Real father's day

REAL FATHER’S DAY

21<SUP>st</SUP> June 09 was father’s day, in real sense a father’s day for my son.

My DH was very athletic and sports buff with natural talent and acumen for games. He generally keeps himself active with interests in sports & gardening etc . Few days ago he developed some fever and was admitted in hospital as it was confirmed as Dengue fever. So it was shuttling of home and office and hospital for me. A week in the hospital elapsed, was back home and was looking forward for his recuperation, within a day he developed severe back pain that it was painful even to keep a step. Again a cycle of admission to an Orthopedic and with various tests like MRI , physio etc and an epidural injection he was discharged. It was time of heavy work load at office, so again shuttling of home and work and taking care of my DH. Just within 2 days he again felt muscular spasms and he became so weak that he had to readmitted on 20<SUP>th</SUP> June 09 . This time the Physician was disturbed about the results . Exhausted I immediately applied for leave at work, decided it is going to be home and hospital only.

20<SUP>th</SUP> June 09 night: My DH was in ICU with septicemia, long wait in the waiting lounge of the hospital. Somehow by now I was at home in hospitals & had learnt to sleep in the chair and grab some food in between . My DS was too with me, since the doctors were his former colleagues, he too was with his father in the ICU. It was almost 2.00 am , my DS told me to go back home and then come in the morning as he will be with his Dad. I drove back home in the wee hours, thinking normally my DH will never allow me to drive alone at night, reaching home I dozed off to sleep, my phone rings again my DS calling me to come to the hospital “ Papa needs to be moved to a larger hospital and he is very serious”. Even in my wildest dream I didn’t think my DH health will turn to worse, as he is very resilient and my trust in Divine was strong. Rushed to hospital in the wee hours, after feeding my dogs ( was not sure at what time will I be back). When I reached the hospital at 3.30 am my DS told me that papa was conscious and I heaved a sigh of relief. Meanwhile he was rushed to a bigger hospital and coronary care unit and was on ventilator.

Following the ambulance, I reached the hospital by 4.30am and he was stabilized. It was about 7.00am , both me and my DS sat thinking that my DH has crossed the critical time, feeling jubilant and thanking all the stars in heaven. It was 21<SUP>st</SUP> June 09, I told my DS “you gave a new leash of life to your father in ICU ( as he attended to him when his pulse stopped) and it is your fathers day gift “.

I was still sitting at the lounge going into the ward now and then, & my DS just went out for his coffee. My Guru and other spiritual friends were praying continuously , meanwhile my Guru from India sends an sms to me “Go inside”. Though I didn’t understand the meaning, I went into CCU and was looking at my DH who was on ventilator, a doctor attending to him, & then suddenly on the monitor I saw his heart beat has stopped, followed by rush of doctors and nurses at panic situation. My heart was saying he will be fine, don’t worry. I quietly called my DS who came rushing in (it was the same hospital my DS was working) , it was the longest half an hour that I had ever endured. There was no sign of recovery, when my DS told the doctors to stop resuscitation turned and told me “its over”.I heard myself telling, “ no it is not possible , he will be fine”.Try again, I said, he said more than half an hour no blood has gone to his brain, its no use. I looked unbelievingly. I went near my DH’s body there was no more pain , but a pleasant smile as though he was saying “all my pains have gone”.

Then I started messaging to my family in India and others, still in a hazy dream.

I read a lot on vedanthic topics, read a lot on death, near death experience, life after death ,consider myself a soul and not a body etc etc. Somehow got a reputation that I am always calm, cool & collected & not swayed by emotions. Painful experiences in early life had made me a strong person.

But suddenly felt so lost in life, no more tears, just looking at the people who came into pay condolences with a frozen smile or nod. I heard everyone saying “it’s a great loss”. My mind was saying “ shut up! it my loss”. I knew everyone meant well and everyone was trying their best to be helpful. I wanted to be left alone, felt lonely in the crowd. I heard “ you are such brave person” . My mind said “ That’s my acting, ”. I could hear my friend saying “ cry Jaya ,don’t bottle up” .

I heard myself praying to God to release my DH’s soul that his departure to the other world is easy. I was saying mentally “Go! Go! I release you from the bondage of relationship. Please forgive me for the quarrels we had. I did my best to my best knowledge, at times we both have erred at times. Go Go”.

But must admit Divine love humor. My DS requested me to give him a dhoti for the prayers, so I took one (taking into consideration his big frame of 6ft & broad body )and told him that I have left it on the bed, but forgot to inform him that it is in my bed. Before commencement of ceremony he went into his rooms with all the cousins and looked for the dhoti. He couldn’t differentiate the white sari with small prints of my MIL that was in the bed placed wrongly(by my niece in his room), he wrapped the saree around like dhoti with pallu at the back. When he came out of the room with printed dhoti, I asked him where did you get this dhoti? He said it was in the bed & then only he realized that he has wrapped a saree & not a dhoti. He felt so shy ran back to his room while the whole congregation laughed. Even today the incident of wrapping saree to dhoti makes us go into laughter. His friends still tease him about wearing saree.

“Om Nama shivaya” was reverberating in the house , felt a vacuum inside, at times wondered is this real? Or Is it a dream?
That night my DS came and slept next to me and asked me “mummy I see a big butterfly in the house fluttering here and there, Is this papa?” I said “Why do you ask me? ” .” “Mummy I was sitting in the garden with my friends having dinner, it was with us thorough out the time” I said “ It has been with us from the time Papa passed away. May be it is him. Do not disturb it”. Then I said “ Raja beta ! I am scared”. My DS said “ Maa I am too scared”.I stroked my son’s face helpless face and said don’t worry we will make it thro’. Divine has his own game , we need to play along and not go against it. Let us not ask Why? Why? (though I wanted to) , it is HIS game. Papa is so lucky ,he will have a new leash of life, we are still mending the same life stitching here and there . Explained to him about Sthula sharira (gross body) and Sukhsma sharira (subtle body) and the departure of soul. Then my DS asked me who will pay the bills, I said “ Jaya sharira”.

Thus it was REAL FATHER’S DAY FOR US –21<SUP>ST</SUP> JUNE 09.
Iam picking back the threads......ofcourse with a sob and tears