The Single Child Syndrome

I got that phone call ,I was waiting for.Sudha had told me that she would call me as soon as they returned from the family court and that I should immediately go over to their place.I got into an auto and proceeded to Sudha’s house which is at Adyar.The auto stopped at a signal and as I read the words written at the back of another auto”We two and for us one”I shuddered in spite of myself.
My thoughts were already on Sudha and her her daughter Neela.Sudha is my childhood friend.Sudha and Balachandran her husband made a lovely, friendly couple.Neela was their only daughter.Neela was a brilliant student,always stood first in her class right from her KG to her final year Engineering course.She was also a very good looking girl,tall, slim, long hair, a lively intelligent face and beautiful eyes that sparkled when she chose to smile at you.

Sudha and Bala, as I prefer to call Sudha’s husband, doted on their only daughter.Whatever she wanted she got from her parents.What she said was law in their house.She was very adamant.Adjusting to others’ needs and wishes was not to be found in her code of conduct.The entire house revolved round her .In a nutshell, Neela was a petted and pampered child.Not only that, she always wanted to be the winner and her parents bent their back to see that she always won.

I must share with you an incident that happened when Neela was a child of ten years.My elder daughter was also of the same age and my younger one two years younger than the elder one.We were at Delhi and Bala and Sudha came to Delhi during winter holidays and stayed with us for a few days.One day Neela and my daughters were playing some game in the hall,I was in the kitchen cooking and keeping an eye on them at the same time.My elder daughter was on the verge of winning the game,she was excited ,Neela’s face darkened ,she was about to cry and suddenly Sudha was on the scene.She came up to the kids,she told my daughter,”Vaidehi,please let Neela win, otherwise she will start crying,pleaseda”she whispered to Vaidehi,my daughter.Vaidehi being a very sensible child,shrugged her shoulders said,”No problem aunty”, and let go of her turn to play.Neela won and more than her, Sudha was ecstatic.I was amused.
Neela got married to a handsome, well qualified , well placed Youngman from a well to do family.We were happy for Sudha and Bala ,their only daughter got a good match.

The marriage lasted for hardly six months.I forgot ot tell you one thing.Neela’s husband Shankar was the only son of his parents.The giant sized ego of Shankar and the queen sized ego of Neela clashed .

“Why should I get up early in the morning to make breakfast for Shankar?If he has to leave early for office ,he has to jolly well make his breakfast or his darling mother can fix up breakfast for him.I cant get up early for his sake”
“Why should not I wear western clothes at home?I used to wear jeans and dresses in my mother’s house.There, nobody used to say anything.I cant wear sarees all the time,just to please my in laws”
“If Shankar likes only home made food, he can go ahead and eat at home all the meals,as for me I have to eat out atleast once a week.I will go out with my friends.”

This was Neela.
“Anewly married gir,l should she be wearing jeans and T.shirts all the time at home,even when there are guests,surely there is a limit to modernity”
“Iam her husband,Can’t she make even breakfast for me?She does not even hand me a glass of water,she says,”Take it yourself’What type of a daughter have her parents brought up!”
“Why should she insist on going out and eating out every few days?My friends’ wives don’t do that!”.
This was Shankar.
There were constant fireworks at home.Neela would not relent and make even a cup of coffee for her husband and her MIL added fuel to the fire by instigating her son.Neela’s parents could not bear to see their daughter suffering at the hands of her in laws,so they often invited her to come and stay with them,stay she did without even informing her in laws about it.
Well, one thing led to another.Both the families decided that it was best for the couple to part ways and here I am going to Sudha’s house to offer my sympathies to her for her only daughter’s divorce, which has come through today.

Due to so many reasons many couples these days opt for one child only.I don’t want to sit in judgement on them.It is up to the husband and wife to decide how many kids they can afford to raise,give education to etc.In these days of rising costs, may be, they are right in deciding on raising a single child.Some times it happens that couples end up having an only child,some times medical reasons are responsile for couples taking that decision.

