Arranging a marriage alliance

joylokhi · Apr 4, 2015

Its been a little more than 2 years now, since my husband decided its time to look for a bride for our

Younger son, away in the States. He had completed his Masters and settled into his job, paid back the student loan he had taken etc – so we felt its time for him to settle down – he would have a family of his own and would not miss family here too much. As my elder son had chosen his girl himself (It was a love marriage arranged by both the families together ), I was also excited about
Going ahead with choosing a girl for him. With a mother’s pride of having a very eligible boy (to my mind)I decided there would be no problem at all and everything would get settled in a jiffy.
But, I was sadly mistaken.

The first and most important hurdle:
From my son:
(i) Are you trying to fix a child marriage? I am only 25 and feel mentally only 22 or 23 –
Where is the hurry?
He was having a wonderful time concentrating on his job, his outings with friends on weekends,
Their potluck lunches,trekking , visiting places etc and marriage was nowhere in his scheme of things
At the moment.
(ii)Next, blame from husband: He will say things. It is upto us to convince him.
It is our responsibility.

- it i((iii) Then come the horoscopes matching etc - after convincing him that things will not get settled so easily – it could run into years – so he was happy !

(iv) Seems like he took it literally, and if the horoscopes match(which is of no consequence to him) but very important from our point of view, getting them to communicate is another issue altogether. Reasons: Difference in time zones – we are not finding time .
(v) Seeing that he was clearly not interested I had to fight with my husband and decided to not Proceed further till he himself asks us to look out. Hence a gap of 6 months or so and then Again , his father started pressurising both of us to start the search. To be fair to him, he told him he is free to choose whomever he wants – but with Conditions- should belong to Our community only. He than agreed for us to begin the search with the condition that he would want to meet the girl personally, get to know her before agreeing.

(vi) And so the search goes on – with us keeping our fingers crossed on each occasion that he wants to communicate with a girl – and then continuing when he/they decide not to go ahead.

Meantime, keeping other proposals in waiting, frustrations of not being able to give a definitive reply either way etc .

In sum, Arranging an ‘ arranged marriage’ – is not as simple as it was in our times, where once horoscopes were matched, and family particulars exchanged, the girl seeing was just a formality and it was taken for granted that the alliance is finalised – unless something drastic had occurred.

butterflyice · Apr 4, 2015

@joylokhi madam, I am seeing my parents' frustrations while reading your post. It must have been hard on them waiting for me to communicate with the prospective groom and then convey my "result ".

I agree with you that arranging an arranged marriage especially when separated by distances is not an easy task.

If I may suggest, 25 years is too young for a man to get married. These days even women don't get married that early. I do understand where you are coming from given that he is all alone in another country. But if its possible , you might consider waiting for a few more years when your son is really ready to get married. Then he will not be giving different time zone as a reason to not communicate with the girl.

Another option is to search for girls already in US studying or working. THat way they can meet each other and go on from there. A lot of my husband's friends took that route to get married.

Good luck for your son to get married well. And good luck on being a mother in law

joylokhi · Apr 4, 2015

Hi butterflyice,
Thanks for your first feedback. You have analysed the situation very well. Yes we have been seeing only girls already studying/working in the US and mentioned as such in his matrimony profile. However, finding this also not enough, we have started considering any case - where girl is willing to move abroad. As u say, it is only when he himself is seriously wishing to go ahead, we can expect results. So, for the present we are taking it easy.

Rohanj · Apr 4, 2015

I read your snippet. Just one doubt. Why is everyone after the condition that the girl or the boy should be of our community? In our family also, one of my cousin sister had a love marriage. The boy was from other community. All hell broke lose when my grandfather learned about this. Thanks to my mom, everything's fine now. Even my cousin sister is happy with her husband. So what's with this community thing?

butterflyice · Apr 4, 2015

Rohanj said: ↑

So what's with this community thing?
Click to expand...

I can only answer for myself. See when a woman marries, she is married into a family. Her life changes in a drastic manner. She moves into another household which usually has a different way of doing things. She has to adapt to this new way of living. Apart from this she might have to change companies/jobs if she is working and her husband is working in a different city/country. With all these changes, the only source of comfort is often the familiar stuff - the food, the customs, the festivals and poojas that you celebrate etc.

I think that's the reason the community factor is emphasised.

Also in most homes, the wife becomes the "carrier of culture". She is the one who passes on the cultural and family's heritage to her kids. Many a time, the wife passes on only her community's culture as opposed to her husband's. Very rarely there is this beautiful seamless amalgamation of 2 cultures.

