Is old age a curse?

“I am sitting in the hall cutting vegetables for making lunch.My MIL, a grand old lady of 87 walks to the hall slowly from her room.She comes and sits in front of the TV takes the remote in her hand.She keeps changing the channels,she is not happy with any of the programmes shown on the different channels on the TV.I don’t blame her,I too feel the same way,watching the different serials somehow adds to my woe,the women are invariably shown as the cry babies all the time crying or as pucca vamps..I watch my MIL’s facial expressions,it looks as if she would start sobbing any time.She keeps the remote in its place and walks back to her room.This happens atleast five to six times a day,my MIL coming to the hall,switching on and swirching off the TV and walking back to her room.”

This was a regular happening in our house till six months back,when my MIL was alive.My MIL was an extraordinarily intelligent person.Her native wisdom and her presence of mind helped us in tricky situations.She had a tremendous sense of humour and was an excellent mimic.But as she aged she became an unhappy person. She began to feel lonely. lonely


.This, inspite of the fact that we were taking good care of her,she got regular medical check ups,my husband made it a point to spend time with her. Every day as soon as he had his coffee,he would go to his mther’s room ,sit and talk to her,joke with her.I did my best to take care of her in my own way.But she needed company of her age group people,company of her relatives.Unfortunately that was something we couldn’t do anything about.

In the same complex where we live ,in another block,on the second floor lives another old lady in a flat all by herself.Her only son is in the US.This is her own flat, very well furnished.Her son has engaged two maids for her.One comes in the morning,does her work,cooks for the old lady and leaves.The other one comes in the afternoon makes evening meal for her, stays for sometime and leaves.Her son has made excellent financial arrangements for her.She is financially well off.

When I asked her son,”Why don’t you take her with you”,he said,that he tried it.But both he and his wife are working and his mother had to stay alone in the house.”For my mother to stay alone here is better than staying alone at home in US.”Similarly his mother is averse to keeping a full time maid.
My husband makes it a point to visit her, atleast once in a day and enquires about her health,makes small talks with her. .In the beginning the old lady was wary about my husband visiting her every day,but now she looks forward to his visits.Her relatives visit her rarely,mostly on festival days.

When I went to Mumbai to visit my daughter,my daughter introduced me to one of her neighbours, a husband,wife,MIL and their two children.Very nice friendly people.I particularly liked the old lady,80+ who looked so beautiful at that age.Her silver hair,flawless complexion,lovely smile and blue eyes.I told my daughter that she must have been a ravishing beauty in her younger days.

Her son and daughter in law were working,they had a full time maid who also cooked for them.Their flat was right below my daughter’s.Very often I heard the sound of people shouting at each other,sobs and bitter fights.Then my daughter told me.The DIL did her best to take care of the MIL but MIL was not happy wth the food made by the maid.She wanted the DIL to cook for her.She often found fault with the food made by the maid and shouted at her,with the result,no maid stayed with them for more than a month or so.She was also very forgetful.DIL would have given her all her medicines to take,but she would complain to her son ,”Your wife did not give me my medicine.She wants me to die”.Tell me will there be peace at such a place?The old woman was not a bad person,but her dependence on her son and Dil was playing on her mind.

One day in the evening I and my husband went to the terrace to get some fresh air.We saw the old lady’s son sitting there with a sad face.We were hesitating to ask him anything,when he came to us and told my husband, “Uncle,I have a problem.I need your advice.”He told us about his mother ,her stubbornness and her memory that was failing her and the constant friction at home.
My husband listened to him patiently and then said to him that he had to be patient with his mother.Even if he wanted to make a point with her he should tell her that in a friendly manner.We talked with him for sometime.He went down visibly feeling better.

Last week,I and my husband went to our family doctor’c clinic for our routine check up.We were sitting in the hall furnished with nice sofa sets and a TV.After some time amn elderly couple accompanied by two good looking middle aged ladies,later on I came to know they were his daughters,NRIs, entered the hall the wife and his daughters sat down,the elderly man was sitting in a wheel chair.As always my DH initiated conversation with them.The old man said,
“Sir,I want to die.Infact I want both me and my wife to die as soon as possible,even this minute is ok for me.I don’t want to commit suicide,tell me Sir,what can I do about this state of mind of mine?”We were taken aback.