Whatever may be the reasons, bringing up a single child and seeing that the child gets into the main stream of life with others and lead a happy and peaceful life,calls for great determination,thinking, cooperation of the husband and wife,courage of conviction on their part and their ability to say ,”No”to the child ,when the situation demands it. and many a sacrifices on their part.
Parents of a single child normally get the child whatever she/he wants, however costly the thing may be.Their excuse is,”After all he is my only child,if I don’t spend for him,what else am I going to do wih my money?”So the child grows up getting all his desires fulfilled not knowing the word,”No”.This definitely leads to problems in later life where the boy or the girl has to hear the word,No,from somebody or other,particularly the spouse.
A single child, more often than not grows up without adequate opportunities to share her things,toys,books etc with others.Sharing his parents’ love for other relatives is also something they resent.,having been brought up in a closed circle.Needless to say this attitude poses them problems even when the child has to join a hostel for further studies.I know of a case where a my daughter’s classmate declined further studies when she could not cope up with hostel life,where she had to share right from the bathroom to her wardrobe sometimes with her room mates.

Parents of a single child often are protective and possessive about their kid.This possessiveness and protiveness on the part of the parents grows with the kid’s age as well.

Vandana is my cousin and her husband was a lecturer in a college.They had an only son Sreenu.Sreenu was a well brought up son in the sense that he was respectful to elders,always helpful to the needy ones,would lend his notes and books willingly to other students.Fine.His mother doted on him, so also his father.Vandhana used to give his son oil massage and oil bath,she used to serve him breakfast.She would select his clothes and decide which dress he would wear to office every day.People thought Sreenu was lucky to have a mother like Vandhana. The time came for Sreenu to get married.Geetha a very beautiful,talented girl became his wife.I thought Vandhana would make one swell of a MIL.But ,no!Vandhana gave that girl hell.Vandhana continued to make and serve himbreakfast,she insisted on giving him oil massage and oil bath and whenever the newly married couple went out, Vandhana had to accompany them ,otherwise Sreenu would refuse to go out.Marital life became an issue because marital relationship was not there between the couple.Sreenu, so used to being with his parents and spending time only with them, could not enter into marital relationship with his wife and the poor girl was bewildered.
Geetha’s parents tried to talk to Sreenu’s parents and try to make them understand that both Sreenu and Geetha can take doctor’s help in solving the issue,Sreenu’s parents did not see reason.They said,”There is nothing wrong with our son,your daughter is not ok”.The marriage again endee in a divorce.Geetha is happily married with a wonderful husband I don’t know what happened to Sreenu,who went abroad and took his parents also with him.

Iam not saying that all children who are single issue to their parents are likely to end their marriage in a family court.Not at all.All I would like to insist is that parents of single children have heavy responsibility on their shoulders.Do not bring up your child constantly thinking , “after all he is my only child”.Treat him or her like any other child.Do not pamper your child.Sometimes keeping the welfare of the child at heart,say,”No”if he wants something which you think is not th priority at that time or which you can not buy.
Your child does not have a sibling,hence please go out of the way to cultivate relationship with close relatives and friends.You should inculcate in your child the urge to share his/her things happily with others.
Please understand that your child will marry and will have a life of his own.So get him or her ready for that ie do not be a possessive father or mother, because your over possessiveness will cost him/her his/her marital life.
Lakshmi is my neighbour’s only daughter.She got married two years back into a large family.Her parents also petted and pampered her but the difference was that they did within limits.Lakshmi won the hearts of her inlaws within no time of her marriage.Today her inlaws pet and pamper her and she her inlaws.Life is blissful for Lakshmi and her inlaws ,thanks to Lakshmi’s parents who knew the art or science of bringing up an only child, making sure that the child leads a happy life.

Dear MK,

That is really great...

I always feel, it is the responsibility of the parents for grooming their kids... The kids learn from their parents... If you start heeding to the demands of the kids and dont teach them the values of life, then in future the kids will land up in problems only... The divorce rate is high today is because there is no patience and willing to forego thier egoes between the husband and the wife... If you do a little deep analysis, there will be some hand of the parents in pampering them or supporting their egoes...

The much required patience, love and understanding between the couples are slowly getting reduced... Over and above that the pampering of the parents make them to think, whatever they do is right...

Unless the parents teach the kids the values, this trend is not going to change... This need not have to be the result of Single Child syndromes... Even if they have two kids, if they start pampering and interfereing, this will continue.......

