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With love in heart we can be one family

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by iyerviji, Feb 27, 2015.

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  1. Feb 27, 2015 #1
    iyerviji

    iyerviji IL Hall of Fame

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    Why girls get married and go to a strangers home? Because they are blessed angels of the almighty .After filling their own home with colour of happiness
    they go away to colour others home . Realize the values of girls and respect them    . They make our world meaningful and beautiful….    ​
    Woman play different kind of roles as a girl, then wife, mother, grandmother, aunty, etc. Now a days through facebook and Indusladies and might be other forums to we come across so many women and become friends. Now a days we can chat through whatsapp also and share our daily routine and our joys and sorrows. We become like one family. Without meeting each other we become friends and we meet each other we become more friendly and love each other more.

    There are old age homes where all the senior citizens become like one family. There also there are retired Doctors, salesmen, accountant etc. and they become helpful to each other. Though they are far away from their family they dont feel much because here they get love and affection .

    Working women spend most of their time in office and there also they are like a family and love each other and are there for each other. I have worked for 38 years and while working enjoyed with friends. We had gone to picnics, attended marriages , helped each other when needed, have also helped lovers get married etc. etc.

    When unknown woman can become one family why not mother in law and daughter in laws living in a home. People might not like me writing this but I have the right to tell my views. When I got married my mother in law was loving at the same time used to express her views. Before marriage I was thin and others were hesitating but my mother in law only told them after marriage she will put on weight. So I got married. She used to object for some things but my husband used to say what to do you both are same for me like my two eyes, so I cant take anyone's side. So I used to respect her and live according to her interest. She used to praise me also sometimes. I was happy that I had the opportunity to take care of her on her last days. She could not take salt much and the day she left she had the rasam with salt(I dont remembr the name of thesalt) . She lived only two years after my marriage .

    People who dont have children only know how difficult it is to be without children. So a mother being attached to her son even after his marriage we should take it in a right sense. I dont know how to express my feelings but I feel we should treat our mils also like our mothers. There are some mils who dont treat their dils properly but what to do all are not same.

    Sorry I dont want to hurt anyone but just penned down my feelings
    ​
     
    iyerviji, Feb 27, 2015
    iyerviji, Feb 27, 2015
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    8 people like this.
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  2. Feb 28, 2015 #2
    joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear vijimam,
    you would have by now gauged the attitude of the DILs in IL from the relationship columns:
    1. your MIL did not give birth to you, so she has no right to question you or expect anything from you.
    2. 100% generalisation- the son before his marriage would be wasting away his time and have no interest in the family/his parents, but only after marriage this sudden interest is developed.
    3. A DIL has a right for a continued wonderful relationship with her parents, but
    son should not so much as show the same love and respect for his parents, once married.
    4. Only the NEEDs of the parents can be considered - no luxuries. Wife has absolute say in this respect.
    and much more.
    This being the situation, i wonder how many will take things in the positive way you or I would advocate.
    Anyway, am glad to express my feelings, just the way you did.
     
    joylokhi, Feb 28, 2015
    joylokhi, Feb 28, 2015
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  3. Feb 28, 2015 #3
    iyerviji

    iyerviji IL Hall of Fame

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    Thank you Joylokhi for being the first one to give the feedback and make my day. And also for sharing your views . I agree with what you have written.

    The othe rday I had gone to my friend's house . She was saying before marriage my son used to like only pizza etc and used to comment on it but now whatever his wife prepares he will say its superb . Now a days some parents also want their children to live independent so that they can meet whenever needed and love each other
     
    iyerviji, Feb 28, 2015
    iyerviji, Feb 28, 2015
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  4. Mar 1, 2015 #4
    Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    If only we knew the answer to that question, aunty! We wouldn't have our Rel with in-laws forum!
    Not hurt at all, your question has stunned even the greatest philosophers. When we women can get along fabulously with every remote stranger on the internet, why do the MILs/DILs thrive on drama? You know what, I don't know.

    In my case, I have a great mil. She tells me she learned from her MIL how to be nice to a DIL. So I have to thank the Grand-MIL whom my husband and I did not have the privilege of meeting.

    The reason I get along with her is because she made the effort.

    I don't equal anyone to Mom though. My MIL herself says "Pathu Amma chamanjalum petta amma aavilya, Mom comes first". (Even if I do ten times that of the mother the mother is the mother). I think that's what I like the most about her. The fact that she gives my Mom first preference in my life. Even this time when I was in India, after my customary visit to her place, she duly packed me and the kids off to my parents. She told me that I need Mom's support the most and she can't provide that. She made me go spend as much time with Mom as possible. I mean the kids are as much her grandkids as my Mom's but she put me ahead of herself. That's one reason I always have deep respect and love for her.

    Unfortunately, my emotions, I can't share with her. Only Mom gets the call in the middle of the night for me to break down and cry. I've cried so much in the past year that I wonder how my mom is able to hold it all together and stay strong for us. I wish I could off load as much on my MIL but both of us are unable to do that. We are close, we share stuff but she is unable to console me as much as mom can. I guess that's why she herself feels the need to tell me to not call her but call mom.

    I don't interfere in her relationship with my husband. I usually don't have to. She usually talks to me more than him. She keeps telling me that she is lucky I'm around to listen. He often has no time for any of us. My MIL always tells him that he is super lucky to have me in his life, any other girl might have run away by now the way he works!

    All the credit to our good relationship goes to her. She never puts herself ahead of me. Never puts her relationship with her son ahead of mine with my DH. She isn't a careless mom at all. She is a very loving mom. She has raised her only child with great devotion. Even his cup, she takes it away to wash. But as she was doing it, she taught him that mom is mom but wife is also someone's precious child. He tells me she always told him when your wife gets into the picture, you can't expect her to be an equal and yet expect royal treatment.