My DH told him,”The journey that has started will have to come to an end.We can not hurry it,have faith in God,be happy about all the blessings you have.”
The gentle man said,”Sir,I have a son and two daughters.My daughters are married and live abroad.I and my wife lived with our son.My daughter in law could not cope up with the stress and strain of having to take care of her elderly and sickly MIL and FIL. So there was constant friction,she started gong to her mother’s house often.My son found a solution to this problem.He rented a single bed room flat for us and he has also arranged for catering food for us.Everything was ok,but we felt very guilty that our son has to spend huge amount of money in taking care of us.I had disc prolapse.I underwent surgery last month.Both my daughters have down to take care of me.These girls of mine are used to some comforts and a room to themselves etc,which I can not give in my small flat.So they have taken a nice two bedroomed flat for rent paying an unthinkable amount of money as rent..They will be leaving for their homes soon.But my dear Sir,I feel very guilty that I have become a burden to my children.That is the reason I said that I want both of us to die,I don’t want to leave my wife at the mercy of her children”His eyes misted,his daughters came and sat next to him and comforted him and his wife who must be used to her husband’s sad outbursts sat silently.

My dear friends,I have no words to tell you ,how I felt.I don’t blame his daughter in law,she must also be having health problems ,I appreciate his son for doing his best to take care of his parents even though it is a big financial drain on his funds.I can not blame the elderly man for feeling this way ,his self respect makes him feel guilty,having to depend on his son.

Medical science has progressed beyond anyone’s expectations.Awareness among people about maintaining good health and eating the right food has become an in thing.So life span of a person has increased.Elderly people nearing 90s are a common sight.Well,For the old, medical support is there,insurance facility is there,awareness is there,but do the old people get equally worthy moral,emotional and psychological support?

The problems of old age is not your problem,it is not my problem,it is not her problem or his problem.It is a social issue.
I appal to the Tatas,Birlas,The Ambanis and The Narayan Murthys, please do something for the elderly.Please start Old Age Retreats with good facilities,you will be earning their blessings,they need your support.

Our elderly people are lonely,they want company,they want entertainment of their choice on TV ,they become nostalgic and want to talk about the good old days and be listened to.

What are we going to do about this?

Socially responsible, conscientious people and people who are taking care of their parents should sit together and chart out plans to make life better for the aged.

Five or six families,if possible relatives or friends who have elderly people at home should arrange for the elderly to meet atleast once a month and chitchat in a common friend’s or relative’s place.Let them spend a couple of hours together,chitchat and come home refreshed and recharged.

Media people,please make a survey and find out what are the programmes most ofthem would like to watch.When there are any number of cartoon channels for the kids, why not have atleast one channel exclusively to cater to the elderly.Let them listen to good music,films that they like to watch,listen to religious discourses.

My MIL,my neighbour lady whose son is in the US ,and the elderly mother whom we met at Mumbai,and the elderly gentleman whom we met at the clinic , are not only lucky to have caring sons,they must have also set a good example to their sons as good caring children to their parents.
How many of us can boast of bringing up children who will not look upon their old aged parents as burdens on them?

If you are young, remember that you will also become old one day.If you are middle aged,remember,old age is just round the corner.If you are in your sixties,like me,listen carefully dont you hear old age knocking on your door?
We need not panic.Just set a good example to the next generation as to how one should take care of one’s aged parents.Your chidren are bound to tread your path.

Old age is not something to be savoured,at the same time it should not become a curse to the old alsur elderly parents surely deserve a better fate than that.​

 

Dear Kamalji,
Let me reiterate to you that my DH and I are looking forward to meeting you.I will make a nice lunch for you my friend and good filter coffee.More than that you are bound to like the company of my husband.

Dear kamalji,you have said that the elderly can blog.For yu and I who are fond of blogging it is ok,but remember that there are millions of old aged peopl who are not bloggers and have no taste for that and most of them can't read and write.Besides everybody does not fancy writing.There is a friend of mine who often complains of boredom,her only daughter lives abroad her DH is a practising doctor.I suggested to her that she should take to blogging and explained to her the rewards that lie in store for her.Her dh got her a computer but after six months of having purchased the blessed computer they have not given connection to it.She simply is not interested.

After some years even I may not feel up to blogging like this because I know that the energy level may dip and all I want would be to simply take rest sit in the balcony and watch the world run past me fast.My dh who is a great writer,has penned many articles and stories says that he is not up to serious reading and writing now.

The Big Industrial houses should start nice old age retreats with some comfotrs and luxuries as well.There are people well to do who can pay a decent amount mony for boading and lodging.The profit they earn should be used to take in economically weak people .

Initially thre will be raised eyebrows and criticisms ,"Oh,look at them.Poor things,they have gone to th old age home!"But slowly th society will accept it as the order of the day.

Regards
mithila kannan

 

My dear Boost&Horlicks&Bournvita,

Thank you dear!I don't know how to express my gratitude to you,you are very kind and your loving words have made my day.

Yes,it is a common sight in every household.The elderly want our company but we have everthing except time and the inclination to spend it with them.

I want to tell you a snippet I got on my mobile.
In the olden age peple did not have a watch but they had time.
Now every one has a watch but no one has time.

love
mithila kannan