Toilet Tales

(Oh, oh! Why am I posting Bhiky driven threads? He talks of size and I talk of size and now he talks of toilets and I feel a strong urge to talk about them. I think I should free myself from this Bhikumania. Thank you Bhikubhai for letting us know that people go to loo for reasons other than... well going to the loo.)

Wh-what’s that” he asked pointing nervously to the toilet seat.
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The visitor, a distant cousin from Chennai was not illiterate and certainly must know what a toilet seat was, and I told him so.

“I know it is a toilet seat” he snapped. “But I was expecting an INDIAN style toilet” He said he was more at ease with pit toilets and western style toilet seats made him squirm in them.

“But they are very comfortable” I argued and got a long lecture on sacrificing long term gains for short term comforts. The cousin , a man with back to the Vedas mentality went on to add that the backside must not be sullied by contact with the toilet seat . Such contacts could lead to all kind of difficulties and were probably one of the causes of HIV/AIDS

I thought the dear chap deserved a Nobel Medicine for that discovery but didn’t say so.. Unaware of my thoughts he went on rambling about how using pit toilets strengthened thigh and calf muscles and the knees while the use of western style toilet seats could lead to the bowels going on a near-indefinite strike in the long run.

He was also opposed to the idea of attached bathrooms and toilets. Toilets, he said, should be located in the far back of the house. I already know his views on this. Once when I made the mistake of staying in his house in Chennai, I had to walk half a kilometer around the house to reach the toilet. Heaven help those whose bowels work overtime in his house.

I told him it was a great idea to have toilets far from the house but such a luxury was not possible for people like me who lived in flats. In return I got another lecture on the evils of living in flats.

I heaved a sigh of relief when the guest left. The toilet was of real help. Unwilling to use it for a long time he cut short his visit.

Western style toilets are not only useful in driving away unwanted guests but also help you do your morning crosswords and sudoku sitting on them undisturbed by your family unless and until someone knocks the door and yells “Oh God! Are you still in there?"

My reply to this always was that I was not the almighty but a humble mortal. This went on until the person outside the toilet yelled “P.J.!” or poor joke.

The toilet troubles continued when I built a house in a Tamil Nadu town. When I told the builder that I wanted western style toilets, he looked at me as if I was nuts. I persisted with the idea and fortunately found a sanitary ware shop where they were selling them and managed to buy them cheap at a distress sale. The shopkeeper told me he was getting rid of them as there were no takers. Most of the people in the area were uncouth savages who did not even have pit toilets at home and preferred to go to the nearby fields in the morning with a bottle of water, he said..

That was another problem. My house was quite near a farmers’ village and the fields. Early morning I had the habit of strolling on the terrace taking in the cool breeze from nearby hills. But this didn’t last long.

“The servant woman says you shouldn’t be on the terrace early in the morning” my wife said one morning.

“What business is it of hers?”. I snapped.

“You see the women of the village go to the fields for relieving themselves in the morning, they fear that they would be er…visible to you.”

“No one stopped them from building toilets in their houses” I said angrily,.

“Arrey don’t rub thse villagers the wrong way.. Remember we are just absentee landlords who stay here for only about two months a year in summer. In our absence they could damage the house”. Cursing under my breath I gave up my terrace sojourn.

Soon unhappy with the surroundings we bought a much bigger house in a nearby area.. . The unique feature of the house was an “Indian” toilet whose floor resembled a slide in a children’s park You have to defy all the laws of gravity to use it. I don’t know how the previous occupant’s family managed it. They must have been superheroes or something.

Luckily for us , the first floor of the two-story house had western style toilets. The guy who built the house must have grown wiser after trying to brave Newton’s laws..

But old habits die hard for some people. Our area was apparently posh but occupied by those whom my wife called UMLCs (Upwardly Mobile Lower Classes)..Upward mobility does not change habits you have grown up with as was proved by one of my neighbours.

The guy had a palatial house, ran a transport business and had three cars parked in his garage. But once when I went out for an early morning walk, I found the guy quietly opening his gate and walking towards the fields with a bottle of water! He saw me too.

“Sir the best way to relieve oneself is in harmony with nature. Don’t’ you think so?” he asked me with a sheepish smile. I didn’t but withheld my comment..
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Mindi I am sure everyone, particularly every Indian has a toilet tale to narrate. Globalisation has not ended the debate over pit toilets and toilet seats. The battle goes on!

 

Jaya, no my cousin does not use Toilet rolls. He prefers to use water instead. Yes the pit toilets are still alive and kicking. And in a large number of houses, rural or otherwise, there are no toilets! People go to enrich the soil of the nearby fields. I agree, the toilet seat is a great place for contemplation, catching up with your reading etc.

 

It is not just a question of clean toilets but the right kind of toilets as well. Indian style toilets are a nightmare for the aged who can fall and break a bone or two.Western style toilets are a boon in this age of multitasking. You can read, think solve crosswords sitting on it.