The Single Child Syndrome

Dear Mithali,

I had not read the comments when i posted mine, i normally dont do, as time is liminted number one, and secondly, one gets biased with giving own comment.

So i was surprised when u said u are hurting , and i could not understand why ?
Now as i go thru the comments i see Supriya has made some comments, which have hurt u.

See, you are 60 plus and i am 55.As we grow in age, we see so many things around us,what is happenning around us all the time.And u wrote about it, yr views, in which i see nothing wrong at all.

I too write based on various expierences of life that i experience.So what is wrong in that.What u write makes sense

Some people like Supriya are extra sensitive.What u said ios what is mostly happenning in life, and if Supriya's expierence differs,then there are polite ways of writing about it.

so dont u worry Mithila, and dont lose sleep over this matter.We are with u, continue writing,and i learn so much from yr wisdom, and they way u see life around u.

Regards.kamal

Dear Mithila.........

A very good post that u wrote........an inspiring and eye opening one.......The way children turn out to be as adults majorly depends on the way they have been brought up by their parents........And today the fact is that most of the parents are not imbibing the right values and morals in their kids.....they give into their demands.......sometimes the parents also blinded by jealosy that other kids around them are getting many expensive things, so they also give everything to their kids even if they cant afford........it is very important to see wat is right and wat is wrong for ur child and if situation demands, even say NO.

And it is also true that if kids have siblings, they learn the qualities of sharing, helping and sacrifices......which help them become good human beings wen they grow up.......but then these values can be nurtured even in a single child if the parents know how to..........

As a kid i didnt like my mother much who was very strict and i thought she always discriminated me against my younger brother, but today im really thankful to her for teaching me all the values that she has.......and for being the best example for me.......I really want to be a mother like her and imbibe the good values into my kids.........without pampering them........

hello friends,
A single child is often stigmatised as i have personally felt ,being a single child myself."oh,you are a single child"!!!many ask me with a wierd expression thats a mixture of contempt and sympathy..people often become judgemental saying that u may not know the virtues of sharing etc as u didnt have to share anything with a sibling.but i brush it off saying "rubbish..i was a hostel inmate for a few years,during which i never had any problems of sharing things"..the dozens of friends i have stands a testimony to this fact.There are times when i had noticed that i did something taking into consideration the comfort and convenience of my room mate,for eg trying not to disturb her by hanging my things here and there or switching on the light when she is sleeping....
Being an only child made me independent.and as pointed out by my friends here ,my parents saw to it that i was unselfish and caring.I had only my parents to look upto and they became the world for me.
At times i feel a bit lonely and gullible.There are certain things which we may not want our parents to know.especially after marriage.But God helped me by giving friends who always provided me a beacon of light to see me through....
In short there is nothing called a single child syndrome..ego,self centeredness and uncaring attitude is nothing but a product of wrong upbringing.Stop being prejudiced about a single child...

Thank you Kamalji for the kind words.As you have rightly said,I am an older pwrson have seen so much in my personal life also.So no grudge against anybody or any views.If I am happy to receive accolades from nice people like you I should not mind getting brickbats also.No problem.
I will continue to write because taht ids ythe only thing I know,I cant even put a thread in a needle.Writing thread is the only thing that appeals to me.
Thank God for your presence in my IL life.
Regards
mithila

Dear Mithila Kannan, a good example of three different cases of families with single child. This comes in a right time for me and my husband, because that is what we are trying to decide -To stop with one child or to go for another one for many reasons! If we decide to have just one, then I would like to bring up my daughter similar to the third example "Lakshmi" – in a balanced way.

Since this topic touches something going on currently let me talk a little about that.
The parents in China who lost their only child (China's One Child Policy) in the devastating Earthquake - what do you think, they say about having a single child?
Sometimes I heard people saying "it is good to have at least two kids in case something happens to one". So thoughtless! So infuriating! A loss of any child (Single or Double) is a terrible loss for the parents. You don't have children for 'just in case' sake! I thought I would reflect upon it a little.
You write very well. I enjoyed "Jayanthi" and your other entire writings very well. Please keep'em coming.

