Nostradamus 2008

The room was dimly lit. Anyone other than me, a hardened skeptic would have used the term “spooky”. It was furnished with a rickety table loaded with all sorts of files and three chairs. You could have easily mistaken it for the room of some bureaucrat in the Kafkasque mazes of Indian officialdom. But it was occupied by hold your breath…Nostradamus.

He looked like one of the faceless government servants with his thick spectacles and graying hair. The kind of guy who expects you to provide t temporary relief to his itching palms. He motioned me and my wife to be seated.

He was Nostradamus and something more. The letter I received from my club (Mmbership profile:Upwardly mobile rickshaw pullers) said Dr. Anup Kumar (That is his real name) was a cross between Nostradamus and the ancient Indian astrologer, Brighu rishi. Since Nostradamus- cum – Brighu Rishi was rather too long, for convenience’s sake I decided to think of him as Nostradamus.

The letter described him as an expert in Vaastu and god knows what else. The club management had been frequently accused by members as doing little else except stocking the bar with scotches which no one in Scotland had heard of. So it decided to do something different by getting someone to solve the members’ problems with celestial elements.

I I faced no celestial hassles but my wife, who thought that we did, dragged me to meet the good sage. She reeled out a huge list of woes to him which she thought originated from the wrong direction of our flat’s
. front door.

Nostra (I shortened his nickname further. Don’t confuse him with Cosa Nostra) asked when did we shift to the flat. “ Fifteen years ago” I said and he wanted to know whether Vaastu Purusha was awake or sleeping at that time..

I did not have the pleasure of acquaintance of that person, so I had no clue about his sleeping habits. Apparently Mr..V.Purusha , whoever he was, didn’t like to be caught napping while people moved house.

“I didn’t hear him snoring” I answered irritated at what appeared to be a stupid question.

Nostra guffawed at my reply but my wife looked murderously at me. ”Good j joke” said Nostra. “But it is a serious matter. You can’t shift while Vaastu Purusha is sleeping”

“Who is that guy?” I asked. Vaastu Purusha, Nostra explained, was the patron deity of housing. The chap apparently had regular sleeping habits. He slept during certain months and was awake during others.

I It turned out that we had moved into our flat while Mr.Purusha was deep iasleep.. My wife looked triumphantly at me. She had at last found the source of all our (imagined) woes.

“Nothing to worry” Nostra said soothingly. We could always mend our ffences with the deity, he said and wanted to see our flat plan. My wife gave it to him. He looked at it from all directions making ominous clucking noises with his tongue.

“Oh dear,” he groaned “The plan is faulty” Our kitchen was where the bathroom should be and the bathroom was in the kitchen’s place. “Does it mean we have to shower in the kitchen and cook in the bathroom?” I whispered to my wife.

"Stop joking. It means we redo the flat” she said. Showering in the kitchen and cooking in the bathroom, I thought was a cheaper and more sensible alternative.

“We can’t redo our flat without wrecking the neighbours’. So how about chop suey, does it show a way out?”

“You mean Feng Shui” Nostra said. The penance for our housing sins under Feng Shui was much more severe, he said. The Chinese deities were much more demanding. To erid of our problems we needed a large water body in our living room, preferably a lake or inland sea, Our crimes against principles of good housing were that grave according to Feng Shui. Unwilling to shift Mediterranean or Caspian into our living room we decided to stick to Vaastu..

“You seem to be an expert in all sorts of housing-related stuff” I said. .

“And astrology, numerology, palmistry, tea leaf reading too” Nostra said proudly missing my sarcasm. The man seemed to be a smorgasbord of pseudosciences.

We left with my purse lighter by 500 rupees. With fools like us, this guy must be laughing all the way to the bank..

No we didn’t rebuild our flat. My wife kept scanning the real estate ads in the newspapers now to look for Vaastu compatible flats or houses. In Delhi and neighbouring areas. But builders use “Vaastu” as an excuse for steeply jacking up the prices. Looks like Mr.Nostradamus-cum –Brighu Rishi is going to cost me more than mere 500 rupees, I thought.

But then things turned out for the better. We got a government accomodation thanks to the wifey being a bureaucrat. Now my flat is not causing me any woes. Instead I am earning good rent from it though I haven't asked my tenant so far whether he is facing any Vaastu hiccups.

Dear Balajee,

You are a smart Cat eh ! You paid 500/- to the Vastu Guy, and got Lakhs in rent.You must pay some cut to the Vastu Chap for having graced yr house with his good luck.HAHA.

I just don’t believe in these fellows.This is their way of making money, their business.Regards.kamal

Hi balajee,
that was a good one....nice to hear u got out of it with only 500rs...i do know of people who have redone their house...i do peep into feng shui and vaastu columns much to hubbys amusement and am a half hearted believer in that .....SCIENCE?

Mindi

Originally Posted by Kamalji

Dear Balajee,

You are a smart Cat eh ! You paid 500/- to the Vastu Guy, and got Lakhs in rent.You must pay some cut to the Vastu Chap for having graced yr house with his good luck.HAHA.

I just don’t believe in these fellows.This is their way of making money, their business.Regards.kamal

Kamalji, it is a very good way of making money. Godmen and practitioners of astrology and associated frauds are raking in the moolah. Better than garment exports. You should take up the profession.

Dear Balajee,
After a good afternoon nap, reading your write up was like drinking hot filter coffee! The pleasure it gives was what I derived after reading your blog.

“I didn’t here him snoring” I answered irritated at what appeared to be a stupid question.

That was too good a joke! If we go by all these beliefs, there are a score people out there to take us for a ride. Except God and ourselves, we are willing to trust every Tom , Dick and Harry!
Regards,
Malathi

Originally Posted by Malathijagan

Dear Balajee,
After a good afternoon nap, reading your write up was like drinking hot filter coffee! The pleasure it gives was what I derived after reading your blog.

That was too good a joke! If we go by all these beliefs, there are a score people out there to take us for a ride. Except God and ourselves, we are willing to trust every Tom , Dick and Harry!
Regards,
Malathi

Thank you Malathi, but oops do you have to highlight that line? I missspelt "Hear".

Balajee,
Your post reminded me of a scene in a Tamil movie, where the comedian Vivek, as a vaastu expert, goest to a rich man's house at his request and makes some changes and gets money from him and finally the rich man was not able to get out of the house, because a wall was erected at his front door, citing vaastu reason...and in the end, Vivek says..there are many people without houses, but you got a good one and want to spoil it in the name of vaastu...

sriniketan

Thanks balajee. Had a good laugh!

Hi balajee sir,

Looking at ur title I thought it was some serius subject,but having a good impression on ur writings started reading it,could not understand exactly the first para..and thn it was clear.I was literally rollng on the floorabout MR.v.porusha and ur way of sarcasm abt his sleeping,Poor nostra no idea abt u and having a lake or inland in living room..hahaha
what a hilarious post,,,thanks fr making me to laugh so heartfully...but at last u were lucky to get good paying tenents,hope they dont visit Nostradamus...

,
dg..

hi Balagee,
nice one . Now there are lots of these sort of things where they exploit poor innocent people.
uma