Untained Parent's Love

The couple who were childless used to face unbearable backlash from the society in the earlier generations. Especially women were unfairly blamed for childlessness to protect the men being ridiculed. Social taboos were several including preventing those women from participating in the functions relating to the children, preventing them from holding the child and blessing them. The very same society that blamed the couple for childlessness didn’t encourage them to adopt children those days. But the scientific advancements introduced several solutions for disheartened couple to have children through various methods nowadays. While vast majority of them opt for such solutions, a handful of couples decide to adopt a child from an orphanage with a specific intend to raise them and enjoy the pleasure of parenting. The motive is not to give life to a child but to enjoy the parenthood.

One question that always comes up in such parenting is in the absence of credible gene information about the adopted children whether the parents would face unpredictable behavioral issues from such children making the parenting extremely difficult to comprehend. “Blood after all is thicker than water” is the saying to indicate one can easily understand the bloodline and predict the future of the children who are biologically born to the couple. Even in sports, personnel are recruited based on bloodline. The purpose of this post is to analyze the catastrophic affect that such unacceptable behavior (both verbal and body language) from the adults could cause in the growing up of the adopted children.

First of all, whether to have a child using the scientific advancements or adopt a child should be a matter left to be decided only by the couple after evaluating various pros and cons associated with such parenting. Once the couple makes the decision to adopt, they should stick by their decision and should be willing to face any insidious approach taken by the extended family members and never be gullible to such provocations. The adopted parents should do everything to protect those children from unnecessary mental agony. An innocent comment like whether the child resembles the mother or father could have significant impact on the child, if he or she is already aware of the adoption. The extended family members should neither praise the kind gesture of the adoptive parents in the presence of the child nor treat the child with special attention. Any appreciation of the child should flow naturally without communicating anything special.

Having said all the above, it would be meaningless to conclude this post without giving illustrations of what one of the adopted parents faced in real life. A couple after 4 years of marriage decided to adopt a child from an orphanage. They didn’t discuss the excruciating details of who had what health problems preventing them from having a biological child. They took permission from parents of both families and brought a male child into their life. Luckily, they lived far away from most relatives but on occasions brought the child with them to attend functions. Some relatives were asking questions such as, “Do you know who the real parents are and do they visit him?” to “Do you know his blood group?” to “Does he speak fluent Tamil?” to “What is his Gothram?” to “Is he in good health?”

What difference does it make whether the background of the child is known or unknown? Why is it any different than raising one’s own biological child? Will the parents not learn the blood group of a child? Why would the child not speak Tamil, if the parents speak Tamil? How does it matter what was his original Gowthram? Even if the child is sick, won’t the adopted parents give good medical care? Through this post, I would like to assure every adoptive parents that the child would emulate every value the adopted parents have and by promoting the skills of the child, the adopted parents can make the child extremely successful. He or she would also lead a healthy life without any doubts. Environment of love is a great motivator for the child to learn to enjoy and lead a happy life. The least others can do when they come across the adopted parents or children is to treat them like normal parents and carefully avoid questions that probe about their experience of adopting a child. Even if such questions were to be asked, ensure that it is not asked in the presence of the child. Those children are God’s gift to the humanity and the adopted parents are not doing a favor to the child and it is the child that gives an enormous amount of joy of parenting. The love doesn't get tainted whether a child is biological or not. As I have written many articles about adoption in the adoption section of IL, I am not repeating them here.

(This post is triggered by one of the ILites writing about one of her family members adopting a child)

 

Dear Satchi,

You hit the bull's eye and such thoughts go through the adopted parents mind as well but most of the time, they spend good chunk of their time to ensure the child is comfortable in every aspect than to get involved in a debate with those people. Again, you are right on target as far as Gothram is concerned because if a woman's gowthram changes after marriage, why not children's? You won't believe if I say this.

I know a family that didn't even touch the adopted child right from young age until the child is grown up into a fine human being. If I have the right, I would examine both their brain and heart to find out what they are made out of. Sometimes, people intentionally appreciate the adopted parents about what a great heart they have in the presence of the adopted child and other times, they show from their actions that the adopted child is different. They question the complexion or even question the appearance of not resembling the parents.

But more than those things, what breaks my heart is when the adopted parents after adopting decides to hand over the child back to the orphanage before the end of 1 year temporary custody period because of the pressure from the family. Just imagin how the child would feel when that happens. I have noticed a few who did it indicating they made a mistake to begin with. It is a very costly mistake that rips the heart of a child.

Viswa

 

Dear Shanvy,

Thank you for your visit here. In general, most adopted parents prefer to keep it to themselves about the adoption to the extent possible unless it is absolutely essential to share that information. Of course, the immediate family members would know it anyway.

I couldn't agree more with your statement that one should adopt with a whole heart not just because one needs a child. There is no point in proving anything to anybody. They should neither be lenient to the child because the child is adopted nor put extra pressure. They have to treat the same way they treat a biological child and this is very important especially when people adopt the second child when they have the first biologically born child. Frankly, I have more respect for those who adopt the second child when they have biologically born first child.

If the parents are happy and express deep love, the adopted child is very happy. However, I am not sure whether the society takes cue from the behavior of the parents. But the parents can surround themselves with people who have clean conscience and love the child like any other child.

Viswa

 

Dear Kamalji,

Thank you for your kind words. Knowing you very well now, I am sure that you would have fulfilled your wishes to adopt if you had the age and raised that child extremely well like your own two lovely daughters. As you said, joy of raising the child is a reward for the parents and it is not a favor to the child. Whether biological or not, the children always emulate the parents and their great values.

I agree with you that those who question the adoption should be kept away from the child and life. If one gets to spend a few months with a child that bond is unbreakable and people are mistaken when they think that such bond would arise only with a biological child. The mind has the potential to consider any child as one's own provided one loves the child with whole heart.

Viswa

 

Dear Vaidehi,

If the in-laws are supportive of such a decision, it makes the life a lot easier. If not, the parents may have to keep the child away during growing up phase to ensure the child is unaffected by any hostile body language or verbal communications. Most families are good but there are a few rare situations where such things happen.

Thank you for stepping in and sharing information about your cousin adopting a girl child.

Viswa