Homemakers and Working Women

Homemakers and Working Women

A Day after Arushi;s murder, NDTV had a studio programme, discussing this problem of servants, working parents, and the children.There was a police commissioner, politicians, citizens, everyone had their say.


But what caught my attention was at the end of the programme, when they were about to sign off the live programme, the NDTV girl asked a panelist, his views on how should children of working parents eb brought up.His reply shocked everyone, even me.


He said working couples should put their children in Boarding School, where they will be taught how to obey rules, and be obedient, rather than leave them at the mercy of servants.Even the interviewer was caught off guard, as it was a live programme.


But I agree to this logic.In the movie “ Bobby” , Rishi Kapoor is shown being sent to a boarding school when he misbehaves with someone at a party.And comes back ahandsome and obedient fellow.I had laughed at the logic of this , but today, I change my views with what has happened with Aarushi.


Both the parents were Doctors, Father seems to have an affair with Dr.Anita Durrani, his collegue, the servant and Arushi were together and alone most of the time at home,which raised the suspicions of the Father, but which I don’t believe to be true.


So what time must the parents be giving to the child.Just a couple of days of holidays, buying of expensive cameras etc.And u call this quality time, is it ?


I have different views on this matter.Today if a lady says to a friend that she is a homemaker, the other friend will laugh and make fun.Being a full time mother is old fashioned.But why have babies , in the first place, when u are interested in yr job first.Today’s working atmosphere has no time, and lots of targets.


Work by all means and give yr best to yr job, and to yr company which pays u well.Acheive all yr targets, and make lots of money which is very important these days to have our share of luxuries.Pay yr taxes, and buy all that u can afford and live in comfort.


But then why have babies, if work is your first priority ? Is not having babies old fashioned? Your mother had babies, yr grandmother had them, and even yr working maid has babies.So why do u want to be middle class and have babies ? Babies are not necessary, are they ? And u are what u are, because of the love and care bestowed to u by your mother, who was a full time mother to you, young lady .


So if u must have babies, u must take out time for them.just as u cant give quality time to yr work and targets but full time, so also give full time to yr children, and not leave them at the mercy of servants at home, or some cretche.


I see these things happening all around me, and I wonder why is it necessary for educated girls to have babies . Don’t have children if work is yr main priority.dont even listen to yr parents and well wishers, work and meet targets.When u have saved enough money, and when u are ready for a baby, then have one.But do justice to the child, and don’t leave him or her, at home with servants, or trouble yr parents or inlaws to look after them.


Amen.


KAMAL MAHTANI

Dear Kamalji,

Sorry to come into your space just to disagree with you.

I was a home maker for 12 yrs after my marriage. From past one year only I hve started to goto work. Aarushi's case is an exception. If you go by the genaralised theory then all fathers are murderers right? Even if the mother is at home, I can show cases of love between servants and the children or love between friends where they elope or have affairs. This is quite common. This cannot be blamed just because the parents are working.

If the mother is a home maker also these kids are tooo smart to avoid their mother's eyes. And parents cannot be behind their back 24 hrs. If the mother is also working, it is not just for career, it is something more. If the family is of a middle class one, with inflation crossing 8, do you think with a single person's earning, we can live comfortably. Sorry Kamalji please wake up..... it is not the question of women going to work which has raised questions after Aarushi's murder. The father having an extra maritial affair and the neglect of the parents and the stupidity of Aarushi and so called servant.

I just can't understand why only a women has to live the job? Is man not equally responsible? Here in this case her father is having a torrid affair which goes unnoticed and the mother being a doctor is getting so much of attention. It is totally an MCP world. I am sorry if I sound so harsh but I have undergone the travails of home maker and I will surely advocate all the ladies to be financially independant. Do you know one more thing, kids of so called working couples are more smart, more independant and can take their own decisions and they do get opportunities to horn their skills (because of the money inflow). May be to solve this problem the ladies can take a break when the child is born and resume their career once the child goes to full time school.

Here also the lady is making the sacrifice and the man is enjoying his booze, ciggie and girls. when will this world and these people change?

Dear Kamalji,

I too will have to disagree with you and agree with Lalitha here. As Lalitha says, bringing up a child is the responsibility of both parents. Even if the mother is at home with the child, there is no saying what the child will encounter when it tries to become a part of the big bad world outside.

I would like to share an experience I had when I visited Germany for a few months -

One of my German colleagues had a 2 month old baby. He would arrive very early to the office, around 6:00 a.m, work through lunch and leave by 3:00 p.m. The reason - to look after the child in the evenings when the mother leaves for her work shift.
I found this arrangement quite nice, that both are willing to be flexible and accomodating, not only for the child's sake, but also for the sake of their careers.

In India, the work culture is not so accomodating. But there are places where parents are given reasonable flexibility.

Moreover, I have to agree with Lalitha when she says that women don't work just because they want money, it is something more than that - fulfillment.

