Helpless to Help

As I stepped into Raji's house, I could see the excitement in the air. Her husband Sethuraman had setup Nadaswaram music in the stereo system. Along with the music's low vibrations came the smell of payasam and vadai. Raji came forward to greet me her lovely face wreathed in smiles and shining with anticipation. "Sriram and Vidya will be here any minute" she said taking me in to show all her preparations. Sriram was her only son and Vidya her newly wed daughter-in-law (DIL).
Today the newly weds were returning home for the first time after an elaborate honeymoon involving extensive travel..All of our friends had warned Raji to either move away from their home along with her husband or to setup a seperate residence for her son and dil. But Raji being the loving person that she is would not hear of it.
She could not understand why there would be any problems and told everyone who would lend their ears that her dil was different. It was a fact that Sriram had insisted before marraige to Vidya that he preferred the joint family way of life and had been assured by Vidya that she preferred that too. I left after the newlyweds arrived and had settled in. Vidya called me aunty in a very loving way and I hoped for Raji's sake this arrangement will work.
I had a little more experience in this field than Raji did as I had 2 sons married and settled abroad. Once in 2 years my husband and I undertook the long and tedious journey of travelling abroad, sitting on the cramped flight for hours together. We managed to spend 3 months at each son's place. And well into the first week in that country my husband and I started a count down for a journey back to homeland.
It required a lot of patience and poise to handle dil's. Though I had nothing against them, it was just my realisation that I had to bend to their tunes and I better adjust to their way if not... And its just my personal opinion. One factor that would aid is that no expectation should be placed on the dil and accept each day as it comes. I tried to tell my experiences to Raji who firmly blocked me out. For her, Vidya was special and definetly unlike the "others".
Before long rumblings started at Raji's residence and I did not pay too much heed to the differences between mil and dil assuming that they would work it out over time.Raji's main problem was that her workload had increased. She now also had to cater to her working dil so her work seemed to increase and dil showed no signs of sharing the workload to ease the burden and strain on Raji. Especially after Vidya got pregnant I felt things would get better. But things got worse. Raji had to wait hand and foot on dil and at her age Raji had really been hoping for some rest. Still she put up a brave face as it was her beloved son's life.
Soon Raji was catering to her whole family and the new born with help from her husband. Between the two of them they divided the work and tried to help as much as they could. Matters were somehow sustained until the day Vidya announced (based on her mother's advice) that she would be leaving her child in the nearby daycare when she returned to work after her 90 day maternity leave was over. Raji literally blew up. I tried my very best to restrain Raji against verbally commenting about the situation. But Raji could not bear the thought of her adorable grandchild in unknown hands and things came to a crossing point very soon. Vidya and Sriram decided to find a small flat across town and one fine morning packed up and left.
I visited Raji and her husband that morning to divert their minds from the situation. It was very sad for me to see the elderly couple all by themselves. Neither really knew what had gone wrong. They both beat themselves up with things they felt they should have done differently. I was truly helpless. I knew this was the end from the start. I had tried to tell, inform, coax, teach, warn predict Raji of the outcome. All through Raji had been adamant in her belief that her kids were different. Maybe her kids were different. Maybe not. But this is today's reality.
The elderly have had years of hard work behind them and now entering their golden years always had the hope they would still retain the loving relations with their offspring. Conceding that the youngsters also had a busy life, still it was never too much to ask for a phone call enquiring over mother's or father's health.
When kids spend so much time on the phone talking to all and sundry why did they not spare a few minutes each day to call on their own parents who had given up so much in life to raise the kids. True to form Sriram and Vidya rarely called using lack of time as a big excuse. Raji now had to fix an appointment to go visit her grand child. And the appointment was timed from start to finish as the little one was already enrolled in classes targeting little ones'. Raji wondered to me how she could have done anything different. Raji had calmed herself down and now looked forward to the occasional visits from her son's family.I knew in my heart that whatever she did or did not do, this was the forseeable end.
Maybe the younger generation has changed and were more impatient with demands from elders. Maybe not every situation is the same. Maybe being seperate from the beginning might have helped. Maybe one has to start being detatched the day one's child is born. Maybe that might save the hurt and disappointment. Maybe I needed to learn from Raji that she dared to dream and would soon pickup the left behind pieces with hopes in her heart that things would mend very soon. Maybe I should not get into these situations where I want to help but find myself helpless to help.

Very opt title.

Surely its helpless situation except to feel for those parents.