My dear dear venus,
My eyes misted on just seeing the post from you because I wanted a FB from you,I would have enjoyed it more and more had you told me,"mithila,I dont like this and this in your post I would have liked it to be put in this manner"Such healthy criticisms help a writer to sharpen his/her skills.And you would have done it seeing that you dont hurt the writer .
Remember the pan pasand ad?If you cant pay the rent,vecate the room,says the owner to the tenant rudely,then he pops in a panpasand and then says very sweetly,the same words in a very pleasant manner.If you want to tell a person to go to hell do so in such a way that the person looks forward to the journey is a quote I like.
Now what you have written makes sense.When you decide to have one child go all out to bring her up in such a healthy way that later on the child grows up enjoys his/her life and give happiness to every one he/she gets associated with.Iam hundred percent sure that your kid be she a single child or she will have siblings will grow up as a mentally,physically,psychologically healthy child since you have said that your husband and you discuss abt this.Even when the awareness is there in our mind then you people will do only the right thing.My whole hearted blessings are there with you and your family.
If Iam not boring you my friend I would like to tell you about my own daughters.This will be an example which will not disturb my daughters at all.
My elder daughter did not get an issue 10 yrs after marriage also,so many trtmts,no ,the trtmts were not successful God kept in store a wonderful thing for her.Both she and my son in law,discussed went ahead and adopted a baby girl who is the apple of our eyes now.My daughter and mySIL being rich buy expensive clothes toye for this bundle of joy who is hardly 3 yrs old.they go abroad for holidays.But like you my daughter tells me,"Amma now my daughter is a baby so I satisfy myself by buying all expensive things for hr,when she starts growing up I will be careful she should know that she can't get evreything in life".She corrects her child if she gives instructions to the maid and is particular that the child shares her toys with other kids.I am happy for my daughter God should guide her .
My younger daughter has quadruplets.Her husband is also in a senior position and they are well off.But you can understand the difficulties in bringing up four kids.This daughter of mine goes to wholesale shops to buy clothes for her kids.She ,who has expensive tastes,has become very careful with money.I know that the children even though denied of certain things may be a holiday why abroad,even to hometown,are growing up in a healthy atmosphere.I tell my daughter,"give them love,affection care and attention.Thats what they need now,they wont even know that they have come to such and such a place.All they need is to play,be happy with the parents".
Iam not advocating many children in a family.My own MIL will kill me if I do that.She had ten kids,my husband being the eldest.She and my FIL had to sacrice a lot and suffer to bring up the children.She used to remove kanji from the rice cooked and have it without the kid's knowledge.And she would eat pan and pakku and would tell her kids,"See I have eaten food and have eaten pan also,now you people sit and eat,and she had to ration out the food to the kids.If my MIL meets you my friend she herself will tell you these things,because she is very keen that couples shd opt for small families because they and their kids should not suffer if they don't have adequate money to bring up a large fly.
My dear friend I have taken much of your valuable time,bear with me.So many thoughts,so many experiences some good some bad are lying dormant in my heart when I write I want to share them with you,thats all.
God bless you for listening to me.

mithila kannan

My dear Geeta,
I enjoyed raeding your post.
My daughter tells me ,"Amma I dont like the idea of sending chidren to tuition classes.We never went.But when my children grow up,seeing the others going for tuition classes they will also want to attend such classes,if I dont send them they will be upset and may get a complex.This thought worries me".Mind you her kids are four years old.
To quote you,
"it is also true that if kids have siblings, they learn the qualities of sharing, helping and sacrifices......which help them become good human beings wen they grow up.......but then these values can be nurtured even in a single child if the parents know how to..........
I too feel the same way and have mentioned it in my article.
Thank you for the nice comment.
love
mithila kannan

hai friends,
It was such a relief pouring out in this thread that i cannot stop myself from writing some more!!!!
i was pondering on this issue"single child syndrome?" the whole day and about siblings who never get along with each other well,ending up with issues like property disputes etc.I know of many sister hu cannot see eye to eye and will just turn away when unavoidable family events come up.And the root cause of all this is queen sized ego and incomaptability because of jealousy.They in turn might have watched their parents in such situations .so that means background and upbringing is the ultimate yardstick and not being a single child or with siblings....
values of sharing ,caring ,worth of money etc has to be inculcated in a child by the parens and elders of the houe.The rest of what he has to learn he will from his sorroundings..so what difference does it make if he has a brother or sister?..

hello mithila mam


i have been seing this thread everyday,but never felt like reading it,but i'm very glad i finally did because its going really help me in future.i have just one 3 yr old daughter,and i think it might be just one for me due to medical reasons.

when i read your article i felt like my mom was telling me all that.
mnay a times i do give into my duaghters cravings but majority of the times i dont because of the values my mother has raised me with.she has always made sure we were down to earth ,giving and compromising and that really has helped me a lot.my mom would make us wash are uniforms on weekend though we had a maid n washing machine too,she will hand all 3 of us one household chore each,and when we would me mad at her for making us do that she would simply say "i cant assure you whether the house u get married to tomorrow has all the ameneties and luxuries or not but i can assure u that whatever it might be u will still be able to live happily,as you will know how to survive wiuthout the laxuries too".

i hope i can raise my duaghter as a good human ,this message of yours is going to remind and help me whenever i feel like giving into my duaghter unnecessary desires.its alwasy going to stay in my mind from now,so thanks a lot for this reminder and good eye opner for me and many others like me.

i will also like to wish u good luck with your writing,i must say you have a way of touching people's heart,as your your article's was very real.

take care
jess

My dear Jezznish,
That was an excellent and motivating post,my dear child.Hope I am not taking undue liberty since you talk about your kid,you must be daughters' age or even younger than them.
When I read, what your mother used to tell you ,I was shocked for a minute, because I thought that I heard my own voice,that was a playback for me ,what I used to tell my daughters,the exact words when they were school and college going girls.I used to cook and in the night it was one daughter's responsibility to lay the table ,the other one had to clean up after meals .
My elder daughter has got a single child. I keep telling her to be careful in bringing her up,my daughter is careful.Very recently they went down south to some temples.My daughter and son in law stayed with a relative, whose way of life is different.They sit on the floor and eat,they do all the household chores themselves,no maid,they are orthodox.But my grand daughter enjoyed her stay with them , I believe .She happily sat down and had her meals with them,lay down on the floor on mat and pillows,went to temples.After two days, when my daughter and her husband had to leave my grand daughter cried so much to leave their place and they also enjoyed taking care of this child.I know this is only for two days but this is the way children get exposed to our families,relatives ,their affection for us and the simple way of living which we may not be able to emulate,but the kids know that such simple life also exists.
My dear jezznish,I am sure you will make a wonderful mother.My humble suggestion would be,as and when she is growing up, talk to her .Depending on her age, tell her about your relatives at home,how your mother brought you up etc.Never be harsh,in a very very pleasant manner , you can instill certain values into her, so that, she will grow into a fine person and scatter seeds of kindness in her path.
I dont know if I am talking too much and somebody may even get angry with me.But this what Iam.
God bless you.
mithila kannan