Many women are blessed with extraordinary intelligence and talent, and it is a shame to let that go to waste. Why, the likes of Marie Curie would have never seen the face of science, if they were to restrict themselves to domesticity.
As we all know, her daughter Irene Joliot did not turn out too bad either! She was also a Nobel laureate..

Hope I have not ruffled any feathers here, my apologies all the same!

Cheers,

Sowmya

Dear Kamalji,

Wow Kamalji, another controversial thread? Hope you do not plan to give up comedy.

Boarding schools are no answer for getting an obedient child. If a kid has to get spoilt, it will be spoilt anywhere.

Both the father & mother have equal responsibility towards the child. Those days are gone when rearing a child was the sole responsibility of the mother. Men now a days are more hands on fathers.

Kamalji, if the solution lies in telling ladies to sit at home after child birth to raise morally sound kids, then there would be no crimes etc before 1970s. That is when my mom's generation started to be career women.

Why is then that we had umpteen stories of Bigde Shehzade's where the mother is a homemaker & not a working one? No Kamalji please do not blame us working ladies. In fact kids of working couples are more responsible, independent & have leadership qualities.

Life has become very complicated. It is no longer possible to give the best to the kids with just one income what with the sky rocketing costs of essentials etc.

I have seen many Indian families in OZ where both the parents work & the kids still are a happy balance of Indo-Aussie culture. Oh yes, there are some houses where the personality of the child is crushed by a homemaker mom (no please Homemakers I am not pulling you down. My mom is a homemaker too) because they tend to be more protective.

IN fact Kamalji, here in Oz the would be fathers are told by the Gyneacs that their responsibility does not end with conception. That is why at every scan/meeting, they insist on having both the partners so that both can be told of developments.

Leaving kids at the mercy of domestic, yes that is no good. If you have someone you can trust, go ahead. All domestic helps are not bad. Or why not think of child care centres? They are better.
Kids in child care centres not only get to interact with their own age group but also develop excellent communication skills.


You can have kids & a family too if you strike a balance with your job & family. Yes, I agree there are some ladies who for personal reasons are married to their jobs. They do the right thing by not getting married. But society does not leave them alone. "Zaroor kuch gadbad hai" that is what the poor girl gets to hear every second of her life.

Unfortunately, Kamalji society tends to blame women for anything wrong in society.

Regards,

Corallux

Originally Posted by Kamalji

Homemakers and Working Women

A Day after Arushi;s murder, NDTV had a studio programme, discussing this problem of servants, working parents, and the children.There was a police commissioner, politicians, citizens, everyone had their say.


But what caught my attention was at the end of the programme, when they were about to sign off the live programme, the NDTV girl asked a panelist, his views on how should children of working parents eb brought up.His reply shocked everyone, even me.


He said working couples should put their children in Boarding School, where they will be taught how to obey rules, and be obedient, rather than leave them at the mercy of servants.Even the interviewer was caught off guard, as it was a live programme.


But I agree to this logic.In the movie “ Bobby” , Rishi Kapoor is shown being sent to a boarding school when he misbehaves with someone at a party.And comes back ahandsome and obedient fellow.I had laughed at the logic of this , but today, I change my views with what has happened with Aarushi.


Both the parents were Doctors, Father seems to have an affair with Dr.Anita Durrani, his collegue, the servant and Arushi were together and alone most of the time at home,which raised the suspicions of the Father, but which I don’t believe to be true.


So what time must the parents be giving to the child.Just a couple of days of holidays, buying of expensive cameras etc.And u call this quality time, is it ?


I have different views on this matter.Today if a lady says to a friend that she is a homemaker, the other friend will laugh and make fun.Being a full time mother is old fashioned.But why have babies , in the first place, when u are interested in yr job first.Today’s working atmosphere has no time, and lots of targets.


Work by all means and give yr best to yr job, and to yr company which pays u well.Acheive all yr targets, and make lots of money which is very important these days to have our share of luxuries.Pay yr taxes, and buy all that u can afford and live in comfort.


But then why have babies, if work is your first priority ? Is not having babies old fashioned? Your mother had babies, yr grandmother had them, and even yr working maid has babies.So why do u want to be middle class and have babies ? Babies are not necessary, are they ? And u are what u are, because of the love and care bestowed to u by your mother, who was a full time mother to you, young lady .


So if u must have babies, u must take out time for them.just as u cant give quality time to yr work and targets but full time, so also give full time to yr children, and not leave them at the mercy of servants at home, or some cretche.


I see these things happening all around me, and I wonder why is it necessary for educated girls to have babies . Don’t have children if work is yr main priority.dont even listen to yr parents and well wishers, work and meet targets.When u have saved enough money, and when u are ready for a baby, then have one.But do justice to the child, and don’t leave him or her, at home with servants, or trouble yr parents or inlaws to look after them.


Amen.


