The Newpaper Vendor – Daughter’s marriage proposal

Kamalji · Mar 10, 2010

The Newpaper Vendor – Daughter’s marriage proposal

I had written a blog about my newspaper Vendor a couple of months

That was about his son. This one is about his daughter.Yesterday he came to collect his dues, and I asked him about his son, he said the son came for 2 days, last week, because his daughter’s proposal had come. Seems this guy has 3 sons, and one daughter.

She is 20 and in the final year of Graduation in Arts. A proposal came, from a well off family, and he told them, that he can spend 5 lakhs in all, which includes the jewellery, money for functions, gifts etc. they agreed, came over, liked the girl, and said we will let u know in a day or two.

Later they called up to say, that we are very sorry, our son has received proposals for 20 lakhs, and it is going up by the day, so we are sorry. This fellow was heartbroken, for he told me, that I had told them before hand, that this is my budget, then why did they do this to me. And for this he called over his son from Mumbai, who spent 10000 on the air tics, which went waste, but they could see him after so many months.

I told him, why don’t u make her do her MBA from jaipur, which will cost u not more than 2 lakhs, and she will land a job for 10000 to 20000 who knows, and rather u spend that 5 lakhs on her education, and then see the boys flocking to u for her hand, for this way, she will be a cash cow, bringing in money every month for her life, rather than a one time Dowry, to which he seemed to agree.

Then I asked him, listen, u have 3 sons, will u take dowry, when their turn comes to marry, and he was strangely quiet, and started to squirm. Now the shoe was on the other foot, and he kept quiet.I told him, why don’t u start a trend in your family, whereby u take no dowry from the girls side, and choose a good bahu, rather than a fat dowry one, for when u have no demands, u can pick and choose. Set an example , but he said, the ladies of the house may not agree, so we left off the discussions there itself.

Rajasthan is notorious for child marriages, and Dowry.there is an open auction for the boys, I swear. And families are branded by the rate. A Marwari I know, I pulled his leg, asking how much he got for his wedding, he said, 20 lakhs deal, and the same they paid for his sister’s wedding, but she committed suicide later , I and Harsha had attended that wedding, reasons I don’t know what happened.

Another fellow I know, he has two daughters, and a son. Son was married. The daughter was to get married, and he was telling us that he has to pay a 2 crore demand, and he had agreed. I felt very sorry for him, but then later realized that his son had got married, so he too must have taken 2 crores or whatever, but he has two daughters, so he has to pay back 4 crores in return, so that is a net loss !!! But he took, and he had to pay also, so the sympathy vanished as soon as it had come.

I fail to understand, in today;s times why are girls being treated like cattle ! I can understand cattle being bargained over, but grooms being haggled over ? I remember last Id, there was this goat called Shah Rukh Khan, who was to be auctioned for 25 lakhs for idd, and the last offer that came was for 20 lakhs, so the owner did not sell, ultimately I don’t know the fate of SRK, it was all over the papers here. I guess similarily boys are being auctioned to the highest bidder.

Imagine this situation. A father says for this MBA daughter of mine, I can’t pay more than say 10 lakhs Dowry. The guy’s side says, our son has received offers of 20 lakhs. Father of the bride says, ok I will give u 25 lakhs, take my second daughter, she cant see from one eye, boys side says , no we want now 30 lakhs, the girl’s father says, OK I will give u instead 50 lakhs , take my third daughter, she is blind.

In such a scenario, u can guess what the groom will take, 99% he will go for the blind girl, for he needs the money more than the girl. This is not to demean anyone, I am just giving an example of greed.And what more demands will follow, at the birth of a son, and in later years, u can well imagine.

It is a pride to take dowry here, and the dowry material is taken out in a procession, in trucks, one for furniture, one for steel Cupboards, with a Band in the front, going slowly.Of course the cash and other things are handled privately.Prevalent even today, I swear.

It is a viscious circle.If u have give for your daughter, u will want to take for your son. How can u just give, but not take when it is your turn ? Someone has to set an example, give, but don’t take.

And whey not spend on the education of the girl, let her have a good degree, let her earn, and maybe let her find her own boy, for attractions do come when u are working with male collegues. And it is not that there are no good families or boys, besides yr own caste. And in love marriages, or intercaste ones, where will the question of dowry come in, when both want to marry, against their parent’s wishes !

We are 4 brothers and no sisters, we never took a penny, and for my daughter’s too I did not want to have any demand, and so it was. Even the functions were split, each paid half.
And we gave our daughter whatever jewellery we could, there was no usual demand, that she must get this or that. Her MIL gave her many times over than what we had.Touch wood she is very happy. And for Sita too, not a penny demand we will accept.We will give tour daughter what we want out of choice, not out of force.

