Love…..before and after marriage…..

Dear Scorpio,
Madam, A must thought process in the present scenario.
Whether it is love marriage or arranged marriage 'love after marriage' is more important. As regards married life the term 'love' itself has to be redefined in the practical sense of the term.Love is not a fascination for physique, looks, complexion but a psychological factor associated with perfect understanding and acceptance of one another with their own positive and negative points.

On many occasions engaging in intimate conversations with members of the opposite sex leads to emotional experiences that cloud judgment, trigger fantasy life, and progress toward physical intimacies outside of marriage.A sympathetic listener soon turns a villain.



There needs to be fairness in the distribution of work and responsibility within the relationship. This willingness to extend oneself also pertains to meeting emotional needs. Placing one’s desires consistently ahead of a partner’s emotional needs and responding only when it is a matter of convenience, demand or negotiations leaves a spouse feeling unloved.



Selfishness in its most destructive form involves control, manipulation, jealousy, possessiveness, demands and abuse in order to get one’s way. In milder forms, it is lack of consideration and respect.


Marriage needs acceptance, admiration, appreciation and emotional safety. Feelings of anger and hurt follow when the process of exploring differences or contrasting opinions consistently degenerates into criticism, impatience, labeling, contempt, or discrediting one’s thoughts or feelings.


Constant lecture, ridicule, threats, brainwashing etc undermine the mutual respect that forms the basis of love. When one feels unfairly judged or ill treated, the tendency of the other is to retaliate.

Sometimes positive anger may lead to useful discussions, but not always.On many occasions it is an impediment to positive communications.



Expectations for marriage include a desire for this soul-satisfying experience of being known, understood, loved, accepted and valued for who you are and having a place to turn for comfort and support. If this component of marriage is lacking, marital partners feel cheated of the essence of what they truly expect marriage should provide.



Marriage needs to be a place of safety, a haven, a place of love and refuge, not a war zone.

Always being “right,” being rigid, judgmental, or easily angered or flooded with emotion disrupt communication before problems can be solved. Arguments and conflicts occupy greater hours than the actual problem. Sometimes 'no problem' turns into a 'big problem' because of 'ego' conflict.

Now that many marriages have abrupt ends within a short span, parents have a special duty. In stead of talking about jewels, sarees ,, costly invitations, luxurious kalyana mandaps, costly floral decorations, rich dinner arrangements, a discussion with event manager-- why not spare time with the would be partner, have a heart to heart discussion about themselves, their weaknesses etc?

Why can't they resolve for adjustment and take oath of commitment for life, be true to oneself, willing to love and share in times of need?Adjustment does never denote slavery.
Mothers of sons have to specifically emphasize the necessity of drifting away from the demonic patriarchy however strong rooted it Be.
I feel that many parents concentrate more on the celebrations rather than on the harmony, the most essential aspect of the institution of marriage.
Marriage is an event for life. It is life time project. It has to be planned properly with two partners initially with scope for increase soon.With shrewd planning with psychological bearing, with love as the fulcrum, there is no possibility of any marriage to fail.

Jayasala 42

Jayasala 42

 

Good Writeup Scorpio!!!

I think love just changes forms before and after marriage as people get used to one another. The love changes from obvious actions or expression to more subtle form, cooking the favorite dish, watching movies or doing activities together, planning about life and family, going to grocery shopping, lifting of bags, giving medicines, taking to doctor, etc. It is so subtle that neither the doer feels love or the recipient feels love but the love is still present. This is similar to other relationships (with parents or siblings or friends), we may not express them often or at all, yet we consciously or unintentionally take care of the person. So, shaadi se pahele pyaar mil jaata hai, Shaadi ke baad choti choti bato mein dhudhna padta hai. Lower the expectations and one will see love in everything.

 

Dear Scorpio,
Love doesn't disappear. It is a different matter to meet someone now and then or working in the same place or wherever it may be than living him with her/him forever. It needs some compromises, adjustment to each other living 24/7. No two people are alike in thinking or have the same likes and dislikes. Accepting a person as he/she is and not trying to change each other is the fundamental rule. Forget about flowers, honeymoon days, talking sweet nothings.....that is a temporary phase but living together is permanent(unless the situation is very bad). Love is like an undercurrent. There may be some crap which is floating on the surface but love doesn't go anywhere, it is always there. May not be very expressive as in the initial days. Apart from marriage everyone has their jobs, preferences, passionate something what they want to do. It is like a zigsaw puzzle, pieces have to fit in. Married life is one of the important pieces. If things go very bad then it is completely a different matter. Those discussions we see very often in the family forum.
Syamala

 

Scorpio, love is blind. You don't really see all the aspects of the person you love, only the positiv e ones with minor flaws .Even these flaws become objects of your affection as you feel that the guy is a complete man with them (100% good guys are boring). But marriage and childbirth, fortunately or unfortunately opens your eyes.

 

Nice one S7

Love before marriage is school/college life and love after marriage is like career life.

Though you would love to have your school/college life, practically not possible. mind has to be conditioned to enjoy the current life and try it making all the more interesting. For which both will have to realise/accept the reality and then try working on it. After being graduated how can one still have the infancy/childhood state of love???