In one sentence, the couple has to work that much harder once the kids come into picture.

Rohanj · Apr 4, 2015

butterflyice said: ↑

I can only answer for myself. See when a woman marries, she is married into a family. Her life changes in a drastic manner. She moves into another household which usually has a different way of doing things. She has to adapt to this new way of living. Apart from this she might have to change companies/jobs if she is working and her husband is working in a different city/country. With all these changes, the only source of comfort is often the familiar stuff - the food, the customs, the festivals and poojas that you celebrate etc.

I think that's the reason the community factor is emphasised.

Also in most homes, the wife becomes the "carrier of culture". She is the one who passes on the cultural and family's heritage to her kids. Many a time, the wife passes on only her community's culture as opposed to her husband's. Very rarely there is this beautiful seamless amalgamation of 2 cultures.

In one sentence, the couple has to work that much harder once the kids come into picture.
Click to expand...

Ok, I get the picture. But this was more relevant in olden days. Now picture is changing, isn't it? But it is more prevelant in rural areas or say outside metro cities.

CrayoNess · Apr 4, 2015

butterflyice said: ↑

I can only answer for myself. See when a woman marries, she is married into a family. Her life changes in a drastic manner. She moves into another household which usually has a different way of doing things. She has to adapt to this new way of living. Apart from this she might have to change companies/jobs if she is working and her husband is working in a different city/country. With all these changes, the only source of comfort is often the familiar stuff - the food, the customs, the festivals and poojas that you celebrate etc.

I think that's the reason the community factor is emphasised.

Also in most homes, the wife becomes the "carrier of culture". She is the one who passes on the cultural and family's heritage to her kids. Many a time, the wife passes on only her community's culture as opposed to her husband's. Very rarely there is this beautiful seamless amalgamation of 2 cultures.

In one sentence, the couple has to work that much harder once the kids come into picture.
Click to expand...

In this case that is not so applicable. The groom-to-be is already living independently and they are looking for a bride that is already living in the US (so most probably she is also living independently). In this case it is more about two adults finding each other.

Sparkle · Apr 4, 2015

joylokhi said: ↑

In sum, Arranging an ‘ arranged marriage’ – is not as simple as it was in our times, where once horoscopes were matched, and family particulars exchanged, the girl seeing was just a formality and it was taken for granted that the alliance is finalised – unless something drastic had occurred.
Click to expand...

@joylokhi:
True, arranging an arranged marriage is getting more and more complicated. IMO, 25 years is still young to get married. Given the complexity of finding a satisfactory match, acceptance from both sides as well as a good match on horoscopes will take quite a number of years. The dilemma in making the final decision also will consume some time. Considering these items, 25 is definitely a good start.
Also, even 15-20 years back, women did not get to say much when it comes to marriage. Now women put forward a lot of things they want/need from a marriage. It is a good thing, but it also has several cons. I have seen personally as well as heard women (men too) agreeing to marry and then break off a promise they made later. That makes arranged marriages even more difficult.

Sparkle · Apr 4, 2015

Rohanj said: ↑

Ok, I get the picture. But this was more relevant in olden days. Now picture is changing, isn't it? But it is more prevelant in rural areas or say outside metro cities.
Click to expand...

There is only very slow change when it comes to community. It is prevalent in rural as well as metros.
If communities are not prevalent in metros, people will stop using the name of their community in their names and signatures. Some very well-educated persons in metros are very proud to say it out loud that they belong to so and so community. On a wider scale, the usage and practice is subtle in metros and pops up effectively at times of fixing marriages, the way marriages are done, at workplaces, making friends/groups etc.

Speaking of marriages, a choice of communities depends on the families. For some this works very well. For some it doesn't. Removing this criteria should be more of a personal choice.

joylokhi · Apr 4, 2015

Rohanj said: ↑

I read your snippet. Just one doubt. Why is everyone after the condition that the girl or the boy should be of our community? In our family also, one of my cousin sister had a love marriage. The boy was from other community. All hell broke lose when my grandfather learned about this. Thanks to my mom, everything's fine now. Even my cousin sister is happy with her husband. So what's with this community thing?
Click to expand...

Both butterflyice and Sparkle have articulated about this, much better than i would have been able to. Even within the community, practices in different families in different regions differ so much and we have found disputes etc between the two families. Ofcourse now, the problem is easy to the extent that couple would be staying away most times - but there would always be occasions for family getting together/ functions etc - and common known religious/cultural practices does make it easier - in our view.