Girls today are as good , and sincere to their work, if not better, as their male counterparts. Look at ICICI chief Chanda Kocher, Indra Nyogi of Pepsi, Kiran Mazumdar, who can say they are any less than a male. There are good opportunities for women, and it pleases me no end to see that, it is another matter, that I many not have liked to have a lady boss, for one at home is enough, and what if I fall in love with her !!!

And with the women’s Bill passed yesterday, makes me more sad. A woman must earn her place of her own merit, be itpolitics, or work, and not because of her gender.

Sad.

KAMAL MAHTANI

It is difficult to understand GOD.
He makes the most beautiful of women,
And turns them into someone else’s wives.

EDITED THIS ONE, A BIT DICEY.

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If a Girl Vomits , parents ask – Kaun hai who Kamina !
If a boy vomits,- Kamine kaha pee kar aya hai !
Moral of the Story, who ever vomits, Boys are always Kaminey !

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Padmini · Mar 10, 2010

Dear Kamalji,
A very nice and thought provoking post. So sad to read about the vendor's daughter. How crude they are!! Hats of to you for not accepting dowry and also not encouraging giving dowry. But,the dowry custom continues to rule society. In majority of Indian families the boy has inheritance rights while the girl is given a hefty sum at the time of her marriage in lieu of the Government regulated equal rights for girls in parental property. The evil of the dowry system has spread its tentacles in almost all parts of the country and sections of society. There are several reasons for the prevalence of the dowry system, but the main one is that it is a necessary precondition for marriage. "No dowry, no marriage," is a widespread fear. There has also been an emergence of a feudal mindset with a materialistic attitude in a new globalized economy. The price tag for the groom is now bigger and bolder. The emergence of an affluent middle class, the torchbearer of social change in modern India, is the main factor for the perpetuation of the dowry system. Families arrange most marriages, and a man who does not marry for love learns he can marry for possessions. For this man, and his family, a woman becomes the ticket to shortcut riches through the system of dowry. There are a number of things people desire to have in their own houses but cannot afford; they use the opportunity of a son's marriage to get them. The girl's parents do not protest against the blatant extravaganza, as they regard the alliance as a stepping-stone towards higher social status and better matches for the remaining children. Dowry as a phenomenon has gone beyond the ritual of marriage.Despite every stigma, dowry continues to be the signature of marriage. Women need real social, political, financial and moral support in their fight against the system. They have to be empowered so that they can take their decisions about their own life by refusing the dowry system.
Now the jokes:
Two 4th Standard School boys talking

First Boy: What is the time now?
Second Boy: Hey, this is the 11th time, you are asking me. Why not buy a watch for yourself?
First Boy: Why should I buy a watch. When I get married, I will get one as a DOWRY
A rich businessman was telling our bachelor Banta about the plans for his unmarried daughters. "I have put aside Rs.2,00,000 for Savita who is 22, Rs.4,00,000 dowry for Vinita who’s 27 and Rs.8,00,000 for Namita who is 36." Banta after thinking for few seconds said "Sir, do you have any daughter who is 50?"
Broker: Hi, there is a girl available for marriage with a little bit dark in colour. If you marry, you will get Rs. 50,000/- dowry
Boy: Can you please look for a darker girl, so that I can get Rs.1,00,000 dowry
Broker: ?????????
with love
pad

Amma15 · Mar 10, 2010

Dear Kamalji,

Dont you be sad - it is not you.

My dad and grandmother did not accept a dowry when he married my mom 57years ago! They only wanted the girl. My mom's family itseems was horrified. So my dad married without a dowry, my ILs family does not believe in it and like you said, my MIL even DID NOT allow my mother to give me vessels because she said everything she has is mine! That whatever I needed she would give me! And yes she gave me more jewellry than my parents could afford to give me. None of my siblings gave or recieved dowry!

So it is very simple for me. No dowry when our sons marry!

Dont you agree women make better bosses? Wherever! And I think the woman should make the change - no dowry.

Regards,
Usha

rajalakshmigopal · Mar 10, 2010

A very good thought provoking blog K.It is very sad to know that dowry has become the primary reason for splits,suicides and many more problems.I agree that women are equal to men in all aspects and it would be good If women do something for this dowry stuff.

You often prove that you could write such disturbing posts too.:thumbsup

Well done :hiya

jaishree9 · Mar 10, 2010

Kamalji
nice blog. It seems to me that with more education ,liberlization,modernity & highly educated girls the amount of dowery is also increasing in lacs & crores?? .
more showoff ,more expensive gifts , diamonds replacing gold, cars , bikes , theme decorations , wedding dresses in thousandss of rs & honeymoon abroad are all included in the package.
in the last century dowery means cloths for family ,some gold, some useful article for couple like utensils & furniture if possible :but now they sell boy to the highest bidder.