    Now how can I have nothing but love for this amazing soul? She's a wonderful human being first, great daughter/wife/ mom next and an amazing MIL and Grandmother. So many roles and she successfully completes each one. I wish more women were like her.
     
    Laks09, Mar 1, 2015
    Laks09, Mar 1, 2015
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  5. Mar 2, 2015 #5
    iyerviji

    iyerviji IL Hall of Fame

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    Laks dear I am very glad to know that you have a great mother in law who gives importance to your mother for you. If every mother thinks like her then the daughters in law will bevery happy. Every daughter feels that there is noone equal to their mother , thats why some dont like calling their mother in law as mother.

    You are a loving daughter, loving wife, loving mother and loving daughter in law. Both you and your mother in law are lucky to have each other. Mom daughter relationship is very precious and as you have mentioned some things we can share only with our mother. My younger daughter needs me always and after marriage she misses me. Thanks to technology we are able to keep in touch though she is abroad. Her husband tells her everyday you talk to your mother what is there so much to talk to her. Thanks for your wonderful fb dear.
     
    iyerviji, Mar 2, 2015
    iyerviji, Mar 2, 2015
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  6. Mar 21, 2015 #6
    Kamla

    Kamla IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Vijima,

    Congratulation for being nominated to FP for this post by Sahana!

    A well placed question! If we can love total strangers who may have just given a 'like' to our posts on a distant social network and grow to befriend them for life, how come we women do not befriend The Mother-in-law?!

    Well, you have received some views on why it simply does not work. The MIL and DIL syndrome is world wide! That sort of makes me somewhat happy to know it is not integral to our Indian sub-continent! Ha ha! I know, it is sort of being happy about the neighbor's misfortune!

    I too have often wondered why one cannot have a friendly relationship with the husband's mother. Some few women do find this friendship and are blessed. When one contemplates on it, goes to show the Woman's mentality. Possessiveness and ego. Why o why are we unable to win over these two?

    I feel the Women as a whole are trying. Let us wish ourselves Best of Luck!

    L, Kamla
     
    Kamla, Mar 21, 2015
    Kamla, Mar 21, 2015
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  7. Mar 24, 2015 #7
    satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    Good question Vijima. I wish all mils could have good dils and vice versa. No one is perfect. MILs and DILs would definitely have their grouses against each other, but when it comes to a question of 'possessing' the same individual arises, problems are not far behind.

    Also, sharing the same space with one woman dominating will definitely give rise to resentment in the other. Friendships are wonderful and arise when we chat with each other online without any expectations of each other; we do not share the same roof, we do not see each other as competition to each other. Scope for friction is minimal. If one is hurt, one can pull back for a while till she feels able to move on from that hurt. Unlike that, sharing a home, sharing control, a sense of competition is what skews the pitch for mils and dils. One's need to control and the other's need to realize her dreams of setting up and running her own home can lead to a lot of friction.
     
    satchitananda, Mar 24, 2015
    satchitananda, Mar 24, 2015
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  8. Mar 27, 2015 #8
    iyerviji

    iyerviji IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks Kamla for your fb and sorry for the late reply. My net is giving problem so I am not abl eto post much. Thanks for your views on the subject. Its always a pleasure to receive your fb

     
    iyerviji, Mar 27, 2015
    iyerviji, Mar 27, 2015
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  9. Mar 27, 2015 #9
    iyerviji

    iyerviji IL Hall of Fame

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    Satchi dear thanks for your fb and sorry for the late reply. True friendships are wonderful and we become close with each other even without seeing them . Thanks for your views dear
     
    iyerviji, Mar 27, 2015
    iyerviji, Mar 27, 2015
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  10. Mar 27, 2015 #10
    Viswamitra

    Viswamitra Finest Post Winner

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    Dear Vijiakka,

    You will never hurt anyone with your words here in IL and everyone loves you dearly. When I think of the root causes of the problems between MIL and DIL, I can only think of a few things:

    1) Acceptance - MIL welcoming the DIL and understand the need for her son to look after his wife. Similarly, DIL accepting the need of her husband to maintain good relationship with his mother despite change in his marital status. The first few days of interaction creates a lasting impression in both their minds.

    2) Sharing - Possessiveness with respect to who the son/husband should listen to become a contest primarily to test how much the son/husband loves mother/wife. Establishing equality instead of superiority is important in this situation. Dragging son/husband into the controversy complicates the matter further.

    3) Caring - A MIL who takes very good care of her DIL up front establishes a great sense of belonging in the mind of the DIL. This will avoid MILs not being looked after at their old age. Instead of expressing who is in charge, it is better to understand her feelings and emotions and include DIL in family discussions. We have heard equal amount of appreciation for MILs from DILs as much as DILS complaining about MILs in the relationship forum.

    4) Appreciation - The words of appreciation from MIL gives a great sense of belonging to the DIL as well. DIL's are attempting to get their feet wet in the new setting and even a small level of appreciation gives her hope.

    5) Bad mouthing - Putting her family down is one thing that a MIL should never do. "Did your mother not teach you this?" is a bad question. Instead, a MIL should work with the DIL to make her feel at home. The best way to win love from the DIL is to take the first step of loving her and her family.

    I am writing all this out of my personal experience. This may not be applicable for many families. I have no intention to hurt anyone by writing this. I respect all MILs as well as DILs who express their feelings here in IL.

    Viswa
     
    Viswamitra, Mar 27, 2015
    Viswamitra, Mar 27, 2015
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