A Rambler in the Loo -- Part 1

To my great surprise and endless pleasure, I received today an fb gift from Cheeniya. It was his response to my post "A Sigh to Remember". Those of you who have read it would know that it deals with Japan, where I spent a number of years in different cities. During my absence from India, sometimes with my wife, my son had to live alone in different cities, Kolkata, Delhi, Mumbai and so on. I knew he was lonely and I would often write to him letters that I hoped would bring his spirits up. I had earlier posted a revised version of one such post, "My Wife, Vyasdeva and Other Creatures", on IL. After hearing today from Cheeniya, I can't resist the temptation of posting one more. This was a long letter. So, I will break it up into parts to make it easy on the readers.

___________________________________


Dear Son:
Ever since I reported to you my fateful experience in a Japanese restroom, I have tried my level best to stay clear of any discussion pertaining to that subject. But, as you get older, your resolves start wavering. And then, before you know it, you are back to your infatuation, driving people nuts in the process!

So, here I am, ready to pour out profanities once more. My only defence is that it was you who inspired me this time, by lamenting over the condition of public loos in India . You touched a sensitive chord in me, my son, and there is no way you can stop the tirade anymore, short of committing patricide.

Ah! What a pleasure it is to pontificate on the subject! And what better place to expound on it, except the loo itself? Rather curious this, you know, the Japanese john! The seats are dotted with little light sources, flickering in green, red and orange! And push button switches stare at you tantalizingly when you are at the job. Yet, the explanations written underneath the switches being in Japanese, you feel wary before succumbing to the weakness of pushing one or the other. Hopefully, you might think, the arrangements reflect Japan 's progress in the technology of defecation. But, I must remind you of the immortal scene from Chaplin’s Modern Times, where they had discovered a feeding machine to cut down on workers’ lunch breaks in factories. You cannot help worrying you know. Is this a contraption to make you stop loitering in lavatories? If so, who knows what the push of an innocuous button might lead to? A kick in the bare bottom perhaps? Worse still, suppose it were to activate a centripetal force designed to drag out the contents of your sluggish bowels and, that due to some malfunctioning or the other, it pulled you in instead, lock, stock and barrel! Spending the rest of your life in Japanese sewers is not an appealing prospect, you have got to admit. Pretty close to Dante’s trip through Hell. Even a vague familiarity with the classic would have a sobering influence on ordinary mortals, and prompt them to hold their hands stiffly behind their heads while seated on the suspicious machines.

Well, that at least was the way I was using the toilets till recently. Behind the closed door, I would start out by making apologetic gestures to the bowl itself, resembling Chaplin again in his efforts to appease the boxing rival in City Lights. I dare not sit down before I thought it was adequately propitiated. And even after I succeeded in executing the act of sitting, I remained in terrified agony till I was done. All my mirth gone! No impromptu bathroom singing stirring up my vocal strings! If you were to peep in, my posture might conjure up visions of a bank hold up.

Ever since the Garden of Eden days, however, the strongest of individuals have been seduced. A weakling such as I can hardly be an exception. So, one fateful day in late autumn, I fell! I yielded to the allurement of the all too inviting switches. And discovered the truth in Mephistopheles’ advice to Dr. Faust. Give in to your worst weaknesses, boy, and there follows rich enjoyment. Such indeed was my experience. For, lo and behold! A stream of warm water spouted forth from some region inside the bowl (that I was not acrobatic enough to locate, given the position in which I sat, and imagine the rest of humanity sits when it comes to rendezvous’ with toilet bowls), and began to … ahem! But imagine my surprise as well as glee!

Once you give way to greed, there’s no end to it, as Gautama Buddha would have us believe. So, I pushed yet another switch and almost screamed in delight. The tip of the spout had begun to move around! Gone were my stiffness and fear. Hands no longer behind the head. Bottom no longer petrified. It gyrated instead, in response to the music of the gushing H2O. Or, shall we say the Blue Danube

Waltzing about the toilet seat reminds me of the great Tailangaswamy waltzing in the Ganges . He was a hermit who, instead of choosing the woods as his hideout, had decided to live in the rivers. Ganges mainly. Was an expert swimmer by all accounts, but had this habit of popping out of the water where least expected and scaring the bathers out of their wits. Partly because he never wore any clothes and insisted on delivering sermons in that state! It appears moreover, and do please forgive me if this spoils your lunch, that he could suck in the river water through his posterior and wash his intestines! In sterile scientific terminology, he had converted involuntary into voluntary muscles. Not a product of the market economy mind you. Pure yoga and that alone!

Continued in Part 2

 

You know Kamalji, I have still preserved the first fb I got for this composition. It was my son's response to the original version. He was a research student at IGIDR, Mumbai at the time and he used to feel quite lonely. Anyway, I thought I should cut and paste that response for your consumption. Here it is:

> HA! HA!HA! HA!HA! HA!HA! HA!HA! HA!HA! HA!HA! HA!HA! HA!HA! HA!HA! HA!HA!
> HA!HA! HA!HA! HA!HA! HA!HA! HA!HA! HA!HA! HA!HA! HA!HA! HA!HA! HA!HA!
> HA!HA! HA!HA! HA!HA! HA!HA! HA!HA! HA!HA!
> HA!HA! HA!HA! HA!HA! HA!HA! HA!HA!
> HEE! HEE! HEE!HEE! HEE! HEE!HEE! HEE! HEE!HEE! HEE! HEE!HEE! HEE!
> HEE!HEE! HEE! HEE!HEE! HEE! HEE!HEE! HEE! HEE!HEE! HEE! HEE!HEE! HEE!
> HEE!HEE! HEE! HEE!HEE! HEE! HEE!HEE! HEE!
> HEE!HEE! HEE! HEE!HEE! HEE! HEE!HEE! HEE! HEE!
>
>
> and i'm still laughing! actually people in the computer centre thought
> that i had suddenly gone insane. i kept on reading your mail and could'nt
> control my giggles!!
> dear baba how do you manage it? you know there was a fault in my bringing
> up. a major one too. you should have made required amendments. you taught
> me how to appreciate this, but i cannot create it on my own. wish i
> could. anyway as long as i can appreciate ....
> love mona


I loved this fb!! He must have been around 23 or 24 then. :crazy

And now that young fellow, grown mature, teaches in the US. So does his wife. We miss them so much.

oj

 

Thank you Jaya. Like you I think, I love the English language, though I write a good deal in Bengali too. In fact, I like the Bengali language too. I love everything that I love, including fb's at IL !!

As for the standard of loos, quite apart from the philosophical propensities they nurture in most humans, let me tell you one thing. These loos are truly terrific. And they are progressing technologically over time at a mind boggling speed. They are the last word on the fusion of technology and comfort.

OJ

 

Dear Sundarusha:

Thank you so much. Carrying on from what I had to say to Jaya, let me assure you that your son might even wish that the door wouldn't open once he got used to the magic buttons in Japanese loos!! If God were to offer me a boon, I know what I would ask for! :rotfl

A PRAYER:

Give me a Japanese loo
My God, or may be two,
One for me and one for my wife
On which seated, we'll both thrive
How happy you'll make us
You simply don't have a clue!


OJ

 

Thanks Shanvy. I knew this would be coming to India, now that we have globalized. And since I cannot afford the price you quote, I wrote a prayer which you will find in my reply to Sundarusha.

I hope he hears me soon!

oj-da

 

Thanks Shanvy. I knew this would be coming to India, now that we have globalized. And since I cannot afford the price you quote, I wrote a prayer which you will find in my reply to Sundarusha.

I hope he hears me soon!

oj-da