Towards Peace!

Dear Friends:

The news here, just in case you are interested to know, is that the book stands finished at last, except for the index. I think I will be done with the index in a day or two, given the software I am using. So, that's one huge load off my chest, or almost off I think. A student is reading the draft and I am hoping that he won't come up with serious errors. If my plans go through, the book should be with the publisher sometime next month. The latter will come up with its own suggestions for changes, given that I am sending them a cr copy. So, they will obviously ask for stylistic changes. But those can be handled without much trouble.

I think I am slowly finding back my peace of mind vis-a-vis my urge for creative writing. The guilt feeling I was suffering from for leaving the book project idle for the last 3-4 years has taken a toll on my peace of mind. Strange, but true. I think it all started when I was a student of Class 6 and flunked all my exams at school. Ever since, I have felt guilty of ignorng my studies, even though I was not suited for a full-fledged research career. I wanted to be an actor, a singer, a magician, a story writer may be, but I don't think research was ever my forte. Yet that was what I was willy-nilly driven towards.

I failed there too of course, not as in Class 6, but in a much bigger way. And I never saw an end to my suffering. Somehow though, the second edition of this book finally signalled to me the beginning of freedom. I am almost there, very close. I don't care whether people will like the book or not. I don't care whether a single copy sells. All I care for is that the completion of this edition be the beginning of my final journey. Along a road that'll be strewn with flowers of freedom.

My tantrums (Cheeniya's word) at IL were a manifestation of a dissatisfaction with myself. Dissatisfaction that I am not doing what I was born to do and doing instead what God never intended me to do. I was not following the dictates of my heart. I was only sticking to the dictates of my conscience. This conscience has tortured me ever since the day I had to come home from school with a report card that said I was a good for nothing. My parents, especially my mother (who was a highly educated person for her generation) needed to be appeased. I never found the time to appease myself.

I think I am finally ready, or very close to being ready, to appease myself. The move to boloji is a temporary step. The ultimate aim is to build my own website for which I am now willing to pay a yearly rental. It will contain everything I have loved doing or done for love. Including academics -- things I did with a mixed feeling and don't want to publish any longer, but from which students can benefit. So, I will divide my site up into sections. Academics, Journalism, Creative Writing and, perhaps, music too.

Every once in a while I shall pick up pieces from my site and post them at public sites including IL. That's just to inform people who know me that I'm still alive. Whether anyone appreciates me or not will hardly matter. I shall also comment regularly on others' works. Without a guilt conscience that I am ignoring my studies. :cheers

I am slowly forgetting that IL disappointed me on the comment space. That it did not allow me to edit and re-edit my submissions. That it didn't allow me to even list my contributions. These are all events of the past. I think I am looking forward to losing myself in a world of my dreams. It will not bother me if noone ever comes there to socialize. It will make me immensely happy on the other hand if someone ever does. But then, I can always dream that you are sitting next to me dear friend. The world of illusion is the best of them all. Who cares if reality exists or not!

It's a bit like that poem by Tagore I had translated and called Dedication. It has gone through many changes by now of course, but the original still remains here at IL. (The latest version has been accepted for publication by a webzine called Parabas and this will be published along with an audio file of a recitation of the poem.)

Incidentally, I edited the poem "That Cloud" several times. If you are interested, which is unlikely given the reception an earlier version was accorded at IL, you will find it in my boloji blog.

I wish all of you the very best. And I do know that there are wonderful people at IL. People who keep tolerating me despite my shortcomings and childish behaviour at my age. As you know, I am millions of years old. I was born in an age when people used to keep dinosaurs as pets.

oj

 

@ pashenka (viji)

Sorry that I took so long to respond to your kind remark. I wish you were right that everyone loves me here. Unfortunately that's not possible, because I am not a particularly loveable person. But I do know that a few people do love me here despite all my shortcomings.

Regarding the book, I don't think there can be much interest here to read it. It is a book on a highly specialized and technical subject. But thank you for wishing me well.

Love.

From oj-da

 

@ k2s

Sorry for this late response good K to S.

I think I didn't put down my thoughts or emotions too correctly in the post. At Class 6, I didn't really know what I truly want to achieve in life. But I did know what I was not interested in at that point of time. And that was studies, homeworks, exams. etc. Of course, I probably had illusions about the future. I am sure that, like many other children, I wanted to be a magician. I don't think music was my ambition at that stage, though I loved music. Creative writing was the last thing I would have thought of. I was failing in my language courses in each exam. I couldn't possibly have been attracted towards writing. My worst performance was in Mathematics. I still recall one Mrs. Groce who taught us. She never failed to refer to me as "our greatest mathematician". It's so funny really. As events unfolded, it was into a highly abstruse branch of Mathematical Economics that I ended up. In fact, in the world of academics, whatever little recognition I have is linked to my mathematical works. Mrs. Groce, alas, cannot possibly be alive now, or else I could have visited her just to let her know that I finally managed to learn how not to write 2 + 2 = 7. :rotfl

So, as I was saying, I didn't know, nor do I know yet where I want to land. But I enjoy playing with new toys, you are right. I think I was preparing for this in my way for the last two or three years. Learning html programming and javascript. I am still dependent on someone for animations. I will see if I can acquire that skill too.

I did try to build sites of my own, but I used free servers. Often they create problems. But those were practice sessions. Now, I think, I have the time finally to use my toys to start the game. It will not happen immediately of course. But by and by ...

See you there someday, hopefully in the course of a few months or so.

oj-da

 

@ Kamal

Yes I did flunk several of my exams in Class 6. Yes, we hardly know what's in store five minutes from now, leave alone sixty years later. When I was a Class 6 student, there was one thing that I was pretty much sure of though. That I shall never ever reach the age of 60!! And look what happened. I failed in my expectations too.

The book was hanging like an albatross around my neck. I had promised to hand over the manuscript sometime in 2007 I think. I even ended up writing a chapter or two. And then the devil took possession of me. I simply began to hate the project. I began to hate academics the same way I hated it in Class 6.

But God had willed otherwise. IIT, Kharagpur called me up to find out if I would be willing to teach a course for the semester that's just over. They wanted me to teach a subject that I used to research in towards the beginning of my career. I have lost interest in that area. But I agreed to teach, God made me agree to teach, so long as I could teach the subject matter my book deals with. I had this funny feeling, this is your chance boy, go for it. As you teach the course, write the chapters simultaneously. They agreed to my proposal and this is what I ended up doing. I was hopelessly preoccupied from January through May. Travelling to Kharagpur every Sunday evening, spending a night there and delivering 3-4 lectures every Monday. And then writing up what I was talking about. Hard labour it was, let me assure you. Anyway, the worst is over now. I have now even finished the index. All that remains to be done is a final revision before I send it to the publisher. I need to keep my fingers crossed though. The publisher gave me problems last time with the mathematics in the book. Their printing division, in my opinion, is not particularly well-equipped to print mathematically oriented books. I am not too bothered though. If something goes wrong, I will simply put the book up in my planned web site. More students can access it that way and I am not particularly concerned about the money I can make from the book. I am not rich, but I have enough to spend on the things I love. So, unless I fall seriously sick, the money part in unimportant.

I have rarely felt so free as well as energetic. Life has just started it seems. And there is so much fun waiting along the way.

Best.

oj

 

@ kelly1966

Yes, I did see your comments on boloji and replied too. Thanks a lot good friend.

Regarding Class 6, I think I didn't explain too well. I will put up a post to clarify what actually happened. I will do it today.

Wishing you all the best.

oj-kaku