lose my private space and freedom in my own house. Some times I think all this problems are because we are also in chennai. Since we are on transferable job, I feel it may be good for us if we move little away from all these relations, so that we can have a peaceful existance.

    Radhi
     
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2010
  5. Sobhi

    Sobhi Senior IL'ite

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    Hello Radhi

    Thanks for coming in and sharing your part of the story.
    Yes I guess moving a bit far off is one option.

    Now that we have bought our own house , we stay around 10kms away from my IL's. Earlier it was just next house. But even now with the Cell phone, they always call up for every single thing my DH.

    I have started neglecting these things now as these things started affecting my mental peace badly.
    I discussed with my DH and told him to think over situation and take a balanced decision and stick to a plan of how we want to lead our lives.

    Else there will be nothing as ours and we have to keep moving in various directions according to each one's wish.

    lets see how things will go on.
    Now even my DH understands that his parents are insensitive towards our feelings and more concerned about their other children.

    Hope you too will find a solution to the problem.

    regards
    Shobha

     

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