Amma,Where are you?

Amma,Where are you?

Amma,the whole of yesterday I slogged in the kitchen.I wanted to make the green peas kuzhambu and keerai masiyal the same way you prepared for me when I was young.But,no!how many ever times I tried, I did not get that superb taste of the kuzhambu made by you.

Amma,do you remember/I was eight years old and both of us were invited for a function in a relative’s house.We went.After the function was over,they served us lunch.I was very hungry when I sat down to eat.But I could not eat even a little bit of what was served .The food was very spicy.My eyes were watering.The little amount of payasam that was served to me was not sufficient to satisfy my hunger.We took leave and walked back home,from Ice house to Star Theater.All the way home I was pulling your hand and cried “Amma,Iam hungry’.You took my hand and said”As soon as we reach home I will give you food’.I continued crying,because I was very hungry. And you with your trade mark patience continued pacifying me.We reached home.You made me sit in the kitchen The previous day’s left over rice was soaked in water and kept in a vessel.The previous day’s kuzhambu made with green peas was also kept in a vessel.You served me that rice with buttermilk and the kuzhambu as the side dish.I gobbled the food.Till I finished eating,you were sitting by my side,stroking my hair and asking’Is that enough?will you have some more?”, in such a soothing manner.

Amma,that kuzhambu’s taste is still lingering in my tongue.I have tried innuemerable number of times to make the kuzhambu, the same way you would have prepared it.But no, that taste eludes me.Now I realize that ,that old rice,thin buttermilk and previous day’s kuzhambu had divine taste because it had Amma’s love,care and kindness.I was your youngest child and you served me your heart.Amma,what a fool I have been all these years not to realize and try and match your cooking skill.

Almost four to five days in a week ,you took only one meal a day.In the evening you used to have some kanji.You said that you were keeping fast for Anjaneya,MahaLakshmi,Murugaand other deities of your choice.I took it as a matter of fact and never even enquired whether you were hungry.Now I know the truth behind your fasting.You fasted for so many days so that the other members of the family,particularly I could eat three meals a day. Father passed away when I was very young.But I enjoyed my childhood,grew up to be a cheerful person,and became a post-graduate because you were there to protect me,guide me,shelter me and take care of me.

I remember you having three or four ‘chinnalampattu sarees.All faded,you rotated them and wore them.But,Amma,you were so serene,your inner beauty,the love you carried in your heart for your children shone in your face,making you a tremendous person.

You were always barren handed.You did not have gold bangles and you never wore glass bangles on your hands because you were a widow and the society forbade you even these small pleasures. On my marriage day,you did not come to the Mandapam to attend the marriage ceremony.You considered yourself unlucky and hence your presence at my marriage inauspicious.I and your son in law came home to take your blessings.Why did I keep quiet?Why didn’t I make clear and be firm that my mother who brought me up should be the first person to attend my marriage and bless me?What prevented me from speaking out my mind?My insensitivity!I honestly don’t have an answer.

When my first child was born, you came to my place to help me,take care of me.I remember you taking care of my baby,giving her bath,changing her nappies,giving me nutritious food and gave me total rest.There I was another baby under her mother’s care. The same thing was repeated when my younger one was born.You were there to help us through.

Amma,you were always there for me.You protected me,loved me with out expecting anything in return.And I always took from you.Did I give you the same unadulterated love?Why did I become a graduate and a post graduate?Of what use is an education that does not help you take care of,fulfill atleast the small desires of my mother? Today,I am rich,Amma,where are you?

Amma,I live in a beautiful house.You would have loved living in this house.Come to me Amma.When I go to RMKV,Pothis and Nalli, I see varieties of nine yard sarees in myriad colours .I want to buy them for you and I want to see you in nice beautiful sarees .I want to buy sets of gold bangles for you Amma,and nice chain to wear on your neck.Where are you Amma?Please come to me. Amma,there is a huge colour TV in our hall.You would love to sit before that the whole dayI have a car and driver and I will take you where ever you want to go. More than anything,I want to sit and talk to you Amma,leisurely,chat with you, which I never did when I was a student or a home maker.

Come Amma,let me take care of you. I stand up in the balcony and look at the sky.I see bunches of clouds.I look intently,defying all logic or commonsense.I feel that you are there hiding behind one of those clouds and looking at me or clutching a star and keeping guard over me and my family. Amma,I want to tell you something which I never told you even once.I love you Amma,I love you very,very much.Amma,you won’t and you can’t come to me even if you want to.I only have to come to you.I will,Amma, when my time comes.Till then Amma,take care and God be with you, where ever you are.