Conditional Marriages

Recently while enjoying a humorous talk show on the TV, I was taken back when an eminent person belonging to the film fraternity whose talk till then was sprinkled with humor suddenly took a serious turn.The cause was some one from the audience asking his opinion about young girls of marriageable age, putting unreasonable conditions before marriage.I could feel the speaker's BP rising when he shouted at all those invisible young women,putting silly conditions at potential grooms, due to which many eligible young men were made to wait the long quueue for the D day. "When are you girls going to get married,in your 60s or 80's",he roared and thumped his fists in anger. Seriously it was a serious issue,no laughing matter.


The star of the talk show pulled down those potential women brides for taking such disastrous decisions (which I felt was taken in their own interests) while they were in the process of choosing a partner . He said it was those conditions which broke up alliances right at its nascent stage.He asked all the young men eager to tie the knot,to wake up from their lethargy and to put an end to such nonsense even to the extent of cancelling official engagements or marriages.For the viewers this show was all the more dramatic with a good deal of cheers and some emotional tears thrown in between.tsk!tsk!


I remember my 70 year old grand mother carrying my horoscope, walking to the potential grooms house in the hot burning sun, in her worn out Hawaii chap pals,hopping and changing three buses to reach their destination only to be told bluntly that the alliance was already fixed. Not even the basic courtesy of offering a cup of water or a few kind words. Many times I stood speechless at her pitiable plight but mad as she was in her search for a groom for me, she ignored such indignant treatments and moved on to her next target. Why nobody shouted during those times when even basic courtesy norms was thrown to winds, when parents of eligible girls were made to run from pillar to post,just to finalize an alliance.


Years have rolled on and there are no more girl looking boy rituals, like presenting the girl in traditional attire along with sweet,Kara,and coffee,asking her to do catwalks, prostrate before everyone including the boy, make her sing songs - in fact nothing a self respecting girl would have agreed to do. In fact she was treated more like a circus artist rather than a lifetime partner. All the tamasha at the cost of girls side including the train fares if the boy and his family resided in other part of India and all this in return with a simple postcard announcing the regret in finalizing the alliance. Dark complexion,lack of good looks, poise,charm,family background,poor financial status,these were simple excuses to turn away a girl. Her good education,her scholarly attitude, her impeccable character,- valuable things which enrich life in the long run were just brushed aside. If the alliance turned positive, there were fish market bargains like dowry,a pair of diamond studs, diamond ring for the groom, 50 or 100 sovereigns of gold,swanky car,apartment, bank deposits? Even a daytime robber would have looked more decent!


There are a number of young married woman professionals-doctors,engineers and their likes who are forced to chuck their jobs at the insistence of their husbands when it comes to taking care of their kids.There are many women who have to fight for their rights for helping out their siblings in their studies financially or help their ailing parents by taking over their medical expenses, issues which have caused serious rift in marital relationships.


So what if a girl puts conditions that she will continue to work even after marriage or will help her parents financially? There may be a handful of men species who respect their wife’s altruism and support her wholeheartedly, but many of them are ready to chop her wings in her pursuit of freedom to do what she wants.Just one look at our great film actors will show how deep their bias is against women getting back in to their profession post marriage .


The present generation of girls are well educated and have a mind of their own.Their independent financial status with an excellent job gives the extraordinary courage and confidence which the girls of the previous generation lacked. Now the tables are turned and it is the girl who is seen giving orders and conditions.So what is the big deal? Why so much of hue and cry.


The day when every woman is recognized for her education,talent, courage, confidence and self respect by her husband,in laws,and the society,that is the day when any marriage can survive. Marriage is an unwritten contract between two individuals where the individual private space should be respected and adhered. It is not the quantity of years spent together between the husband and wife but it is the quality of relationship -where a woman is respected and treated with concern, shown genuine warmth,compassion, where she has the right to choose her friends,pursue her hobbies and where she is not used as a door mat or a sleeping partner.Amen!!!




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Dear Mahavid,

I was very apprehensive about putting my views about this subject, bluntly in this thread, but your first comment of appreciation wiped away all my fears. thank you!

 

Dear Satchi,

In these days of growing intolerance I am scared to name the person who gave this talk,a person who belongs to the powerful circle. I have just put down my personal views and experiences which I have gone through many times in my personal life, combining the views of the actor.Thank you for your feed back.

 

Dear Vishva,

Believe it or not, I am a married well educated 60 year old woman, meek and passive by nature. This meekness led to situations where I was bullied throughout my married life. It was my daughter who opened my eyes, and now I have learnt to lead a happy marriied life with my dignity intact.