”A happy family is but an earlier heaven.”-George Bernard shaw

Ranjani is just five years old..There are three ceramic dolls kept in the showcase.Ranjani has grown tall enough to touch the dolls.She takes a doll and puts in her lap and says thachu-thachu[sleep-sleep]She just pats the head of the doll and when mummy shouts Ranjani-she signals her mother to keep quiet and that the baby is sleeping.
The same girl on another occasion brings the doll to her mother and says that the doll is on the edge and it may break.She is satisfied after the doll is pushed safely deep into the showcase.On yet another occasion Ranjani throws the doll on the floor and watches whether it will not break like Barbie doll.She is horrified when the doll breaks into pieces and starts crying even before her mother could rebuke her.

Are you not surprised that the same girl reacts to the doll in three different ways?.No- if you understand transactional analysis.Dr .Eric Barne describes the three reactions due to three ego states called PAC in short otherwise known as Parent,Adult and Child state.
In the first instance Ranjana was in parent ego state and imitating her mother and making the doll sleep.In the second instance Ranjana was in the adult ego state ,understanding the harsh reality that the doll would break.In the third case she was in the child ego state experimenting whether the ceramic doll was different from Barbie doll and whether it can withstand a throw on the floor.This is the inquisitive ego state.Is this analysis applicable only to little children?An emphatic no-all of us experience the three ego states and swing from one ego state to another during a .day.

Mythili has toiled hard in the morning ,has given breakfast to her husband and children and has seen them off.She just opens the IL site.She is in the child ego state wanting to go through snippets,pour her ideas and send private messages to her friends.Then comes the telephone call from her husband.Kannan tells her that he has left the credit card payment cheque on the TV and asks her to deposit it in the drop box.He is in the adult ego state as he knows that any delay in depositing the cheque will result in paying penalty.Mythili flares up and kannan retorts that heaven will not come down if she delayed blogging by a few hours..The situation could have been avoided by Kannan enquiring what is the latest on IL and asking her whether she would mind going to the bank.He goes further and says that it doesn’t matter as the penalty is just a couple of hundred rupeesTo do this.he has to swing to the child ego state.Mythili on the other hand says-Why should we pay penaly-we can buy a nice frock for ranjani.Mythili responds by switching over to adult ego state.On the other hand if Mythili tells her husband-can you send the driver back with a packet of Atta and two milk packets?Kannan flares up-we went to the shop yesterday evening-why didn’t you remember?Kannan is in the adult ego state-right from morning he has been mentally rehearsing the tasks to be completed in office and buying Atta was not one of them.Mythili retorts that Atta is not for her but only for his diabetic parents.By switching their respective ego states the problem would have been solved with less friction.

Sreedhar and Veena are lovely couple with a son and a daughter.Sreedhar is in his early forties and Veena in her late thirties.Sreedhar has planned for a deewali bash at his house in Bangalore and his parents ,two brothers and two sisters have arrived to join the celebration.All of them are sitting and watching Vadivelu’s antics in a movie while Veena is getting ready to make pooris for the group-she has already made two side dishes.Not once Sreedhar peeps into the kitchen to see how Veena is doing.The laughter and giggles from the adjoining TV room is irritating to Veena.Sreedhar shouts and asks Veena for coffee for four.Veena grunts and says coffee for four –does he think this is a hotel and I am a waiter.Sreedhar is a caring husband but then why is he behaving like this at this moment.It doesn’t require great intelligence to understand that he is in the child ego state, in the company of his parents and siblings.Veena on the other hand is in the adult ego state with anxiety that the poori episode should pass off satisfactorily.How often we hear a girl complaining that her husband is an excellent person but totally different when his parents and siblings are around.The atmosphere can be improved by Sreedhar asking Veena whether she requires some help or Veena changing to the child ego state and joining the fun and frolic.Then what happens-everybody gets into the kitchen playfully and poori making becomes a joyful community effort.Veena when she goes to home town on holidays,shouts Amma thalai pinni vidu[ Amma-plait my hair} and the mother enjoys doing it.There can be no better illustration for the child ego state of the daughter and parent ego state of the mother.

Vijay and Swarna are going to the club.Vijay is proudly watching his wife driving the new car he had bought for her.Swarna wants to show off the car to her friends and is hoping that atleast some of them will see her getting down from the driver’s side.Vijay orders for a drink while Swarna is combing the menu card and getting ready to enjoy a fabulous dinner.She calls the steward and orders Channa Bhatura.Sreedhar stops her midway and says “you will not be able to finish it.You know that I don’t like Channa Bhatura”An argument ensues as Swarna is offended by her husband having such a discussion in front of the steward.Swarna says that she will not have anything and Sreedhar is not apologetic and both leave the club and reach home not talking to each other.What happened and why this behaviour from Sreedhar? He is in the parent ego state.As a child he had received punishment from his father for wasting food.Swarna was in the child ego state.How could the situation have been handled.Swarna could have said that she wanted to have CB, but she was worried about the wastage.In response Sreedhar would have switched over to child ego state”-let me experiment with CB.After all after a couple of drinks I couldn’t care what I am eating”..An alternative –Sreedhar says-ok order CB-don’t worry about the wastage-let us celebrate your driving the new car.Understand that he has switched over to the child ego state.Swarna switches to adult ego state and says that the second car will increase their monthly expenses”.Let me order for some thing which both of us will enjoy.CB next time”.Vijay holds one hand and is training Swarna to drive with one hand on the way home.

We can find out the ego state a person is in, by studying the way he behaves at a certain moment.Dr.Berne defined parent ego state as a set of feelings,attitudes and behaviour pattern resembling that of parents;Adult ego state as understanding the realities,rational and not influenced by parental prejudices and child ego state as impact of the individual’s childhood.The analysis of the ego states helps understand better a person as well as his behaviour.Better understanding leads to better relationships.Further let us do an introspection of ourselves,understand our negative attitudesand failures in our relationship with others.This will help to focus on different things we will do as well as how to do things differently.This will eliminate negative vibration leading to a happy family.As George Bernard Shaw said”A happy family is but an earlier heaven.

Thomas Moore said it eloquently”Family life is full of major and minor crises-the ups and downs of health,success and failure in career,marriage and divorce and all kinds of characters.It is tied to places,events and histories.With all these felt details,life etches itself into memory and personality.It’s difficult to imagine any thing more nourishing to the soul.”

START THE GAME OF IDENTIFYING THE <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comffice:smarttags" /><st1laceName w:st="on">EGO</st1laceName> <st1laceType w:st="on">STATE</st1laceType> OF THE PERSON YOU ARE INTERACTING WITH , HAVE FUN .AND ENJOY THE SECOND <st1lace w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">HEAVEN</st1:City> <st1:State w:st="on">ON</st1:State></st1lace> EARTH..

 

Dear Sri Vidya,
Thanks for the FB.You have caught the key word-introspection.This will solve all problems.
Regards
LAKSHIMINARAYANAN

 

Dear Jaya,
This is an interesting subject and body language says it all.One can ward off communication problems by understanding the ego state and managing our responses accordingly.
Thanks for the FB and regards
LAKSHIMINARAYANAN

 

Dear Supriya,
Thanks for the FB.I am happy that you could relate to the situations in the snippet.It took more than a month to prepare the article and explain day to day situations.The reward will be when the target audience steers away from potential conflicts and enjoy good companionship.
Regards
LAKSHIMINARAYANAN

 

Dear Bharti,
Thanks for your FB.Once you understand the concept of ego states human behaviour will get demystified.All the best.
Regards
LAKSHIMINARAYANAN