Soldier · Mar 10, 2010

Pranams to Kamalji,

Another nice post from you on practical issues that we hear very frequently. Sad our society is yet to get rid of such practices. Our (at home) policy is the same as yours. My children would say, we would rather stay unmarried rather than being negotiated like this. thoo!!

These are the culprits who are the cause for many dowry deaths / suicide etc. At least in Chennai there were a couple of cases, where the bride herself lodged complaint against such greedy grooms and got the marriage stopped.

U have talked about one version. The other thing is that nowadays the concept of living alone I hear is on the rise. Girls especially are happy with a lucrative salary and independent life (not having to bother of running the family, raising and growing up children and the related burden). The attractive salary they get helps them enjoy life to the core and some parents have also fallen prey to the high standards of living enjoying at the cost of their sons / daughters and do not seem to open up marriage proposals at all.

We do not know where we are heading towards.

Now for the jokes part, i always enjoy them though some of them could be certified `A'. Only thing while reading my forefinger and middle finger would by default show the sign of `katti' (remember children saying katti if they fight and batti when they compromise. While saying batti they would open out the crossed forefinger and middlefinger). This has become a default gesture for me whether I see something obsene on TV or hear any A joke or matter. My colleagues too have started noticing that and if some talks bad like this, the other person would say u have not shown him ur gesture. Else he will not speak like this.

Bi

radsahana · Mar 10, 2010

Dear Kamalji,

Very good,thought provoking write up. In this 21st century also, there are lacs of dowry deaths, and that too in educated families. Taking and giving dowry is show off for a rich families, matter of ego and pride.

Even my parents didnt pay any dowry, we only have 2-3 days marriage functions, and parents gave jewelleries as per their wish.

I think as u said Education is big changing factor, and Girls herself should be strong in denying dowry. If she is firm, sure there will be a trend, when no one will give or expect dowry

Kamla · Mar 11, 2010

Dear Kamalji,

This matter is very close to my heart.

I cannot understand how this custom of dowry came into being. I feel this is a terrible custom and reduces the sanctity of marriage to dust. Marriages become a business deal.

We have seen many many Indian movies based on this subject and we hear horror stories due to dowries and almost all of us know of people who have suffered because of dowry. Yet we seem to be blind and immune to its evils. I can to this day recall how shaken I was to know a friend of mine was set on fire due to dowry demands, know of families reduced to penury after paying dowry for two or three daughters and so on.

Nothing much seems to have changed as far as dowry is concerned. I also feel that in certain parts of N India and in certain communities of S India, dowry is very prevalent, educated or not!

I abhor any form of dowry. Good friends of our recently got their daughter married to a boy from Delhi. It was a love marriage and our friends live here. In spite of everything, they did end up meeting the demands of the boy's family. They were mindful of their daughter's happiness.

Yes, looks like there are many many more newspaper vendors around. Sad but true.

L, Kamla

Mindian · Mar 11, 2010

dear kamalji,

interesting thread. Stupid guy, not listening to good advice... after all the girl is only 20 couldn't he give her a higher education instead? it will be more beneficial to her in the long run.

i think dowry originated because in the olden days sons were given a share of the property while daughters got nothing, only dowry during the time of her wedding.

but today's scenario has changed drastically... everything goes equally to all children women are educated ,having good careers but this dowry system seems to continue? totally unfair,no?

the givers are equally to be blamed too...why cant a girls father have the confidence to say i will wait till i find a man who cares more for my daughter than the dowry she brings.

In our house all have been dowry less marriages from my generation onwards...the next generation has gone a step forward by sharing the wedding expenses too.kudos to them for starting something new.

and on the lighter side we stand to gain by this new trend of sharing expenses right? because both of us have daughters? so let me know if you come across a good, broad minded, educated (haha the adjectives will be never ending) Madrasi boy ,okay?

Meenupanicker · Mar 11, 2010

Dear Kamalji
Snippet is totally a part of our thoughts.I remember your earlier write up about the newspaper vendor.Hope this boy look after his father now a days.
I always keep wondering about this system of dowry,myself being the eldest of two sisters.
Kamalji, its not the situation in Jaipur.In Kerala the condition is worser than anywhere.Here even for educated girls there is no compromise in the case of dowry.We would often wonder towards their question "what you will give for your daughter".They are forgetting the fact the father has given her everything and morethan that they have given to their son.Now a days the ladies even get salaries higher than their husbands also.But they don't consider or pretend not to consider these facts while counting the wealth.After marriage girl's parents owe nothing from this working girl.If she give something its her DH family's broad minded vision.
Then in our place this poor girl's father has to arrange the engagement and wedding ceremony by himself.There will ofcourse be suggestion from boy's side about the auditorioum and the facilities that are needed.In short a man with more than one daughter will leave his life always struggling for their daughter's future.
Thanks for writing this thought provoking one that too with that kamalji signature...
Dreaming for a day with no dowries and the ladies themselves considered as the greatest wealth