KAMAL MAHTANI

Dear dear Kamalji,
I cant agree with you more on this.
When a couple desire to have babies,they should give thought to this question,how are they going to bring up thier children.I too have seen a lot.Not all women can afford to sit at home,sometimes highly qualified ladies who will bw wasting their education when they are at home and not putting their education to use.
One thing is sure,come what may children should not be left at the care of servants.A responsible person like the husband's parent/parents or the wive's parents should be at home to supervise the running of the home,the children.Otherwise the working couple should forget their ego,their preferences and opt to live in a BIG joint family with uncles and aunts and cousins.To what extent this will solve the problem?I do not know.
I want ot share with you something that happened in our house 33 years back.I have two daughters.My husband was very particular that we would attend together only those gettogethers where we could take our kids along with us ,my maid used to come with us ,and sit in a place .
On a newyear evening,my husband himself said,"Let us go out ,and have dinner outside."One of our very close relative a young man was at home,my daughters were 4 and 2 years old.The relative boy said he would take care osf the kids till we came back.We both got ready,left the house,we would not have gone a furlong when my husband said,"Let us go back home"and we returned.I did not ask him why.Long after we came back,he said,:God has given us lovely children we have to be very careful in taking care of them."Thats all he said,but I understood.My respect for my husband increased manifold.

Think well before you opt to have children,when you opt to have children,be mebntally prepared to make some sacrifices in order to bring them up well and give them a sense of security more than luxury and grand style of living.
Well said,Kamalji
Regards
mithila kannan

My dear corralux,
Sorry to barge in in this manner,Iam sure Kamalji won't mind.You have said that in OZ husbands are present in every gynae and patient meet,where as that is not the case here.
I have seen many child care centres,ok.Childcare centres are helpful when the kids are kids,but my dear friend,they they need more care when they are no longer kids,that is the time the parents have to be very alert.I felt bad writing that working mothers should make a choice Iam a woman and compliment women achievers from the bottom of my heart.Working women should make some hundred percent pucca arrangement for the kids when thy are kids and at home,when they are at teens the y need lot of care,you will agree with me.As you said and I also said the same thing a responsible person should be at home.Yes,not all domestic help are bad,but how do you know who is bad and who is good.circumstances make a man good or bad.

My mother's time was different,my time asa mother was different,these days are different.
love
mithila kannan

i totally agree with you kamalji,
the children are exposed in a different manner though but still are away from the danger of being physically abused by the servants, and up bringing can be influenced by the servant, and the child may take a liking to the person available at all times and will have a different view about the parent too,

but in boarding school they have a indifferent image about parents and if the parent is not attentive a child can loose interest in studies and never look forward to a holiday, but in the bracket of danger to its life and habits i think boarding is better, but there too exploitation cannot be ruled out, the best is to be home for a mother if she wants a child in the first place..sunkan

My dear Kamalji and Lalitha,
Please do bear with me for barging in again.This is an interesting thread and Icant resist talking to you.
My dear Laliha,I agree with you that in these days of rising costs and women getting fantastic opportunities to work,she can not sit at home.I think the solution would be to go back to the good old joint family system where the kids are relatively safe with many people at home.So many sacrifices have to be made by the couple when they opt for joint family system but it is worth the effort.
I also agree with you that it is not necessary that children stay very good when the mother is a homemaker,but the risks involved are less.In life we have to pay a price for everything.A working woman enjoys financial freedom and has her own friends to share her joys and sorrows with besides she achieves something in life,there is no doubt about that.But she pays a price of not being at home to take care of her teen aged children.
A woman who is a homemaker pays the price that she is not financially independent,but she gas the satisfaction that when her children come home tired she is there at home.
love
mithila kannan

Dear Mithilaji,

I avae given a general view with what I know happens in Oz. I have not mentioned about any other place. So I do not know what you meant by:

You have said that in OZ husbands are present in every gynae and patient meet, where as that is not the case here.

Yes, Mithilaji Teenage years can be frustrating. I was a teen & I had umpteen questions about life that drove my parents crazy. That is when both parents need to take equal responsibility to educate the kids regarding life. The onus cannot rest just on the mother to educate her child. The father has to step in too.

The main reason kids are an easy prey to domestic helps are because they do not receive the love & affection they deserve from their parents. This can also happen if the mother is a homemaker & is more interested in partying etc. Whereas a career woman can strike a perfect balance between home & work.

As regards to a trustworthy domestic help, Mithilaji I am sure you must have had a network of friends who would vouch for their character.

Mithilaji in a nutshell, what I want to say is that a child's development depends on the input given by both parents. One parent cannot be held responsible.

Regards,

Corallux

hi,
here I agree with Lalitha's views, me being an homemaker myself out of choice for some twenty odd years. But still i feel women should find some kind of job at least as part time if not full time to generally get out of the monotony of being at home. Definitely these are changing times and it is not the same4 as my mother's or grand mothers time. i feel that sometimes the children themselves feel that you are inadequate and and a low morale of the homemaker is worse than a working mother as you don't create a positive atmosphere at home. Here it is not a full time career I am talking about but definitely an interesting job for a few hours when the children are out at school where you meet people get recognised and earn some money too. This definitely creates an overall positive atmosphere in the family and encourages the children too to respect their mothers. It is just the matter of striking the right balance that is important.
regards,
uma