Personally I feel, those days are gone, where youngsters think their parents as their inner circle.. part of your life... Nowadays its all nuclear centered...wife and kids or husband and kids is what major life revolves around... taking parents into their umbrella seems to be a bigger responsiblity.. I am not saying the entire youth.. but atleast most of them nowadays prefer only that..

I have been to weddings, where after initial ceremony after marriage, newly weds start their life separately and not in a joint family anymore. When I mean joint here .. its not those days types - like brothers, uncles, thatha pattis and everyone... joint family has a new meaning now - being with parents..

they say the following in tamil..

kaasu kaasu nu kaasai thedi poroom
paasam paasam nu paasathai kotti valartha petroorkalai maranthoom

Thats what comes to my mind now...

Hope God give Raji the strength to see this change.

That was a good narration, anandchitra.And I am amused to read the sentences,
When I mean joint here .. its not those days types - like brothers, uncles, thatha pattis and everyone... joint family has a new meaning now - being with parents..
by nandshyam!How everything has changed, is changing and going to change!If only we elders can realize that 'expectations bring disappointments', life would become, if not perfect, at least, good.

Dear AC

I just read this as I am getting ready to go out , but I had to write that this is a topic very close to my heart. You have written so well.

[quote=Nandshyam;323068
Personally I feel, those days are gone, where youngsters think their parents as their inner circle.. part of your life... Nowadays its all nuclear centered...

[COLOR=royalblue]Nandu You have said the above so accurately.. thats exactly how it is![/color]

I have been to weddings, where after initial ceremony after marriage, newly weds start their life separately and not in a joint family anymore. When I mean joint here .. its not those days types - like brothers, uncles, thatha pattis and everyone... joint family has a new meaning now - being with parents..

What you mean joint here is the reality today..

Hope God give Raji the strength to see this change

Raji is a fictional character.. I was only trying to convey my point illustrating a story like view.. thanks for your comment:).Sorry I tried to do something and messed up this reply.. not intended.

Originally Posted by kaluputti

That was a good narration, anandchitra.And I am amused to read the sentences,
When I mean joint here .. its not those days types - like brothers, uncles, thatha pattis and everyone... joint family has a new meaning now - being with parents..
by nandshyam!How everything has changed, is changing and going to change!If only we elders can realize that 'expectations bring disappointments', life would become, if not perfect, at least, good.

Dear Kalupatti
You wrote a gem with your words.. If only we elders realise that expectations bring disappointments... so very very very true:)

Originally Posted by sundarusha

Dear AC

I just read this as I am getting ready to go out , but I had to write that this is a topic very close to my heart. You have written so well.

Dear Usha
it is also close to my heart as well.. this is a story.. fiction based on what i see.. as a daughter and daughterinlaw could not do anything the way i wanted to help both sets of parents.. maybe being born a girl is a curse.. Hope you find time to add more ..

Dear AC,

A beautiful story and written very well.

Its true these days everybody is concerned abaout naan, enn pondatti, enn kuzandhai noo noo parents in this list. Everybody has become so self centred. Once these people become old will not their kids treat them like that.

Whatever everybody says, joint family ie the modern day JF living with parents is worth everything. The kids are the most benefitted of this arrangement. Though there is a cold war most of the time between the DIL & MIL but still if everybody oversees the faults and adjusts a little. It is total bliss. Adjustments, Compromises are words only in the dictionary nowadays. We all learnt these things from childhood but now kids do not know their thathas or pattis then only they can know their chitthappas and mamas.

Dear AC,

Though you say it is a story , and these characters are fictitious, i have seen many families going through this! Like you had ended , with all the MAYBE , i think one has to keep a distance and not expect too much. Anyway in my case i have a daughter only, so have to learn anyway to keep a distance, otherwise i will be branded a mil who has stolen the son in law....he he.....so that is also a danger i have to put up with. So being too close with the daughter and she being close to her family is also considered wrong! I and a friend who has a son, are already exchanging views from opposite sides on this topic, more so that we can understand the situation and feelings involved. Best would be when both the families also get along and understand each other , so that they leave their married sons and daughters alone to lead their married life without any interference and emotional upheavals!
Anyway AC, we are going the GITA way, so we will start becoming detached by then, wont we!?

Dear AC,

Nice write up ...

God has to give strength for the Older people ... Facing this kind of situation that too with their own son who has changed after marraige makes life miserable for parents ...

I don't understand why there is always one or the other is opposite ... Either MIL will be good-hearted and DIL will be opposite character else DIL will be good-hearted and MIL will be opposite character ...

When this will end ... :confused: ...

Thanks for sharing such a touching story dear AC ... Regards, Suni ...