Veda

Dear MK
Thanks for sharing this note. it makes all mother to stop and think of their child's upbringing, values form the basics of life .and if we the parents fail to lay the foundation right.. it our beloved children would suffer the relationships...
thank you once again
regards
anu

Dear Mithila
So well written and so true. Your posts are really an eye opener for some. The child grows up the way the parent brings him/her up. I am a mother of one child.
I am a bit possessive about him but will never pamper him at all whatever he wants, I give him a hard way out. It is not that I cannot afford him but it is to teach him that we don't get things in life so easily as it seems to be. We are like friends more then mother and son. Everything has to have a limit in them. Ya when young use to tell what he has to wear and what not but now he has to do his own work, choose his own things, make his own decisions. And leave him to live his own life but looking into it that he does not go on the wrong path. Whatever he does he need to let us know about it. All these things initially needs to be given a little bit of backup but later once they are in the correct track just support them from behind.
Today he is a teen, but I can tell proudly that he has care for elders, respect to them, he knows what he wants and does not spend unneccessary on unwanted things.
Now we tell him go and spend no worries but he will tell us it is of no use I don't need it when I want something will ask. He knows the value of things, This incident just happened 2 months back, all his friends smoke and seeing them he too wanted to give a try and he did try it and came home and told me mom I smoked today but will not do so I never liked it. I think that moment was the happiest moment of my life. Good N you never liked it but please don't give a try 2nd time.
Mithila it is not with just a single kid even I have seen some parents who have more then 2 kids these parents pamper them so much least bothered about how they spend. Do you know a child of 12 yrs old having a credit card of his own and he can spend on what he wants, and this child smokes and drinks at the age of 12 and his parents are least bothered when it is brought to they notice they will tell u in return so what, what is wrong in that we don't have any objection why do u need to have. and one is of 15 and the other is of 18 yrs, this 18 yr old is already into drugs. and this is an Indian family not an outsider.
What do you have to say for this???
It is not just with single kid it is with all the kidsand the parents...........
Today I just pray my upbringing should not be a waste later too..........
Sometimes parents try they level best to teach everything to they kids that is good for them but what will happen later no one knows.

A very well written article....

dear mithila,
i well understand what you have written here, and wish this message spread to all, even i used to tell my mother not to pamper her grandson so much she mixes the rice and sambhar and keep the vegetable every thing and with a katori or curd and a spoon before he could come down to eat, and she is blind..has to depend on others to take food..i keep telling his wife is going to bash u the day she comes here, he is going to behave funny and you will be the cause every day..and now you write about this..sunkan

Dear Mithila,

Once again you have come with a gem ! I love the way you have narrated all the instances like joining the pearls for making a beautiful necklace !

You have mentioned in your story that parents with the single child pamper their kids more and attend to their needs. I agree with you to a certain extent, but there are parents who sure know that their child is going/should face this world alone and are quite balanced in thier upbringing.

As for me, I am a proud mom of 2 sons and yes, if you ask me..I do pamper them...meaning, I tend to prepare different items/dishes to their liking even if I've already prepared a particular meal for that day. It stops right there !

But yes, me and my hubby draw the line there and don't give into their whims and fancies all the time. As you so rightly stated, we as parents, should realise where and when to set the limits, or to put it bluntly, say "NO" to the children.

Another point you so well portrayed, the children should learn from mistakes and failures. We cannot keep cocooning them forever and one fine day, when they come out of this shell, they are totally lost in this wide world ! Parents should allow the children to face disappointments and we cannot stand as a shield everytime.

In a nutshell, it is an art and everyday effort to bring up children, and more so in the case of bringing up a single child.

A wonderful narration and food for thought !

Regards
Krithika (Jithiks)

Dear Mithila,

Even I know of a beautiful single child who messed up her life for no fault of her's. She was always overly pampered by her parents, grandparents and even the teachers at school (in India). She was given everything she took fancy to, even expensive foreign trips, costly courses in various subjects...she named it and she got it. She must get her way...Today, the parents are sad and feel defeated. So, it is very important to be that extra thoughtful and careful while bringing up a single child.

But on the other hand, like many have said here...I wonder if it is the thing called fate?! No matter how attentive we are, we really have no magic wand to make the lives of our children wholesome and happy. Even those kids with siblings can turn out into sorry adults!

All the same, I appreciate the thoughtful little stories you are bringing to our forum. Us being a mainly womens' forum with various types of women centric problems, your stories are little eye openers.
Great job!

L, Kamla

Hi Mithila,
Great post and very enlightining

Dear,dear Monsi,
Thank you for the lovely comment.Iam happy you liked my writing.
mithila kannan